Score at the thrift store
We ran by the thrift store after Noah’s gym class and they were having a nice sale. I spent a tad over nine bucks and got a bunch of Gymboree clothes for the future little girl Madison, a pair of shorts for Noah, a pair of shorts for me and several books (natch). The best buy was a pair of like new size 110 Hanna Andersson tights for a quarter.
The women who run the shop are sweet but busy bodies. It’s a Christian-oriented thrift store and I think they think that I am one of them. You know, kid with a biblical name, homeschooler. When Noah was smaller, they made a fuss over how great it was that I was home with him and wasn’t I such a smart, frugal mother. It was a good ego boost to visit on my truly “what the hell have I done to my life” days. Anyway, they locked right on to Madison and started asking questions.
In adoption circles there is much discussion about adopted children having a right to their own story and being able to choose themselves when they come out as adopted. (I don’t see how Madison will get around it really, especially if her hair gets curly.) These particular women have seen Noah and me come into the shop for the past four years and watched me head straight to the back where the $.25 baby clothes are stored in the dresser and I told them that we were adopting. Still, I felt awkward especially as they started asking questions about the birth mom and how we did it, etc.
Part of me wants to talk about the openness because I really want to share that open adoption can work and be beautiful and happy and all of that. Also, I feel like I have the opportunity to talk up birth moms. Sometimes people will make kinda subtle disparaging remarks about birth mothers as if they have to take sides in the adoption for us. I think it’s important to make it clear that we have nothing but respect and admiration for J., that we don’t assume that other women in similar situations should make the same choices (people also occasionally launch into stories of people in their lives who “should” place their unborn babies for adoption), and that we don’t resent the openness.
On the other hand, I know that it isn’t really anyone else’s business how Madison came to our family or who her birth family is or how we arranged it or anything.
I’m hoping that it will make sense to me as I go.
And yes, I appreciate the irony of my struggling with this when I have this blog. What can I say. I’m a paradox.
It sounds a little like the “life-long” coming out thing I was just yakking about. There are some days when I’m all about “educating” the would-have-been-hostile people with my bright, cheery, sweet, “what a normal looking girl!” self.
Other days, I just wanna shout “piss off and mind your own business!” at the world.
I appreciate your sharing this moment, (and really, your whole process) on the blog (which is different than the real life situations you describe and so not at all ironic). It is so nice to know that one is not alone in one’s crazy life choices. If someone with whom one is not alone goes FIRST and breaks the ice for one? Bonus!
Hi there,
I just wanted to stop by and tell you that you’re a very inspiring mom to me and I’m planning to link to you as soon as I update (maybe today?) If we decide to have another child, we will definately adopt. I’m also currently weighing homeschooling vs. public school for my 5 year old but haven’t made a decision yet. SO thanks for writing!
For us is such an OBVIOUS difference that we draw the stares of everyone in just about every place we visit. For the most part I’m pretty open and don’t mind talking about it, but there are days I’m simply not in the mood or the questions were asked in a way or tone that bothered me and it is difficult to not respond or give short answers without seeming rude or evasive…it is something i work on every day. My sense of humor has carried me though some difficult situations but I’m hoping to teach Ky that it is OK to not have to talk about it if she doesn’t want to. We can’t shelter her from rude or inapropriate comments but hopefull we’ll teach her how to handle them. Just the other day someone said (to my parents) “where did you get her?” (can you believe that?!!!) and my mother responded “at a nearby grandbaby-making factory…why? Where did you get yours?” We have had to work really hard on helping Ky either deflect it with humor or simply say “I don’t want to talk about this right now” and most of it is sticking. Not too long ago someone said to me “who does she look like?” or something to that effect in a tone I’m not sure I could describe and I responded “she looks just like her daddy” (I purposely ommitted Willie which is what she calls her birthdad) so you can just imagine how everyone’s jaws dropped when they saw her run up to my husband yelling “papi” - I didn’t lie…she does look like daddy Willie!LOL It is difficult though and I wouldn’t recommend trans-racial adoptions to just anyone…you have to really know your own tolerance for attention. If you are extremely shy having everyone looking at you can be horrible…there are days I wish I could “turn it off” but for the most part we have learned to deal with it. Sorry this is so choppy…stealing a few minutes at work…hum…maybe I should let them catch me…w/ any luck I’ll be fired!
Oh yeah…great going to the bargains…there are days I have to stop myself from saying (after somone compliments something either Ky or I am wearing) AND IT ONLY COST $2.00!!!LOL
I understand your conflict. As a birthmother, what bugs me the most is when an adoptive parent starts prattling off the reasons why the birthparents placed. What does that have to do with anything, and isn’t that a bit much? It really doesn’t seem that hard to me anyways to say, they were good people in a tough spot.
I extend that same respect of privacy to my birthson’s parents. They wanted to have children, chose adoption, and they are awesome, good people. Hopefully someday some other potential birthparent with choose them like I did.
Do I know more to their story? Yep… but I don’t know what they are comfortable sharing to other people… let alone how much of a struggle it was to let me and my husband into that emotional trust.
I just know you’ll find a way through with grace and compassion for everyone involved.
My husband and I are interested in international adoption. We visited orphanages in Ecuador and Uganda last year. One of our concerns is raising such a child in Arkansas. Things are amazingly behind here in many ways. It bothers me to no end. Thanks for all the insight to your experiences so far.
I think that blogging about something as personal as open adoption, or transracial adoption, is a whole lot different than having to deal with it in real life; you don’t have as much control and sometimes there’s no getting away gracefully.