I hadn’t seen “Find My Family” (you know, the new ABC reality show that facilitates adoption reunion for the entertainment of the masses) for a couple of reasons. First, I don’t have a ton of time to watch television (I watch the NBC line up Thursday and I also fast-forward through Glee for Sue and the musical numbers and then back when Mad Men was running, I’d catch it on alluc.org sometime during the week on my lunchbreak). Second, I don’t like reality TV AT ALL. So I’ve never seen any of the adoption-related reality television like Adoption Stories or The Locator.
But this show is really making the rounds of the adoption blogs and enough people have asked me about it that I thought I should have an opinion so I figured I ought to take a look.
My first reaction? Yeah, this is why I don’t like reality TV. I don’t like watching people fall apart in front of the cameras. And even though the people who sign onto the show are grown-ups, I don’t think it’s the same thing as, say, the idiots who join Big Brother because they want their 15 minutes since I’ve heard several adoptees/first parents say they would do anything to find their families including sign on to a cheesy reality show and get their personal lives broadcast to all and sundry. BUT! I’m not the boss of television and so it’s not my call.
My second reaction, as I watched everyone cry is that this sure shows the brutal truth of adoption, eh? It’s the counterpoint to Juno. Little does Juno know that in twenty years she could be standing underneath that stupid family tree (they make the families hike up to a tree on a hill to reunite) shaking in her boots and wondering if her child will forgive her.
It made me think about how the world looks at adoption though. They love the heartwarming beginning stories where a baby makes a couple a family and they love the idea that birth parents just move on with their lives but then they love the other end of the story with reunions.
I think we are a little schizophrenic about adoption, which must make it even more fun to be an adopted person trying to figure all of this out.
I’ve heard a few (a blessed very few) comments that the adoptive parents should have been included more in the show but the way I see it, the show is about the relationship between the adopted person and his/her birth parents and it’s appropriate not to include the adoptive parents. I mean, sure, include them if they seem like an important piece (like if they helped search or hindered search or whatever) but the story is about reunion and reunion is one piece of adoption where we adoptive parents are spectators at best (and encouragers). At worst, we are hindrances like when we guilt our kids about searching.
(I’m not linking this blog because I already left a comment and there’s no need to get people to jump on this woman but one adoptive parent talking about the show said explicitly that if her children grow up wanting to search, she knows she will have failed.)
The good of the show, I think, is that we do need a counterpoint to those “Adoption Makes Families” stories. Someone told me she was worried that the show might scare people away from adoption to which I say, “Good.” If you can’t handle the fact that your kid has a whole ‘nother family that has nothing to do with you then you shouldn’t adopt.
The other thing I’d like to see is more info about why it’s so hard to search. When I wrote that essay for Salon, the editor was asking about a line that said, “Madison’s post-adoption birth certificate even listed me as the woman who gave birth to her.” The editor said, “Is that even legal?!?” Which is why we added the “Per United States law” at the front of it. People don’t know how adoption works and I think more people would be outraged by the birth certificate laws if they only knew. (At least I hope they would be.)
I won’t be watching “Find My Family” because reality television will never be my genre of choice but I do hope that it opens some minds out there and gives those adopted people and first parents who want to search the impetus to do so. I also hope that the participants have some support post-reunion ‘cuz as any reunited person will tell you, it doesn’t get easier after the cameras stop rolling and there’s a whole new complicated and emotionally-heavy relationship to manage.
People like me, who don’t speak to some family members due to danger, really wouldn’t think it was so fun.
exactly (i replied to this post with a similar point) My kids first mom is mentally and emotionally unstable. They are also impaired (DNA, so much fun) We have a strong connection with the extended family but visits with first mom are very challenging because of her impairments. All the children have different paternity and I know at least one of the first dads is incarcerated. As the adoptive mom, disallowing visits with first mom for the time being is for the safety and protection of the equally impaired children. The extended family is a little annoyed with my decision. (we just had a round-robin discussion about visits with first mom this past week. the children haven’t seen her in four years but she hasn’t improved or gotten any help in that time – she is still a threat to herself and others)
Like your piece. I am an adoptee and adoption rights activist (at least, i am active in my own brain, but sometimes I write about adoption). It is refreshing to read a piece by an adoptive parent that shows you really understand that it’s not about you as a parent; search is about an adoptee’s need to figure out who s/he is.
And yes, the laws surrounding adoption are completely insane, and inhumane. They must be changed.
Thank you for being such a refreshing voice of reason.
I found both my birthparents (a miracle, and a very long story), but my husband–also adopted–wants to be on this TV show! His adoptive mother acts supportive of search, but we believe she has lied to us about his b-parents, or at least not told us everything she knows.
