I was reading someone’s blog archives about domestic violence. Apparently, there was a woman she knew whose husband was abusing her and the blog-writer was saying how sad she felt for the children in the family and how she encouraged the mom to leave, etc. etc. It was in the archives so there was no use commenting but it was something I see come up now and then in parenting communities. I wish I could see it when it happened so I could comment on the thread while it’s “live” instead of seeing it months later when no one is checking the thread anymore. Anyway, my point in bringing this up is to say that people may not realize that domestic violence *is* child abuse.

The presence of domestic violence in the home is the number one predictor for there being child abuse in the home. Why is this? Generally because violence begets violence. Someone who is hitting his partner is more likely to hit his kids. Also, women who are being abused by their partners are more likely to abuse their children than are women who are *not* being abused by their partners. Now I don’t mean that every domestic violence survivor is also a child abuser — not by a long shot. These are statistics; bear that in mind while reading. OK, that said, back to the stats. Women who are being abused sometimes hurt their kids because violence trickles down. Dad hits mom. Mom hits Junior. Junior kicks the dog. Another reason (and this one makes me so miserably sad) is that sometimes the mother will hurt her kids to — ironically — try to protect them. She may beat her kids to try to keep them in line so that Dad doesn’t have an excuse to rage (not that abusers need an excuse, they’re very creative with excuses) or she may beat them first before Dad gets to them knowing that her spankings aren’t as severe as Dad’s.

But let’s say there is no child abuse present. Just good old fashioned wife-beating (and yes, I’m being sarcastic). In that case, the presence of domestic violence itself is considered child abuse in Oregon. Let’s go back to the stats, shall we? Kids who grow up in homes where domestic violence is present behave in the same way (meaning the same rate and type of fucked-up’ness) as children who are themselves abused. Domestic violence *is* child abuse. And you can’t say (as some of our clients in shelter used to say), “But not if he only beats her when the kids are sleeping or when they’re not around” because the kids know. Kids are smart and the dynamic that is present in abusive relationships is present even when he’s not hitting her. Also, kids aren’t always sleeping when the parents think they are. The children I worked with in shelter all knew when mom was getting beat up even when mom swore they couldn’t know. And the little tiny kids? The babies and toddlers that the moms thought were “too little” to know? They knew, too. They presented just like bigger abuse survivors. Finally, sometimes parents “forget” that their kids were there during an abusive episode. At shelter, the mom would swear that the kids were never around and then one of the children would describe an incident to me and the mom would realize she’d blocked it out. Listen, I can see how that would happen. Who wants to confront the fact that they are raising their children in a dangerous, harmful environment?

The reason I want to post this in a forum when the topic comes up (and I don’t hang around forums enough to catch it when it does) is that I want people to know about this. It’s not enough to encourage the mom to leave and then heave a sorry sigh when she doesn’t. If you are the kind of person who wouldn’t hesitate to call Child Protective Services if you knew a child was being hurt, please realize that domestic violence *is* child abuse. I imagine that not every CPS is as up on this as they are in Oregon (we — the shelter community — were doing trainings with police and CPS workers.) but don’t let that stop you from making a call. You could save a child’s life. Maybe it would have saved this child’s life. I know Lisa Boss had a lot of friends who were worried about her and they may not have realized that the domestic violence was enough to take action to help her kids. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE *IS* CHILD ABUSE.

p.s. Unfortunately, many of us know moms who are in verbally/emotionally abusive relationships. I imagine that the situation is the same, i.e., that children who witness their moms being verbally/emotionally abused display the characteristics of children who are themselves being verbally/emotionally abused. I don’t think there have been studies about it but it stands to reason. Sadly, CPS won’t take action against such abuse even when it *is* being perpetuated against a child let alone against his/her mom. But I wish this was common knowledge. I can think of one person in my life who is very much in denial about how these things affect the kid(s) in a family. :(

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