Comments on: Open Adoption Roundtable: Success

By: jesspond

jesspond — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 04:40:09 +0000

I love this, and totally agree.

I hate, hate, hate it when people say things like “I forget which one (or “that she/he) is adopted!” or “there’s no difference in a bio child and an adopted child!”

Of COURSE you should remember and of COURSE there is a difference. You should remember because you love their first family. HOW could I forget my daughter’s bio family when I love them and think and talk about them every day? And if I can’t forget about them, how can I forget which one is adopted in my adopted/bio mix? And there’s no reason to forget, it certainly doesn’t mean I love her less, it just IS. It makes no sense to me why you’d even take pride in “forgetting” a child is adopted. How offensive to everyone involved! And of course there is a “difference” in bio and adopted relationships with your children. But for that matter, I bet that bio/bio families have differences in the relationships with their children, too. There’s no harm in it, just like there’s no harm to my pride that my child has more than one person she calls mother since—hey—she has more than one!

By: Dawn

Dawn — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:13:56 +0000

I’m glad you commented ‘cuz I wasn’t sure where I should link and if you wanted links or what!!

By: jennie

jennie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:01:57 +0000

i puzzled over how and when to discuss adoption with my kids. Their first mom isn’t safe but they have varying levels of contact with other first family members. It’s pretty blended and fluid so that we take it for granted that first mom’s sister works for us in our family business or that the walls of the hallway are laden with pictures of all the kids’ family. Yet, there’s a whole lot of first family they don’t see, talk to or even think to discuss and first mom is in that category.

so I just leave it alone. The kids know they can ask me anything, anytime and that I won’t rebuff, recoil or cringe. Sometimes they come to me flat out and start spouting off a million questions in rapid fire and I find myself scrambling to give them adequate answers. And other times they make it quite plain that they do.not.want.to.discuss.it.period.

ultimately, it’s THEIR story, it’s their emotions, it’s their process. I’m just the sounding board and the gateway to safety in being an adopted person in a semi-open relationship with a first mom that is mentally ill.

By: jennie

jennie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 14:55:00 +0000

thank you Dawn. Because I’m the adoptive mom that wants openness but can’t for the safety of the children. I like that by your definition, I’m still OPEN because I allow dialogue, I show them pictures, hell, I’ve got the first family’s enormous family photo hanging on the wall between my husband’s and mine. They’re all HUGE families so it’s funny to see these three 8×10 family photos hung in a row, photos that are burgeoning with so many people they barely fit and my kids are in all three photos! but when I think of our family’s adoption story as compared to others’, I feel so bad that it’s not safe for us to be so open and I feel bad for being honest about it.

By: chanie

chanie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:39:02 +0000

i wonder about this in general, unrelated to the specificity of adoption – when you say ‘openness is an attitude’ – that’s all fine and good, but in general, we have certain values that we want to pass on to our kids – but is attitude enough if it isn’t backed up with concrete actions?
sometimes, that is out of circumstance, or laziness (seeking out opportunities v. sticking with what is ‘easier’) or just because that’s the way life is – we can’t/don’t necessarily actively provide real life examples of all we want for our kids without it feeling forced or artificial.

not sure if this makes any sense, but was wondering about your statement about attitude. i agree, and it is important, but wonder if it is enough.