First off, today is my baby brother’s birthday! Happy birthday, Justin! My gosh are you old! Which makes me even older. Hmph.

Second off, I may just possibly have the opportunity to fly out with Madison to meet most of J’s extended family at a big event this summer. It’s a very up-in-the-air proposition but J mentioned it to me and I am really hoping that it pans out. I emailed Lisa about it and she shared her own experience with this kind of family reunion and it just made me more excited.

I was prepared for some concerns from the peanut galley (i.e., friends and family) and since maybe you have them, too, I will happily address them right now.

1. Won’t you be nervous?

Probably.

2. Won’t it be weird?

Depends on how you define weird. I think it’ll be nerve-wracking and occasionally awkward and emotionally exhausting but also fun. And whatever it is, it’ll be worth it.

3. What if J’s family sees how cute Madison is and decide that they want her?

Unlikely since generally huge life decisions don’t hinge on cuteness. And really, if someone sidled up to me and said, “You know, I was all for this adoption thing but now that I see how cute and smart this baby is, I think I’d like to keep her around myself” I would just say, “No thank you but you’re welcome to take a lot of pictures.”

4. What if J’s family hate you for taking away the baby?

If there are people who are unhappy about the adoption, this is something that they need to work out with J. If they try to visit it on me, I don’t have to let them. If someone says something not so nice, I can recognize that it’s coming from their pain and loss and remember that it’s not me personally. If it got really bad, I could retire to my hotel room.

But it’s kinda like what Mimi told Karen, “Who cares?”

I don’t really care what people think about this adoption except as it might impact Madison. And she’s going to have to learn to deal with the assumptions, the opinions, and the misconceptions that people — including possibly her birth family and adoptive family — have about it. I think it’s better to get it all out into the open and deal with it. But I don’t have to take it on — I don’t have to let it affect the way I am experiencing this adoption.

This is similar to how I ended up resolving my feelings about the antiadoption people. The theories they have are theirs; they don’t have to threaten me. I don’t care if they call me an adoptress or a kidnapper or an unreal parenting fraud; that’s their deal. I can honor the reality of someone else’s hurt without making myself responsible for it; it has nothing to do with my family.

My wish is to give J’s parents and extended family the opportunity to be a part of Madison’s life for Madison’s sake. When J’s life pulls her away — as it likely will this fall since she’s making some career decisions — I want to create more familial ties since I think that will make it easier for J to come back to us when circumstances allow. (I’m being deliberately vague here on purpose — again, it’s a logistical thing and we just won’t see J as much next year.) Also, Madison is their first grandbaby. J’s mom got to visit and her dad wants to but hasn’t yet. If we can go out there, I think he would sleep easier.

I don’t really think that Madison will have a day-to-day or even year-to-year relationship with most of the people in J’s family — they live too far away and they’re very busy. But I want pictures of them and I want them to all make a connection now so that when Madison is, say, 16 and wants to build a connection, it’s not a complete shock to everyone. Or if we needed medical info, I’d like to make inroads now. It just makes sense.

But the best thing — the thing that makes me cross my fingers that this could happen — is the thought of seeing a room full of people who resemble Madison. Imagine the photo ops! I get goose bumps!

Now playing on iTunes: “Days Of Wine And Roses” from the album Midnight in the Garden by Diana Krall, Cassandra Wilson

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