A side note: I know of several instances over years wherein harmful adoptive parents were encouraged to remain a part of children’s lives, while the birthparents were simultaneously outed. (I believe the norm is that most adoptive parents are great parents, as most birthparents are, too … and mention this only to underscore a too-often employed double standard when it comes to this issue.) I find the term “works out” an odd one. What does working out look like? No conflict? No feelings of loss? No confusion? No messy humannness? As if that only occurs within the context of an open adoption.

Well, OK, I could chime in with how frustrating it is when people say similar things to me about our situation with M’s first mom. I have to believe it comes from being uninformed. Which, of course, comes right back to me — because it’s got to be up to me, up to my husband, to better explain things to these people who are in our lives thinking these things. Even if these are folks more on the outskirts, if you will: colleagues, neighbors two blocks down or even an extended family member we see once a year. It’s a continuing process, conversation even.

I try to take a wee bit of comfort in knowing that every conversation with, for example, my 85 year old grandmother about M’s first mom isn’t going to be as “aware” as I want it to be. But the thing is, we’re having the conversations. And each time we do it’s further proof to me how much she loves M and is willing to learn. And sometimes, sometimes … that’s everything.

Honestly, what a silly thing to say. As if everything “works out” in non-adoptive families.

Anyway, what you described is much like any other aspect of parenting. Of course, you want the best for your child in the long run. But who hasn’t done something in the hear and now because it worked and you were only concentrating on what worked at that point in time. For example, allowing your kid to stay up late one night when family was over. Or bribing your kid to be quiet so you can finish checking out at the grocery store. Or bought them a special treat for no reason because you were away at the store and you thought, “Kiddo would like that?” Or allowed them to crawl into bed with you on the night of a thunderstorm even though you’re normal not all about co-sleeping. Or …

The list goes on.

Parents make decisions on the fly, all the time, for their children. There is a greater purpose in parenting, which you work towards on the whole but you really just get there by the seat of your pants. No plans stay firm in parenting. Things change. People change. Kids are supposed to change. Likewise, when it comes to open adoption, you accept the ebb and flow of the relationship and your lives apart and together and make decisions as your child grows and changes. If your child didn’t grow and change, you would be worried!

I’m just so tired of the naysayers who come up with really lame-based arguments. No, no one can predict the future. If we could predict said future my guess is that less mothers would place their children. They’d just look in a magic ball and say, “Ohp! My kid will turn out okay! So, forget that idea.” Adoptive parents don’t have that magic ball either.

Cold medicine speaking. Holla.