I have not seen “Find my Family” because I don’t think I can deal. But I sincerely hope more adoptees (and birthparents) DO find their long-lost relations and find peace in their lives.
Not knowing is a terrible pain and very hard to live with.
I am an adoptee and I don’t agree with your comment at all. I am happy with my adoptive family, and, let’s be clear, THEY are my family. Blood is not the most important thing all the time. I am grateful to my birth mother for giving me up, but that chapter is closed in both our lives. My family took care of me, came to my soccer games, and cheered at my college graduation. Acting like you’ll only be “whole” once you track down these strangers with whom you only share biology only reinforces the stupid belief that families can’t bond with adopted children. That I am just marking time with my “temporary” family until I can go find my “real” family. I realize that’s important for some, but to generalize that all adoptees aren’t whole until they find their biological families does a huge disservice to adoptive families.
As an adoptee, if you don’t feel the deep need to “find,” then good for you. I am glad you feel whole the way you are.
Many adoptees don’t.
I don’t want to see adoptees who may be (this is my opinion) defensive or delusional blocking possible reunions for other adoptees who have a serious, psychological need to know their origins.
When I found, I found that my b-mom is a little messed up. It was not wine and roses. But I remain convinced that meeting her was the turning point in my life.
Before I knew my b-mom’s name, before I saw her face, there was a hole in my heart. After I met her, I was much more at peace with myself.
That doesn’t make her my MOTHER. She did not mother me in any way.
But knowing her was essential to my sense of self.
I hope that adoptees don’t deny themselves peace and closure because they fear offening adoptive parents.
It’s not about who raised you; it’s about who made you (genetically) who you are. That’s just as important as the nurturing, on a certain level, and it can make all the difference just to know.
I haven’t watched it either. But, when I saw ads for it I thought “One more reason to open the records, put shows like this out of business.”
Hey, I’ve witnessed reunion. I helped facilitate one. I was the only other person in the room and I felt like I didn’t belong. Why must we exploit every human emotion for voyeurism and commercial gain?
And really, once the kid is an adult, the adoptive parent needs to get out of the way of a relationship with the first family. The child should no longer have to have a mediator in any way. I don’t know why adoptees are the only adults that it’s okay to infantilize .
I love the analogy of Juno standing on the hill.
Dawn,
I haven’t seen the show, but I agreed with a lot of your thoughts about the issue.
The older my kids get, the more I see how critical their birth families are to them. Recently, my 6th grade daughter was asked what was the most important thing she’s done in her life so far (we were playing a game). She wrote that it was meeting her birth father in person.
We are planning visits with both birth families after Christmas. This will be our second visit with the families this year.
Your comment about the birth certificates made me glad that I ordered the original birth certificates for both kids before the state of CA reissued them in my and my husband’s names. I’m not sure why I thought it was important at the time, but I think I was aware even as a newbie adoptive parent how “fake” the second certificates are–and that it was undignified to try and pass of the reissued certificates as the only correct ones.
Thanks for bringing up another adoption issue for me to consider more carefully.
Alison
re: birth certificates.
MAN! I wish I had done what you did! Stupid birth certificates. hate them. I showed them to a family member one time and they were equally appalled that the post-adoption certificates make no mention of first family
I have been helplessly watching and blogging about pretty much every episode. Another friend and I refer to it as Adoptee Crack. (heh)
BRILLIANT reference to Juno – yeah, I can just see her and the guitar-strumming dude climbing that hill, right?
How incredibly wonderful that Madison (and Pennie) will never, ever, ever have to consider doing anything as remotely insane as this because it won’t be necessary.
I do hope it will expose some of the mega insanity of the adoption industry and its policies.
And I do agree that exposing people like this is really unfortunate. But at the same time I do think that it will open peoples’ eyes to things they were not aware of.
And yes, we ARE totally schizophrenic when it comes to looking at adoption.
my question: will they only be showing the stories that end well? Because what if the birthparent is mentally ill and being reunited makes it HARDER for the adoptee to see that their first mom and/or first family are severely impaired (maybe even imprisoned) persons? Of course, you know why I ask this question…
I don’t know ‘cuz I’m never gonna watch it again but I bet not. Their goal isn’t to illuminate people on the complexities of adoption; it’s to create a feel good half hour that they can sell advertising for. Remember the folks making it are the same people who make Extreme Homemakeover and I’ve yet to see them address the families who can’t keep up with the costs of their new “gifted” homes as reported in various news outlets. (sigh)
UGH! HATE EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER!!!!!
stupid stupidheads. stupid touchy-feely reality TV
ugh.
i’m now incensed. thanks. LOL
I saw a few episodes of the Australian version where there were times when the birth parents had died but the show continued by reuniting them with siblings, extended family or with foster parents who had cared for them at some time. A few times people spoke about how hard it was going to be following the reunion, to try to get to know one another when there was so much space and time between them. I thought that was good, but really didn’t go far enough in explaining that this wasn’t happily ever after.
