My oldest entries, archived here for your amusement, now below the cut.


October 31, 2001

Noah and I are getting converted in mid-November! Hooray! I met with the rabbi yesterday to talk about it. It’s good that I took the time off because I found out that it is important to me to be an “official” Jew. I picked out our Hebrew names too. Noah’s will be Asher Noach (Asher was my grandfather’s Hebrew name and Noach is Noah in Hebrew) and mine will be Sarah Shachar (Sarah was my great-grandma’s name and Shachar is Dawn in Hebrew). What’s really wonderful is that once I am a true-blue Jew, all of my future children will also be Jews.

October 29, 2001

Wow, this part-time job is making my life pretty crazy. It’s only 14 hours a week but add that to three mornings of preschool (and his preschool is so far from our house that I don’t come home during that time, I use it for errands and what-not), grocery shopping, laundry, home maintenance, all the appointments a person has (dentist, pediatric dentist, therapy, rabbi) and general mom-hood and I start to feel pretty stretched.

It’s been culture shock for me, too, at this toy store. Everyone I work with in the evenings is under the age of 25. They also all happen to be boys. Now remember pre-mommyhood I used to work at a women’s shelter and before that I was in childcare so since 1990, my life has been pretty much all about girl-power. Now here I am surrounded by very nice but very young people with penises. They really are very nice and they are also very good at their jobs but I don’t quite know how to make conversation with them. I mean, I ask them what they’re studying and what they want to do (and oh my they all have big, beautiful dreams!!! I remember having dreams that to-the-sky, too, so I like hearing theirs) and what music they listen to, etc. but I don’t see how I can really connect with them. It’s probably my own age-prejudice and not theirs but it’s hard to believe they really want to be talking to a person whose been on the planet for more than three decades, especially a stay-at-home type like me. Anyway, it’s a fine job for a nighttime, holiday-type job but the best thing about it is that I get to come home again and Noah’s always so glad to see me.

October 22, 2001

As of today, I am a working mother. Oh I know every mother is a working mother but now I’m a mother with a regular paycheck. I got a part-time job today at a nifty locally-owned toy shop. They sell all the important snobby toys like Brio and Playmobil and Madame Alexander dolls. It’s the perfect job for a full-time parent ‘cuz it’s flexible and will likely be extremely low stress. It also pays well. Or at least more than I expected from a retail job. My trainer when I start this week will be some 20-year old but I can suck it up in order to learn to work the computerized cash register.

We’re going to use the extra money to buy a second car. Our current car gets (according to Brett) about 15 miles to the gallon; it’s been driving for longer than I have and it’s a tank. Or as Brett says, it’s like driving a couch. A big old fat sectional. I have tremendous guilt driving that car because I like to send daggers of mental disgust towards folks in SUVs (unless they’re currently driving up a mountain, it’s a ridiculous waste of natural resources) but they get better mileage than I do. We’re going to keep Old Betsy as we’ve christened her so that I can drive it to work and leave a car for the boyz. The toy store is what? Maybe five miles away? Four? Anyway, it’s close enough for lousy mileage not to be such an issue.

Yesterday Noah woke up and lay in the bed for awhile while Brett and I were eating breakfast. I guess he was surprised that we didn’t sense his wakeful state and rush to be with him because he interrupted our meal by yelling, “Is someone going to come and take notice of me?!”

October 21, 2001

You know, generally I think of brilliant blogs while I’m trying to fall asleep at night and generally I forget them completely by the time I get up the next morning. I have no idea why I opened up PageSpinner today since I have nothing to say.

I’m going to talk to the rabbi about converting again. I want to be Jewish, dammit. Just wish that I had an alternative to this particular rabbi. My mentor in all things Jewish said that I need to focus on the goal (becoming a Jew) and let go of the process which she agrees, hasn’t been a good one so far. I’m thinking of taking Sarai (Sarah) as my Hebrew name in honor of my bubbe, my great-grandmother. Noah’s Hebrew name would be — surprise! — Noach. Not too interesting but typically how things are done. I’ve thought, however, of making his be Asher after my grandfather. Of course this is assuming that the Rabbi will still convert me since I haven’t made it to services in like forever and am planning on getting a part-time job so won’t make it to them anytime soon either.

October 15, 2001

Cute things Noah has said recently specifically related to his typical 4-year old “I’m-going-to-marry-Mommy” phase:

Noah: Mommy, when I’m 18, you’re going to be really busy!

Me: Why is that, Noah?

Noah (chortling): Two husbands!

Noah: When I grow up I want to be a train counter. Every day I’ll go out and count trains! One, two, choo-choo! Hey, if I’m a train counter can I still live here?

Me: Sure.

Noah (relieved): Oh because I want to be with you but I want to count trains, too. I’m going to live here forever.

Noah: When you and I are dancing, Mommy, Daddy is going to be crying.

Me: When are we going to be dancing?

Noah (exasperated): At our wedding when we get married.

Me: Why will Daddy be crying? Will they be tears of sadness or happiness?

Noah (truly fed up with my denseness): Happiness, Mommy!

(this is something he said awhile ago but it’s cute anyway)

Noah: Are we going to live in this house for a long time?

Me: Yup.

Noah: Well that’s going to be a problem when I get as big as Daddy. Three grown-ups bumping into each other!

October 13, 2001

We went out to get Noah’s halloween costume and he decided to be a spider. We also got some decorations and he had a grand time making the house look spooky. You can tell that a kid decorated the house because everything is clustered in one space. He’s very proud of it. Then he spent the afternoon drawing spooky things in chalk on the driveway. I sat out there with him and watched him scribbling very complicated looking witches, ghosts, and spiderwebs.

Brett and I saw Mandy Patinkin on Monday. It was amazing to hear that perfect voice live. Every note was perfect; it was so beautiful. He was also pretty funny. Our seats were up in the balcony and I forgot my glasses so I couldn’t see his face. Fortunately, it didn’t really matter because during most of his songs, I kept my eyes closed so I could really hear him. It was a terrific night.

October 6, 2001

We’re back from a two week vacation to Portland to see Brett’s brother get married. It was interesting to be back in Oregon and it felt good to show Noah the place where he’d been born. I was afraid I would wish we’d never left if we visited but actually I was pretty anxious to get home to Columbus. Portland is fabulous, no doubt about it, but this is home.

I had a miscarriage starting the day after the wedding. I knew I was pregnant pretty much from the moment of conception. It wasn’t like my usual nervous cataloging of symptoms; it was more of a calm conviction. I did have symptoms, though. Heightened sense of smell, dizziness, the ability to fall asleep in the middle of the day without effort (that’s one symptom I adore). But I wasn’t in a rush to take a test ‘cuz I knew. I just knew. It felt really right, too, being back in Oregon, wading around Haystack Rock during low tide just like I’d done when I was pregnant with Noah. There was such a symmetry to being pregnant again at a wedding, celebrating family, there in the state where Noah was born. Anyway, it was nice while it lasted.

I’m not sure why I miscarried but I do know that women who have trouble conceiving are at higher risk of miscarriage. It makes sense: if your reproductive parts aren’t working 100% then things are trickier all around, right? I’m hoping that the fact that I got pregnant is a good indicator that I’m getting healthier and that I’ll get pregnant again soon. Meanwhile, I’m letting myself be sad but letting go.

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