Frustrated
Mar 12, 2006 Adoption
One of the nifty things about Salon is that they list the technorati link for their articles at the end of each piece and of course along with checking the letters section daily (soon to be weekly — they have slowed down considerably) I also check the technorati link. First I got to bask in Kim.Kim’s kind words (and let me add that I was on tenterhooks waiting for her response because I have become very very fond of Kim.Kim in the past few months) but then I was reading OnTheFence who thinks I’m naive. (I’m putting the word “naive” into her mouth here but I think it fits.) You’ll have to read the whole entry and the comments if you want to make sure I’m not skewing words here because I’m leaving a bunch out but I’m going to address this part in particular:
I still hold to my belief that open adoption in general is not a good idea. I have seen far too many people hurt, including the children in these relationships.While some would like to believe that birthparents are all gungho and would never bow out of an open adoption agreement, I know way too many situations where this has happened. My belief is not just based on what happened with us, but with the countless others in these relationships…. I too, think that the relationship Dawn has with Madison’s birthmother is all new. It is real, and it is true for right now. Key words are “right now”. Dylan was three years old when his birthmother decided she no longer wanted contact with us. … Also, “struggling” in the beginning of parenting to forge relationships with strangers is not what I think is in the best interests of the children. While there are some successes, I’ve come across more pitfalls, where all members were hurt and small children were left confused.
OK. So first off, she’s right. We’re only about two years into this and it could be we’re all starry-eyed and in limmerance with open adoption and with each other. It might be that when the newness rubs off that Jessica will disappear and we’ll be left bereft and broken-hearted. (Typing broken-hearted reminds me to tell you that I didn’t pick the title for the essay. Just wanted to stick that in there because I’m not crazy about it.) I’ll take that imaginary scenario and tell you why the possibility of Jessica disappearing doesn’t change the way I feel about our open adoption right now.
1. Keeping an adoption more closed because Jessica might disappear someday seems a little bit like not letting Noah ride his bike because he might fall off and really hurt himself. Jessica is here now and this relationship is worth it for its very own immediate self. Whatever happens next, we’ve got these irreplaceable pictures and cherished memories. I would argue that if Jessica is going to disappear that these are even more valuable. Besides, if we didn’t get to see Jessica a whole bunch we wouldn’t know that the way Madison hums her way through the house is exactly the way Jessica does it. And I mean exactly. That’s worth it right there.
2. I know there is potential for hurt here. I know that. I have other adoptive parenting friends whose children’s adoptions are less-open than they hoped or than they anticipated and it grieves them. I know that Madison could be deeply hurt someday if Jessica becomes “too busy” for her. Jessica and Madison are going to have to work out their relationship whatever it is and I have very little control over what will happen for them. What I can do is forge connection now to make it easier for them later. And you know, my dad disappointed me deeply as I headed into my teen years. (Check out the archives. Check out the Raggedy Ann entry.) I’m glad my mom didn’t refuse to have a relationship with him when I was three because he was going to hurt me later. He may be an ass but he’s still my dad. Likewise, whatever Jessica might do later, she’s still Madison’s mom.
3. When OnTheFence says, “Also, ’struggling’ in the beginning of parenting to forge relationships with strangers is not what I think is in the best interests of the children.” For Madison, I think that “struggling” at the beginning of parenting was in her best interest because like I said, the photo ops alone are worth it. And I have to disagree with her word “strangers.” I’ve said this before — adoption makes us kin. I’m not saying that means we should have an instantaneous connection with our children’s first parents or with our children’s adoptive parents but I am saying that we’re all stuck with each other, just like we’re stuck with our own families. Good or bad, we’re stuck with our relatives and we all have to figure out how to work things out with them. Sure “work things out” means different things for different people. I don’t mean that every single adoptive triad needs to have their relationship look exactly the same anymore than I think that every other woman ought to roll her eyes at her dad just because I do. After all, we’re all different people. I’m saying that however things fall into place, we all need to make the best of it for the sake of the child between us. For us, struggling to make sense of our open adoption was part of learning to parent Madison just like struggling to figure out how to make Noah’s latch work was part of learning to parent (and breastfeed) him. Were either easy? No. Were they worth it? Yes.
I’ll tell you, I worried about that with the essay. I worried that it would make people say, “See, having that openness got in the way of Dawn and Madison bonding and so openness is probably a bad idea.” But the struggle was so, so worth it because it helped me see how much I had to gain by honoring Jessica’s motherhood. So many of the open adoption narratives I read were very polkadots and moonbeams with these gorgeous entrustment ceremonies and sunny vacations together where no one ever reached for the salt at the same time. Well, no relationship is that easy. Marriage is hard, too, and fifty percent of them end in divorce; does that mean none of us should get married?
OnTheFence may be right that many many perfectly wonderful open adoptions fall apart but I’m going to continue to use LisaV as my role model. No one can say she’s naive (her daughter is a teenager) so I’m sticking with her.
