There are some very nice people who’ve written me recently and I haven’t written them back. I’ve been busy with the new list and with getting this site in order. I’m very sorry about that.

I had a negative pregnancy test this morning. My period hasn’t started but that’s because I’m on the progesterone. I hate to go off it because there’s always the (miniscule) chance that the test is wrong so I’ll wait a bit longer. Also, I want to put off making a decision about clomid for the next month.

I hate what clomid is doing to me but I really want to be pregnant. Everything I’ve read indicates that clomid is, in fact the appropriate treatment for what’s going on with me. I have ovulatory problems and the answer to that is ovulatory medication which is clomid. If that doesn’t work, they usually move on to injectables.

I wish I could feel more positive about all of this. I wish I could get in the groove and start feeling empowered and excited. It doesn’t help when people view my whole infertility saga with skepticism. (And let me take this opportunity to give a special shout out to the person who, last summer, told me that I was probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion.) It’s the infertility cliche. I tell people that we’re trying (unsuccessfully) to have another baby and their response is that maybe I’m trying too hard — because they have this friend who gave up/adopted/went back to work and got pregnant and maybe that would happen to me. Sure, it might. Or I might get pregnant and miscarry again. Or I might not get pregnant again. Because something is *wrong* with me.

On one of my lists, this woman said that she had a friend without a uterus which is, if you didn’t know, an essential piece of baby-making equipment. You know what people said? Just relax! Take a vacation! Quit trying so hard and just make love with your husband! Hello, people, she had no uterus! I am so putting that in my book.

I just read some awful stats. Only 1 in 4 infertile couples will get pregnant without treatment. On the other hand, some 80% will get pregnant with treatment. Well, which side of those stats do I want to be on? But man, I hate the treatment.

I hung out with a friend dealing with infertility today and that always helps. It’s so easy to feel very, very isolated and demented. It’s nice having online folks — really nice — but real live people are even better. Anyway, this friend has been trying for four years. She’s at the point where she feels ok with giving up. Not like going on birth control or anything but letting go. I’m not there yet. I’d like to be but I’m not sure how to flip that switch in my brain. Maybe in another year and half. (Oh my god! How could I deal with this for another year and a half?!)

Today I got a preview copy for a pregnancy book. Tomorrow I need to moderate a roundtable interview for a pregnancy article. I don’t really want to read that book or facilitate that discussion but you know, life trundles on.

Oh well.

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