I showered, picked up the coupons (actually I bribed Noah to pick up the coupons) and put away the rest of the groceries. Then I ran around and picked random things up and put them back where they belong. Now I’m strolling through my documents folder.

I found our “dear birth mother” letter. We last edited it on 7/8/03 and it makes me cringe. I mean, it’s fine and all but all of those letters are so annoying. Our agency gives a guide with subjects to address and we pretty much followed that. They also ask you to make it short and to the point, explaining that the women looking at it have the opportunity to ask for more information if they want it. Our letter was only about 1600 words plus a page of pictures. I also found my answers to the eight questions the agency gives you to answer before the homestudy. That way the social worker has a base to start her interview. I loved writing my answers to those questions — it was like a blog meme. Brett, however, was in hell.

Below the cut I’m pasting most of my answers to the eight questions. Not all of ‘em because some of them are info about family that Brett would rather not be here on the blog.

Answers to the 8 Questions

2. Personal & Emotional Maturity

My ability to delay gratification: Well, I’d say 3+ years of infertility honed my delayed gratification skills. Really. Also because we lived on one income for a very long time, we became very good at careful budgeting and thoughtful purchases. That new comforter? We’re still saving up for it.



When have you felt unappreciated? How did you react? Hmmm. Sometimes as a housewife, I feel very grouchy. Especially when I cook a lovely, nutritious meal and Noah turns up his nose with nary a bite. My reaction, a heavy sigh and Noah is asked to eat a “no thank you” bite. You know, he has to try it and then reject it politely (we’re working on that). What can I say, a mother’s job is gratifying but pretty thankless day-to-day. Fortunately, if you look for ‘em, the rewards are plentiful. Other times I’ve felt unappreciated? During my entire adolescence. Fortunately, I grew out of it.



Are you able to realistically identify your own strengths and weakness? Yup. Do you want details? OK, I’m not shy! My parenting strength is communication and empathy. My weakness is consistency or the lack thereof. We can talk details at your visit.

3. Stability and Quality of Interpersonal Relationships

Strengths and Weaknesses? Wow, that’s tough. Like parenting, I think it would be communication and empathy. I’ve also learned to accept people for who they are and not for the person I wish they would be. I’m fortunate enough that my friends and family offer me the same consideration. Weaknesses would probably be that sometimes when there is a huge conflict I practice avoidance rather than gentle confrontation. I’m working on this. Actually, I was in therapy to help me resolve my infertility and I learned better how to say, “You’ve hurt my feelings” instead of hiding in a corner and moping because my friends aren’t psychic.

Is stability reflected in your family history/current relationships? Family history? Not so much. My dad has been married (and divorced) three times. Fortunately my mom is a rock and we are still very close. My husband is a rock, too, and his parents are great marriage role models. Friendships? I have close friendships that generally last a long time.

4. Level of Openness in Relationships

How open are you to new ideas and receiving help? Very. It’s one reason I like my job so much. Freelancers have to be open to new information and concepts and also to getting input from a variety of sources. And I am always grateful for help.

Can you make shifts in role definition? I do so daily. As a telecommuting writer and stay-at-home mom, I’ve perfected the art of being 3,000 people at once.

Do you acknowledge and appreciate individual differences between people? Yup. In fact I helped give diversity trainings at the homeless shelter where I worked pre-Noah because this is something I value very much.

5. Empathy and Perspective Taking Ability

Empathy and perspective strength or problems? I’m good at this. My skills were honed at the shelter but this was something I was good at anyway. At my various childcare jobs, I was always assigned to the “difficult” kids because I was good with them. I think this is because I could always put myself in their shoes.

What do you feel re., your ability to interpret verbal, non-verbal, or behavioral cues? I think that my ability is pretty darn good.

What is your ability to verbalize other people’s feelings? Again, pretty good. And you know what book changed my life about this? How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk. I used the techniques at shelter and it was miraculous how effective it was. I was so interested that I took a conflict resolution class in college.

Are you able to visualize yourself in the child’s or birthparent’s place? Yes. In fact, one of the turning points in my infertility resolution was reading a book about unplanned pregnancy. Lately I’ve thought that perhaps we are being led to adoption not just because we are meant to parent a child not born to us but also because we are meant to have a tie to the birthmother. I don’t know what our relationship to her will be like but I am excited and honored to know that whatever contact we have with her (even if it is none or very little), she will be present in our lives and most importantly, in the lives of the child whom we both love.

6. Understanding of Entitlement Roles/Issues

Do you think you will have any problems feeling entitled to parent an adoptive child? No. I really don’t. [Ha! Says Dawn of two years later. Little did I know what an issue this would be for me!] But the openness makes a big difference to me. The fact that the birthmother will at the very least agree to place her child with us (the way Samantha did, backing into the social worker’s recommendations) makes a big difference to me, especially because we’re adopting transracially. I am very aware of the controversies surrounding transracial adoption but when I see it as a personal decision between the birthparent(s) and us and not a huge political statement, I feel very calm about it.

Do you think you will be able to verbalize this if it’s an issue? Let me tell you a story about me in therapy (again, to help resolve my infertility). There I was babbling away about each minute thought and feeling when I said off-handedly, “I think I’m pretty in touch with my feelings.” To which my therapist replied, wearily, “I think that’s an understatement.”

7. Ability to take a “hands on” approach to parenting

What discipline techniques do you plan to use? We use natural consequences and discussion. Time-outs, too, although these are literally breaks from the conflict and not punishment. I used to teach parenting classes and have lots of tools at my disposal and lots of parenting support, too. We do not use physical discipline. While I don’t think you can make value judgments on a parenting relationship based on any one parenting choice taken out of context, we are personally opposed to spanking.

8. Ability to make and honor commitments

Examples of ability to maintain long-term relationships and to keep promises and commitments even when you don’t get anything out of the deal. Our decision to be parents to Noah was a huge one. Obviously parenthood requires tremendous sacrifices (such as that villa in France we dream about) but hey, you get to have a kid so I’d say it’s a pretty good deal.

Will you be able to realistically anticipate your child’s future needs and problems? I hope so. I know that we will need to be on top of things and look for outside support and community. We also know that inviting other people to be a part of our family’s life will help us gain perspective and better parent our child.

Are you willing to continue the parenting role into the child’s adulthood? Yes because I know how much my mother is still my mother although I’m 33 and how important her support is to me. She’s a huge blessing in my life and I hope that I can follow her example for my kids.

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