My first two years’ of entries, now in my new(er) blog!

December 31, 2001

It looks like I’m here updating my blog but actually I’m here thinking about how I could redesign my page. It’s pretty limited because 1) I like the graphics on this site, and 2) my html skills are really very meager. I can’t do anything too fancy. I’m thinking of expanding this blog, though. Not sure how. So anyway, I’m adding some links to other blogs down on the left-hand column and while I was here doing that, I thought I’d write a bit more in my journal.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately and I’m amazed at how much more personal people get than I’m able to get. I’m just too aware that people I know IRL are reading my journal so there’s plenty of stuff I want to put in and don’t. I’d like to write more about infertility, for example, as a support for other infertile types who might wander in but I don’t want to talk about specific things that might include info about IRL people. I mean, those folks didn’t ask to get written into my journal; I try to be diplomatic about what I might say. Also, I know that my family reads this and is sometimes uncomfortable about other things I’ve written so I don’t write more.

Writing in a blog is somehow more cathartic than writing in a “real” journal because of the whole audience aspect. I may be limited in what I feel comfortable saying but knowing that other people are reading it is agood thing, too. On the other hand, I don’t feel like rigging up a comments feature because I don’t necessarily need this to be a two-way writing extravaganza. I don’t mind it when folks email me but if I had a comments feature, I’d probably be checking it a lot and then starting dialogues with people I don’t know. That can get a person in trouble which is why so many of us have sworn off online boards and listservs. I told my therapist about the criticism I got from some online people about my conversion and she pointed out that I didn’t need to engage with those people. True, but I always feel like I have an obligation to give people another point of view. I have a delusion that even close-minded people could turn open-minded if you give them a pretty little turn of phrase. So far it hasn’t happened.

December 29, 2001

I went and got my bloodwork done yesterday. They took vials and vials of blood. Brett has to go in, too, because they’re doing genetic testing.

I noticed that earlier in my journal I said that there’s no way Noah was going to kindergarten and then a few entries later I say that he definitely is. Well, he is. After much discussion with my therapist trying to figure out what I want for him and for our family and confronting all (most) of my fears about public school, I’ve decided that he’s going to go. I’m still keeping the idea of homeschooling in the back of my mind but I have way too many issues with it to just jump in whole hog.

Yesterday it snowed here, great big fat December flakes. Noah took Peanut out into it and they romped around together. Noah was wandering around singing to himself and dragging his feet to make tracks. I watched him out there in his little peaked snowhat and I could just barely hear him singing, “It’s snowing, it’s snowing, it’s snowing!” Peanut was racing around like a mad dog. She can run so fast! Like a very small deer or an extremely odd-looking rabbit. Then she leapt onto the top of the sandbox and started gobbling down the snow. This got Noah to laughing and he jumped up with her and started slip-sliding around.

It was a lovely thing to see.

December 27, 2001

I can’t figure out how to use my new bread machine. How hard can it be? Dump it all in, right? Well, so far I’ve had to throw out three loaves of bread. I have a kitchen aid mixer so this wasn’t really something I *needed* but I *wanted* it because I naively thought it’d be easier to make my own organic whole wheat bread (no hydrogenated oils) and challah. I’m sick of driving ‘cross town to buy bread and I won’t buy the yucky stuff at the grocery. I also got a CD burner — finally! I got an IOU from Brett for one last year for xmas, my birthday, and our anniversary. Unfortunately, Brett got me such a good once (that he found on clearance! Hooray Brett!) that iTunes doesn’t work with it yet. So far I’ve made 5 coasters and 2 mix CDs. Despite my bitching, it has been a very merry xmas.

Noah is very busy right now playing with his new Playmobil cowboy people and we are both fighting hacking,wheezing, sniffling colds. But we are content playing with our toys (I’m loving the new optical mouse) despite our post-nasal drip. Poor Brett is at work, shivering ‘cuz the powers that be are trying to save money by turning the heat way down. Fortunately, his parents got him a new winter coat and a polartec vest so things could be worse.

Tomorrow I go for the blood tests that miracle baby doctor recommended. I’ll probably get the results next Wednesday due to the holiday.

December 20, 2001

Back to the miracle baby doctor again. I have now graduated from “infertile” to “recurrent pregnancy loss” which is a different insurance code entirely. I think it’s better to have recurrent pregnancy loss than to get stuck with the other medical label they use which is “habitual aborter.” Anyway, he recommends a battery of tests to look at genetic issues, coagulation, potential immunity problems, insulin resistance (which I think I have although how severely I’m not sure) and structural problems (minor out-patient surgery called a hysteroscopy). He’s also putting me (and Brett) on a course of antibiotics not just ‘cuz of the surgery but because infections can cause miscarriages. All of this and I didn’t even bother to tell him about the positive test I had this weekend.

