Valuing openness in adoption

8Feb2008 Filed under: Adoption Author: Dawn

Someone recently told me, in the context of talking about open adoption, (and I’m going to quote this person here) that I was “fortunate in finding a birth mother who was a pretty sensible human being; how about women who aren’t so reasonable?” (I know some of you — several of you — are cringing right now — I am, too, with all that’s unsaid here about “women who aren’t so reasonable.”)

This is what I keep coming back to:

Yes, we’re fortunate. But it’s not about us. And it’s not about Pennie being “a pretty sensible human being.” That’s not what open adoption is about. Open adoption is about connection and the possibility of connection and our particular open adoption has been very much shaped by who we are and who Pennie is and the circumstances that surround our adoption.

I keep thinking about this because I realize I must have done a poor job (over and over again) of explaining that a “good” open adoption isn’t one that promises X number of visits (or even any visits) or X packets of photos. Openness looks like different things for different families and as families build their lifetime relationships, they need to acknowledge the practical limits and personal boundaries.

American Family? She doesn’t have an open adoption with L’s first family in China but in many ways their adoption is about openness. Because even though they don’t have visits, she (and Mr. A) work hard to incorporate L’s history into their family history. I see lots of international adoptive parents who have this same openness in their adoptions. Likewise I know lots of domestic adoption folks who have an attitude of openness even if they don’t have contact with their children’s families of origin.

When adoptive parents make decisions about contact from an attitude of openness, it doesn’t mean they throw open the doors and windows and start handing out keys. See, people get confused about that. If you go into things believing that openness matters, you look at the challenges and say, “How can I honor my kid’s connections in an appropriate way?”

Something else this person said to me, “Your child is still very young … the verdict is by no means in yet on how well this is going to work.” This is true. And if I were concerned with end results, this might bother me. But I’m not concerned with the end results as much as the here and now. Again, it’s about attitude. When we make decisions about our kids and their relationships, there’s no predicting so we say, “Does this make sense right now?” Listen, if Pennie suddenly became UNsensible (whatever that means), would that negate the value of her presence now? It’s like saying, “I don’t really want my child to get to know his Great Uncle Bob because Bob has a history of heart disease and just had a triple bypass and the risk of being hurt is too great.” Instead we have to ask ourselves, “Is the value of knowing Great Uncle Bob now worth the risk of pain?”

I just wanted to write this down for myself and now I have.

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5 Responses to “Valuing openness in adoption”

Munchkin's Mom
February 8th, 2008 at 4:32 pm

Love the connotation that the majority of mothers who place aren’t sensible. Augh. I’m so tired of the stereotypes. But, of course, I’m sure saying, “Augh” makes me UNsensible. Or something.

Anyway, what you described is much like any other aspect of parenting. Of course, you want the best for your child in the long run. But who hasn’t done something in the hear and now because it worked and you were only concentrating on what worked at that point in time. For example, allowing your kid to stay up late one night when family was over. Or bribing your kid to be quiet so you can finish checking out at the grocery store. Or bought them a special treat for no reason because you were away at the store and you thought, “Kiddo would like that?” Or allowed them to crawl into bed with you on the night of a thunderstorm even though you’re normal not all about co-sleeping. Or …

The list goes on.

Parents make decisions on the fly, all the time, for their children. There is a greater purpose in parenting, which you work towards on the whole but you really just get there by the seat of your pants. No plans stay firm in parenting. Things change. People change. Kids are supposed to change. Likewise, when it comes to open adoption, you accept the ebb and flow of the relationship and your lives apart and together and make decisions as your child grows and changes. If your child didn’t grow and change, you would be worried!

I’m just so tired of the naysayers who come up with really lame-based arguments. No, no one can predict the future. If we could predict said future my guess is that less mothers would place their children. They’d just look in a magic ball and say, “Ohp! My kid will turn out okay! So, forget that idea.” Adoptive parents don’t have that magic ball either.

Cold medicine speaking. Holla.
Erin O'
February 8th, 2008 at 6:54 pm

Brava! To the post and the first comment.
Riderone
February 9th, 2008 at 7:09 am

“Something else this person said to me, ‘Your child is still very young … the verdict is by no means in yet on how well this is going to work.’”

Honestly, what a silly thing to say. As if everything “works out” in non-adoptive families.
Gretchen aka mamagigi
February 9th, 2008 at 1:52 pm

Well said, Dawn. There’s nothing to add really — that’s how spot on you are.

Well, OK, I could chime in with how frustrating it is when people say similar things to me about our situation with M’s first mom. I have to believe it comes from being uninformed. Which, of course, comes right back to me — because it’s got to be up to me, up to my husband, to better explain things to these people who are in our lives thinking these things. Even if these are folks more on the outskirts, if you will: colleagues, neighbors two blocks down or even an extended family member we see once a year. It’s a continuing process, conversation even.

I try to take a wee bit of comfort in knowing that every conversation with, for example, my 85 year old grandmother about M’s first mom isn’t going to be as “aware” as I want it to be. But the thing is, we’re having the conversations. And each time we do it’s further proof to me how much she loves M and is willing to learn. And sometimes, sometimes … that’s everything.
T
February 15th, 2008 at 5:20 pm

The comment carries the underlying (or not so underlying) tone that adoptive parents, by nature of a cultural role, are always “sensible.” Over and over we see that families are simply families, human beings are simply human beings. There are birthparents who must deal with unsensible adoptive parents — with no options if they want contact with their children. There are parents (adoptive or non-adoptive) who must deal with unsensible parties: birthparents, grandparents, in laws, etc. There are unsensible siblings and other “unsensible” people who have a deep connection with our children. And??? We work through it for the sake of our kids, so long as there is not abuse, of course.

A side note: I know of several instances over years wherein harmful adoptive parents were encouraged to remain a part of children’s lives, while the birthparents were simultaneously outed. (I believe the norm is that most adoptive parents are great parents, as most birthparents are, too … and mention this only to underscore a too-often employed double standard when it comes to this issue.) I find the term “works out” an odd one. What does working out look like? No conflict? No feelings of loss? No confusion? No messy humannness? As if that only occurs within the context of an open adoption.

"When I face the desolate impossibility of writing five hundred pages a sick sense of failure falls on me and I know I can never do it. This happens every time. Then gradually I write one page and then another. One day's work is all I can permit myself to contemplate and I eliminate the possibility of ever finishing."

~John Steinbeck

About Me

I have two kids and a delightfully odd husband, Brett. My children are Noah (born to us in 1997) and Madison (born to her first mom, Pennie, in 2004 and brought to our family through a domestic, open adoption). They are my inspiration and also the reason I don't get more done around here.

I'm a writer and sometimes I get published, which is a nice thing. I write for joy, I write for money and when I'm very lucky, both things happen at the same time. My work appears in national publications including Yoga Journal, Disney's Family.com, Utne, Wondertime, Brain Child and Salon. Currently I am working on a book about my daughter's adoption and seeking representation for the proposal. I also own Smart Cookie Communications with my husband.