Finally, I just don’t believe that Jessica will disappear. Yes, she might get busier and she might move away and we might see less of her. But disappear? No. You would have to know Jessica to trust that and most of you reading this don’t so you’ll just have to trust me. Lots of relationships wax and wane; why should Madison and Jessica’s be any different? You know, there was a period of about ten years where my mom barely heard from me and now the poor woman probably weeps when she sees my number come up on caller ID because I talk her to death. Maybe Jessica and Madison will see less of eachother, say, while Madison is in her tween years and then really bond when Madison turns 15. Or 21. I don’t know. We’ll just have to see. Meanwhile I am very very grateful for what we have NOW.
March 12th, 2006 at 10:28 am
It’s true. 14 years into open adoption and my feelings have only intensified that this was the right thing and the right way to do adoption. It was right for Noelle, and Bert and I, and most importantly Apple.
As far as the stranger thing, think of a birth family as you would in-laws, would you really think it was too awkward to get know your spouse’s family ? In the span of 20 minutes and “til death do us part” you become family with “strangers” not of your choosing. The same thing happens when a child is placed in your arms, you become family with strangers to you- their family. We navigate similar relationships all the time.
As far as the birth parent leaving… the intenisty of the relationship may change over time. Just like my Dad had more time for my kids once he was retired, but less when he started working again. That is life, people’s relationships evolve, open adoption isn’t any different.
March 12th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
Dawn, Naturally each situation is unique. I do think that your perspective will grow and change over time just like everyone’s. Your adopted daughter will eventually have her own opinions and voice about things, and that will change your adoption from being dialog between you, your dh and her birthparents into dialog between you, your dh, her birthparents and HER, the most important voice in the whole thing. My son’s views on adoption are very different than I would have anticipated when he was little; in some ways shockingly so. It is hard to compare situations like yours to Kim-On the Fence’s situation: her situation involved a birthmom older than Kim who drank enough alcohol to give her child FAE and who purposely withheld medical information when it was needed desperately to make decisions about Kim’s child’s medical needs…he could have lost his life over it. Now that makes it pretty hard to maintain a happy-dappy relationship. Still, I’ve seen Kim try desperately to get some reaction from her son’s birthmother…to get her to open things up more. The birthmother refuses. I have 2 semi-open adoptions, both of which are pretty complicated, but my childrens’ birthmothers are like family to me and I love them a lot. It strikes me that your situation is a very lucky one in that your child’s birthmom does not have drug/alcohol issues, no stablity issues, she is mature and stable, and things are just going very smoothly. I think that’s great. She sounds so stable that it’s puzzling as to why she wouldn’t give parenting a try. Yet she is able to stay in Madison’s life and be similar to a co-parent. I think your story will be an interesting one to follow over the years. This is an off topic curiosity question: at this point, do you feel that your bond with your biological child is different than your bond with your adopted child? That is one of those age old questions that people always wonder about and I’d like to hear your perspective.
March 12th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
I wanted to tell you, Dawn, that I loved your article in Salon. And I agree with everything you say here. Open adoption is a kinship relationship, and it carries all the emotional risk and reward of “normal” relationships.
I’m thrilled that you got into Salon. I’m sure you opened some eyes.
March 12th, 2006 at 7:19 pm
Dawn, By no means do I think you are naive.
I loved the article, I could relate, but I still will keep to my original opinions and comments. I’ve said over and over gain I can’t wait to find out how open adoption fairs over time. And its not that I am against openness in adoption, I think it should be something that gradually comes with time.
I will be the first to say that I hope your relationship is successful. That you don’t hit any pitfalls, that Madison’s birthmother continues onward with the current relationship, and that it all ends up “happy-dappy”.
Just know that there are some of us who have tried to have the most ethical adoptions possible, tried to maintain openness with birthparents, and it didn’t work out. While my feelings can be hurt, and my husband and I angry, the one person hurt most of all in this experience will be “our” son, hers and mine.
Kim
March 13th, 2006 at 4:01 pm
I think that’s a great response. I have to say I agree 100%. Any parenting journey will be fraught with difficult explanations to children you’d rather protect from all hurt. But I think trying to deal with difficulties teaches children that people are worth the trouble of being in relationship; that people and relationships with them are of primary iportance in life, rather than taking an easier way that leaves people in the dust, even psychically.
While our adoption isn’t as open as we’d hoped it would be it is 100% open in the sense of our door ALWAYS being open, forever, to whatever Nat’s birth mother/family is interested in. And Nat will always know as much about her birthmother/family as we can share and as much as her mother is willing to share.
She will undoubtedly grieve what she doesn’t have, but she will know everyone who loves her did their very best to be as good a family as they could. And that is a lesson worth pain. Besides, closed adoptions don’t prevent the pain of loss anyway.
March 13th, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Both I and our son’s first mom felt your article was very powerful and uplifting. Thanks for sharing your story.
March 14th, 2006 at 11:41 am
Thank you so much for that Salon article. I ate it up. I am following all these comments and your further comments and it is giving me so much to think about!
Thank you thank you thank you for the courage and will and gumption to go there and keep going… and write! and publish! YAY!!