If there’s one thing we all might agree on, it’s that we’d like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does “success” mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?
I don’t really like the term “successful” when it applies to relationships because it seems kind of — it seems kind of like a salesman talking, you know? I think that relationships are fluid and they are sometimes better and sometimes worse and they change as we grow. But heck, let’s run with it.
I think success means different things for different families. I don’t think it’s a requisite number of visits or phone calls or cards or pictures. I don’t think an open adoption with family BBQs is necessarily more successful than one where there is little to no contact. I think that a “successful” open adoption depends so much on the circumstances of that adoption and that comparisons aren’t very helpful.
I know great moms and dads who have what I would consider open adoptions even though they don’t have open adoptions. I look at Granola Susan and her family — their daughter was adopted internationally. They don’t have an open adoption in the traditional sense but they are open to their daughter’s origins in the same way that I am open to Madison’s; their reality is just different. Likewise with Malinda and Margie. Or I look at parents who have adopted their children either through foster care or in circumstances that are similar to foster care and whose children cannot have contact with their first families for safety reasons but who still honor their kids’ connections in a myriad of ways and I see those adoptions as successful open adoptions.
You see, what I would call “successful” are adoptive parents who make their parenting decisions from a place of respect and love for their children’s realities. They don’t try to pretend that adoption is just like giving birth. They don’t try to pretend like their children don’t have histories. They don’t try to pretend that their children don’t care (or make the excuse that it doesn’t matter because their kids never bring it up anyway). They struggle to make good decisions even when they are hard decisions (whether that means to schedule a visit or suspend contact). They don’t look for the easy way out or the short cuts. They don’t try to compete with their kids’ first families and they don’t try to control their kids’ feelings.
I learn a lot from adoptive parents who are not in adoptions that look like ours because in many, many ways, openness is an attitude, you know?
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This is wonderful, Dawn! We always wanted a fully open adoption and envisioned a relationship like you have with Pennie. However, our son’s first mom didn’t want any contact. Slowly, we’ve evolved from that to our current situation, where we speak on the phone and exchange photos and letters and are hoping for an in-person meeting. Even though it isn’t “open” the way we imagined, we’ve worked hard to have an attitude of openness for our son.
I love hearing this from someone who does have a more stereotypical “open adoption” than I can really hope for, because I do now agree that it’s the attitude of openness and honesty that has an impact. This might sound cheesy, but I really do think there’s nothing I could do for an open adoption that would be more “success” than the hours I spent late at night listening kindly and non-judgmentally to Rowan talk about his abuse at the hands of his (previous adoptive) parents, placing his story in a context of how other people I know (including myself) have dealt with abuse without trying to force any interpretation on him. To me, it means that kind of wholehearted acceptance of the past and the future. It’s always sort of affirming to hear from someone else who seems to agree.
I really appreciate this. We don’t have an “open adoption” like others I see, and I do envy the first mom relationship. My oldest was adopted from fostercare and the social workers forbid any further contact for security (and with good reason), and my other son’s parents are deceased. But I like how you’ve broadened the narrative and would like to think that we are very “open” in that sense. We talk of birthmoms frequently and honor them in every way we can. Their adoption is an “open book” in our house, even though the contact is not there.
Oooh, I like this. I sort of got caught up in a grim, laundry list mentality, but I think you paint a really elegant picture of successful OA parenting here.
That’s a great definition! Thanks for sharing.
I like that you include adoptions without ongoing contact. As part of an adoption that isn’t closed, but where openness is about ideas and information rather than contact, I find the hard part to be navigating the space between the fact that my son so rarely brings it up or seems willing to go down the conversational path about his adoption once put upon it, and not wanting to control his feelings about it. At what point will my introducing it as a topic reach the tipping point of not letting him set the tone for how and when he wants to talk about it?
To some extent, I feel that if I am repeatedly bringing it up when he’s not, that’s communicating to him that I think he should be handling it a certain way, or that I need him to handle it a certain way–show mommy you’re okay with this by talking about it with her… on the other hand, does waiting for him to bring it up fall into the camp of pretending it didn’t happen?
In a way it feels to me like the topic of sex ed with my older kids. Yes, I want to make sure they have lots of information, whether they bring up the topic or not–I’m certainly not going to sit around and wait for them to ask. I want to make sure the ideas I’m communicating to them about it are healthy and supportive of wherever they are, and I want to counter the information society gives them that runs contrary to that. But if I bring it up time and again when they are not introducing the subject themselves, in daily conversation, at what point does that veer away from being openness and become harping, or get interpreted as me obsessively dealing with my own issues?
I don’t know. I’ve read some birth moms in open adoption say it would be easier to have clear guidelines for visits, updates, etc. Likewise, I wish my son would hand me a program I could follow.
i puzzled over how and when to discuss adoption with my kids. Their first mom isn’t safe but they have varying levels of contact with other first family members. It’s pretty blended and fluid so that we take it for granted that first mom’s sister works for us in our family business or that the walls of the hallway are laden with pictures of all the kids’ family. Yet, there’s a whole lot of first family they don’t see, talk to or even think to discuss and first mom is in that category.
so I just leave it alone. The kids know they can ask me anything, anytime and that I won’t rebuff, recoil or cringe. Sometimes they come to me flat out and start spouting off a million questions in rapid fire and I find myself scrambling to give them adequate answers. And other times they make it quite plain that they do.not.want.to.discuss.it.period.
ultimately, it’s THEIR story, it’s their emotions, it’s their process. I’m just the sounding board and the gateway to safety in being an adopted person in a semi-open relationship with a first mom that is mentally ill.
i wonder about this in general, unrelated to the specificity of adoption – when you say ‘openness is an attitude’ – that’s all fine and good, but in general, we have certain values that we want to pass on to our kids – but is attitude enough if it isn’t backed up with concrete actions?
sometimes, that is out of circumstance, or laziness (seeking out opportunities v. sticking with what is ‘easier’) or just because that’s the way life is – we can’t/don’t necessarily actively provide real life examples of all we want for our kids without it feeling forced or artificial.
not sure if this makes any sense, but was wondering about your statement about attitude. i agree, and it is important, but wonder if it is enough.
thank you Dawn. Because I’m the adoptive mom that wants openness but can’t for the safety of the children. I like that by your definition, I’m still OPEN because I allow dialogue, I show them pictures, hell, I’ve got the first family’s enormous family photo hanging on the wall between my husband’s and mine. They’re all HUGE families so it’s funny to see these three 8×10 family photos hung in a row, photos that are burgeoning with so many people they barely fit and my kids are in all three photos! but when I think of our family’s adoption story as compared to others’, I feel so bad that it’s not safe for us to be so open and I feel bad for being honest about it.
I’m glad you commented ‘cuz I wasn’t sure where I should link and if you wanted links or what!!
I love this, and totally agree.
I hate, hate, hate it when people say things like “I forget which one (or “that she/he) is adopted!” or “there’s no difference in a bio child and an adopted child!”
Of COURSE you should remember and of COURSE there is a difference. You should remember because you love their first family. HOW could I forget my daughter’s bio family when I love them and think and talk about them every day? And if I can’t forget about them, how can I forget which one is adopted in my adopted/bio mix? And there’s no reason to forget, it certainly doesn’t mean I love her less, it just IS. It makes no sense to me why you’d even take pride in “forgetting” a child is adopted. How offensive to everyone involved! And of course there is a “difference” in bio and adopted relationships with your children. But for that matter, I bet that bio/bio families have differences in the relationships with their children, too. There’s no harm in it, just like there’s no harm to my pride that my child has more than one person she calls mother since—hey—she has more than one!