This is to KrisAnne (her comment is to the entry before this one):

See now, (per your original comment) I KNOW that Madison will have her own take on things and from my perspective, being more open now will better serve her later because she will have more options. If she already has some sort of relationship in place with the maternal side of her birth family, it’ll be a lot easier to figure out how she wants to handle that. Now her birth dad has chosen NOT to be involved and so I feel like I can compare how that feels with how this feels and I’m still going with hip hip hooray, we’re so glad Jessica is here.

I didn’t say that Kim/OnTheFence (or anyone) should have a “happy-dappy” relationship with their child’s other mom (whether they are on the adoptive side or the birth side of things). I’m not really clear where it sounds like I’m saying that. I was defending our open adoption from Kim/OnTheFence’s presumption that she knows more about how our adoption might play out than I do, “I too, think that the relationship Dawn has with Madison’s birthmother is all new. It is real, and it is true for right now. Key words are ‘right now.’” (source)

Really, to me this is kinda like someone looking wryly at a new bride and saying, “Sure, your marriage seems real and true but it’s all new. My husband cheated on me, I know many women whose husbands have cheated on them and your husband may be faithful right now but the key words are “right now.”

Let me be clear — celebrating the way Madison’s adoption is playing out does not mean that I am disparaging anyone who’s adoption is playing out differently.

KrisAnne asked (in part — her whole comment is to the entry before this one):

She sounds so stable that it’s puzzling as to why she wouldn’t give parenting a try. Yet she is able to stay in Madison’s life and be similar to a co-parent. I think your story will be an interesting one to follow over the years. This is an off topic curiosity question: at this point, do you feel that your bond with your biological child is different than your bond with your adopted child? That is one of those age old questions that people always wonder about and I’d like to hear your perspective.

Now to the part of your comment quoted above:

1. I said this in my essay — I won’t get into why Jessica chose Madison to place with us. I can only quote her, “It’s what I needed to do.” Questioning her decision because she seems too “together” to choose adoption comes, I feel, dangerously close to wallowing in stereotypes. She chose it because it was her choice. Period.

2. Jessica is not a co-parent. She’s not here enough to be a co-parent. See, to me parent is a verb description. It’s the doing. It’s the wiping noses, giving baths and cooking breakfast. But Mother means a whole lot of other things. She is absolutely Madison’s mother. But this is terminology and other people might have a different definition of mother and parent, etc.

3. I’m sure our story will be interesting. Whose isn’t? I can’t think of a person out there without an interesting story worth hearing.

4. Is my bond with my two kids different? Yes, for a lot of reasons. It’s tempting to always point to the adoption but these kids have a lot of differences. One’s a boy, one’s a girl. One had a 27-year old new mother, the other had a 34-year old new mother. One had a nervous first-time mom, the other had a more jaded second-time mom. One is introverted and was intensely needy, the other is an exuberant extrovert who was fiercely independent from the get-go. One was all about mommy mommy mommy, the other fell in love with daddy early on and still looks at him with big moony brown eyes.

The intensity of my love for them is the same. My gratitude for them both is the same. I would throw my life down for either of them. And they are both my absolute favorite in totally different ways.

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