I’m not sure if we’ll actually get to do all the stuff he wants me to do because of insurance restrictions. We’ll have to see. I’m not crazy about getting a hysteroscopy but I’m not crazy about having had 5 or 6 pregnancies and only one baby to show for it.

Today Noah came running in from outside to go potty. A few minutes later I hear, “Tushie wipe! Stepping stool!” So I go on in to fetch the stepping stool and wipe a tush. Noah smiles when he sees me come in and announces that he needs to change his underwear. This is a usual event in his life because he doesn’t always realize he needs to go poop until he’s started. I say the usual: remember to put the poopy underwear in the big hamper so the dog doesn’t get to it. Noah watches me washing my hands while he pulls his pants up. Then he says, smiling up at me with adoration, “I love you, mommy, because you don’t care if I poop in my pants.”

It’s nice to be appreciated.

December 19, 2001

Everytime I open Eudora I have naive hopes that maybe this time I’ll get a really terrific email. Like a job offer, or a note from the agent saying she sold the book for 1.2 million dollars, or even a letter from a long-lost, much-missed friend. Instead it’s the usual porn, pyramid schemes and smarmy posts from the FlyLady. I get occasional good stuff from friends but nothing that makes me want to go dance around the living room with joy. With frustration maybe, but not joy.

December 16, 2001

For his conversion present, I got Noah a book of midrashic stories written for children called Clouds of Glory (note to those who will click the previous link: for some reason the entry for the book includes reviews for a different, unrelated book as well as the correct book. Be forewarned). We read a chapter last night and then read one tonight. The book is helping start a dialogue about God/G-d that I wanted to have with Noah but didn’t know how to begin. It’s also allowed me to introduce the concept of metaphor as a way of trying to make sense of great mysteries. For example, tonight Noah said, “But how can we have voices if we’re made of earth? We’re not made of earth! We’re made of body things!” I reminded him that the book is a story that is supposed to help us think about God. I told him that this story was to help us understand that we are a part of the earth and so have an obligation to take care of it, and also to remind us that we’re here on purpose; we have a point. Cynicism be damned, I think that’s an important thing to tell a child: you have an obligation, you have a purpose.

I spent about four hours today with an old friend I haven’t seem in about three years. He’s a really wonderful person that I met (and dated) approximately fifteen years ago. Of all my ex-boyfriends, he’s the one I like best. He’s very smart and funny and kind and it was terrific to see him again. It made my weekend actually.

December 15, 2001

I woke up this morning, got a second line on a pregnancy test and started bleeding and cramping almost immediately. I don’t know if it’s a false positive or a true positive and an early miscarriage. I don’t even know if I care. I’m not as devestated as I normally am. I guess I’m just resigned. Sad, but not undone by my sadness.

I’m thinking that maybe I’ll enroll in school next year and get my MSW. Noah will be in kindergarten and it would be something good to fill my days. I need to get on with the next stage of my life.

I have been thinking lately about the spacing that’s going to be between my kids (if I ever have a second kid) and they’re so far apart now that I’m not worked up about it anymore. I’m really enjoying Noah now and I feel really fortunate that I’ve had more time with him than I might have had if I’d had a baby when I first wanted to. I mean, I do want another child but I can see how I could learn to want other things, too. The most painful thing is letting go of that goal. That’s not the same as giving up, it’s more like giving in. If a baby comes, that would be a wonderful, wonderful thing. But if not, well, my life is pretty good already and I can do things to make it better.

December 8, 2001

I’ve got a new pic up of Noah and me at Cannon Beach this fall. You can see it by clicking here. I’ve been very busy and that’s why I haven’t been updating at all. I got Noah romper-stompers at work and he was thrilled with them. I got them because preschool is out for the month and he was getting stir-crazy on rainy days.

My sister has been trying to ebay some of her art. It’s really wonderful stuff so I encourage you to check it out if you get the chance. I’m trying to dummy up a web page for her but I’m really not a very good web designer.

We took my mother-in-law to Tot Shabbat at temple last night. Noah actually tried to sing along; it’s the first time he’s done that. Pam enjoyed the service and we had a good time, too. We’re getting into the swing of observing Shabbat but I’m still stymied by all the Hebrew. I can sorta read along but am not so good at doing it solo.

Bookmark
SubscribeBloglinesDiggdel.icio.usFacebookStumbleUponTechnorati

Related posts