Useful links for me
Apr 19, 2004 Adoption
In focusing and sharing birth mother grief realize that the birth mother made a positive plan for her and her child. You are an integral part of this special plan. If you share in her feelings of loss and grief, then take positive actions to help you both feel good about the plan that has come together for the adoptive triad. Write her a letter, make her an album, make certain that she knows what a great job she has done in giving this precious gift of life to you. Recognize that her grief is a natural part of the healing process.
Most of all, know that what you are feeling is a normal response to stress, that you are not alone, and that there is help for this difficult phase of your adoption experience.
Many adoptive parents, particularly adoptive mothers, may have these feelings and try to ignore them and “tough it out”. They may experience feelings of guilt because they aren’t elated and thrilled now their dreams of adopting a child have come true.
Looking back, I wonder why it took me so long to understand what now seem like obvious reasons for my emotional nosedive. Anytime we achieve a major life goal, whether it’s graduating from university, landing a dream job, getting married, or having a baby, there is some sort of letdown afterward. For those of us who adopt children of a different race, the health concerns or infertility that led us to choose adoption are suddenly in the forefront, thrust there by the questions that strangers ask when they see us with our children.
Then there is the added stress the adoptive parents put on themselves. After a few days of taking care of this baby, some start questioning their infertility and their decision to adopt. They worry about bonding with the baby if it doesn’t happen immediately. Because they are overwhelmed, they may feel they are “bad” parents.
Needless to say, I’m having my ups and downs. Way up on Saturday, way down on Sunday, middling-low today.
I think I’m doing too much and trying too hard. I keep trying to keep up on the housework (I know, I’m insane) and I worry that Noah isn’t getting enough of my attention. I fret that if I let Madison sleep by herself in the bassinette that I’m setting her up for a lifetime of poor attachment to me.
Today I’m consciously letting things slide. I’m trying not to feel guilty that I have J’s baby and she doesn’t, that my friends are cooking for me, and that my son is spending an awful lot of time alone. And Madison is in that bassinette right now, dammit. I’ve got to take care of myself or I won’t be much good for anyone.
April 19th, 2004 at 3:08 pm
Don’t forget…. lack of sleep will have a huge emotional effect on you… it enhances already troubling thoughts.
-d
April 19th, 2004 at 4:13 pm
Please do not fret about Madison sleeping peacefully in her bassinet. She is quite content. When she needs you, she will let you know loud and clear. And of course you will respond by picking her up and feeding/changing/loving her. The developmental task of infancy is trust. You are teaching her this; she will learn quickly “When I cry Mom or Dad comes”. The world is a pretty good place when you cry and loving parents take care of you! Her attachment to you comes from those interactions. Take care of yourself–you need it to be the best mom you can be.
April 19th, 2004 at 4:50 pm
Dawn, I understand so much of what you’re going through! I keep telling people that my 3 1/2 yo is doing remarkably well being neglected…sad, but true. People ask how I do it, how I get “anything done” with such a high-needs, colicky, refluxing baby…I say, “Have you SEEN my house???”
Hang in there! I’m thinking of you while I ignore my laundry. ;o)
April 19th, 2004 at 6:58 pm
You’ve stumbled across one of the tenets of parenthood, esp. motherhood, that seems to have been lost over the past few years. You, not the baby, must come first. The baby is incredibly important and absolutely needs your undivided attention - when she’s awake, or hungry, or cranky, or sick, or happy etc, however you are the one providing all her needs. You can’t possibly do that even adequately unless you are properly fed, rested and cherished yourself. I was trying to be everything to everybody with Baby #1 and put myself last constantly…until baby and I wound up in a mother’s and baby’s facility due to me being a nervous wreck. That’s when I most painfully learned that if you don’t look after yourself, you can’t look after your baby. Sleep with the baby if that’s what you’re comfortable doing…put the baby in the bassinette if that fits better. The rights and wrongs are very simple. If you and baby are happy, it’s right. If you and baby are unhappy then it’s wrong, irrespective of what any other person has to say.
April 20th, 2004 at 8:03 am
Whatever you do, do not buy that your child won’t be appropriately attached to you if she sleeps in a bassinet. It is simply not true. I know about AP and followed many of AP ways of doing things (breastfeeding on demand, slings, etc.) but I could not co-sleep comfortably. Did my children wind up emotionally disconnected? No. And neither will yours, even if she sleeps every night in a bassinette or crib.
April 20th, 2004 at 11:58 am
I really really agree with Annes statement as its so true as mother and baby have a kind of symbiotic relationship in my view.
April 20th, 2004 at 12:10 pm
Wow, Erika, Anne and Barbara said it all! I really can’t add on to their incredibly wise words except to say, “What they said!”
Take good care, Dawn. Thinking of you.
April 20th, 2004 at 4:46 pm
Actually guys, baby does co-sleep! It’s the saving grace in all of this! But thank you for easing my built re., letting her nap alone occasionally. As someone who’s AP-standards were pretty high when Noah was small, I am very humbled these days.