Questions asked
5Sep2007 Filed under: Adoption Author: DawnOver on LJ, Laurel asked,
How has the birthfather been woven into these stories?The reason I ask is because while with Jessica, you have a pretty nice fully open adoption going, but with the birthfather, it’s seemingly closed. There are a lot of people who are parenting children under closed, semi-closed, and semi-open arrangements where the birthparents are not regularly around and even if in communication with the adoptive parents are still relatively unknown/mysterious.
I’m just curious what ground work you have laid out for the normalicy of having a birthfather, specifically the one she has and not just a birthfather.
So far he hasn’t been (woven in, I mean). I asked Madison recently, “Hey, Madison, you know you have a birth mommy, right? Do you ever wonder about having a birth daddy?” And she said, “No.” And I said, “Well, you do have a birth daddy and if you want to talk about him or ask about him, you can do that.” And I left it.
What the expert-types told us was that birth dad would likely come up as she learned the birds and the bees and realized that it’s not pregnancy that makes a baby, it’s conception with egg AND sperm. Right now she’s all about pregnancy, which seems developmentally appropriate. Still I know that Noah was around four when he was able to grasp that Brett had something to do with his arrival so I know that her wanting to know about him is likely just around the corner. I want to get this book as recommended by Am-Fam soon to ready ourselves for it.
Jessica and I have been talking about him and his non-presence (very unlikely to change for non-bloggable reasons — some of you know the details). We both virtually stalk him to keep a rough idea of what’s going on with him but he’s pretty much inaccessible. We both kinda don’t know how to deal with this and that’s why we’ve been talking about it — so we’re on the same page with Madison.
I have to be very careful about details so suffice to say that he’s a blank spot for the most part and that’s certainly hard and confusing and not ideal but it’s what it is (sigh). And it does make me that much more grateful for Jessica’s presence and participation. I feel much more muddled and confused about what to do around him so I can imagine that that’s how it might feel if we didn’t have openness with Jessica.
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About Me
I have two kids and a delightfully odd husband, Brett. My children are Noah (born to us in 1997) and Madison (born to her first mom, Pennie, in 2004 and brought to our family through a domestic, open adoption). They are my inspiration and also the reason I don't get more done around here.
I'm a writer and sometimes I get published, which is a nice thing. I write for joy, I write for money and when I'm very lucky, both things happen at the same time. My work appears in national publications including Yoga Journal, Disney's Family.com, Utne, Wondertime, Brain Child and Salon. Currently I am working on a book about my daughter's adoption and seeking representation for the proposal. I also own Smart Cookie Communications with my husband.
Jenna
September 5th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Thanks for the link to that book. Very cool..
JustEnjoyHim/Judy
September 8th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
When we were talking about Nate’s story in family therapy, I told Nate that his birth dad wasn’t with his birth mom after he got in her tummy, and he said, “how come?” I hesitated — Dr. Smart Cookie looked at me and said, “it’s OK to say ‘I don’t know,’ so I said ‘I don’t know.’”
I’m not saying that your situation with Madison is the same; this is Nate’s story (and beyond that also not bloggable), but it gave me a great sense of relief just to feel like it’s OK to say “I don’t know.” In fact, I say “I don’t know” to him quite a bit, but in that case, with something SO important, I guess I wanted to have all the answers. But I don’t.