I stopped watching after an episode where two brothers were reunited and were clearly very uncomfortable and having a hard time being (what looked like) forced to hug in front of the cameras. It just looked so wrong. I really wished they’d showed them some respect and ended that episode differently.
Jumping on the bandwagon here, but I really loved that image of Juno. This is a great piece, and very timely for me–I’ve been reading a lot of people telling me that “My adopted friends don’t want to search because they aren’t messed up!” [facepalm]
I can’t even put into clear words my opinions on this show.
I had sworn it off myself, wasn’t going to watch it just as I refuse to watch the Locator but O Solo Mama had a post about some of the backlash from adoptive parents about the show and as I was typing a response, I realized, to give a true and insightful answer, I really should at least watch the show first.
That was half an hour before the pilot show aired and I have seen every show since. I can’t explain why, especially since I find myself falling apart in tears during every episode.
I think, for me as a First Mom, part is because here is a show, in the media, in our society, that I can actually relate with and say, yes I believe that, yes I relate to that. In some ways, though there is obcious shows of cheesiness and exploiting for profits sake, it’s the first time I have ever relaly been able to watch a show and see some truth that relates to my own journey instead of contstantly being bombarded by the “happy, happy, joy, joy” that I usually come across.
It’s the only reality show I have ever, and probably ever will watch. But I know I will continue on watching for as long as I can because something in it does draw me back to the television once a week for another look into this side of adoption that I understand and know so well.
Well, I’m glad I came to check on this post after I tweeted that. Because in my case, as in the case of many of the adoptees I know from my generation, the dangerous people are our adoptive parents.
I know many adult adoptees who have stopped talking to their adoptive parents. After all the abuse, it’s just not safe. In my case, they have no idea my children even exist. I am terrified they will track me down and attempt to harm my kids using some sort of asinine grandparent’s rights clause.
And because the adoption can never be undone, I am fated to be legally adopted to these horrific monsters until the day they die.
This show apparently thinks it will be funny and a great surprise to reunite all sorts of estranged family members, of all types, not just adoptees and birth families.
I’m waiting for the first lawsuit from it–and hoping it isn’t me. ABC must be staffed by idiots.
God did I groan when I saw the commercial for this show. I knew my issue with the show before I even saw an episode.
Not everybody cries.
My birth mom and I actually laughed when we met. It was funny, weird and shocking. Apparently it’s genetic that I’m not the weepy type.
There was much laughing in the second episode when one adoptee met her brother and sister. Some tears, yes, but her personality was one of laughter.
haven’t seen this whow, but re glee-
if you are fastforwarding through to sue and the muscial numbers, i’m not sure you realize this, but there were some pretty heavy adoption pressure issues between quinn and terri – quinn being the pregnant teen, and terri being the wife faking the pregnancy to keep her husband. seems resolved for now, but there are a few scenes that were pretty intense in that way. (you can email me for more details – dont ned to take over your comment section with a recap of the whole story line, especially if you’ve already seen it)
Chanie, that’s actually one reason I fast forward through it. Partly it’s because I don’t think the show has lived up to its promise (I’m pretty disappointed in that) and partly because I’m watching with the kids and the adult stuff would go over Madison’s head but the adoption stuff wouldn’t and it would be terrible for her.
Still have not watched it, it sounds cheesy and annoying and I hate reality TV. Because it is in no sense “real”. Everything is manipulated for certain effects, be it tears, fights, smiles. Why are there so many of these shows? Because they are cheap and easy to produce, no actors to pay, no writers, just skillful manipulators and lots of overblown emotionalism. Cheap thrills.
I would rather watch an honest fictional drama or a real documentary, on any subject, including adoption.
Rebecca, my son and I laughed when we met too, his wife as well. We also have the same sense of humour:-) We had no “family tree” (ugh) but a big Disney technicolor rainbow was in the sky! So corny it cracked us up. I was waiting for the cartoon birdies and woodland creatures dancing around.
I hadn’t heard of this show until today, and I’m conflicted. I love what you said about “If you can’t handle the fact that your kid has a whole ‘nother family that has nothing to do with you then you shouldn’t adopt.”
This is so profound.
I didn’t understand how birth certificates were done until we finalized, and I was appalled. APPALLED. We actually have 3 birth certificates for our child, the original, the first one with my name spelled incorrectly, and the final.
I think the laws have got to be changed in so many areas of adoption, but the first one should be an ‘amended’ stamp or something on any changed birth certificate.
The other writer should be happy to know that the beginning of episode 3 addressed her terminology woes.
I can’t get this show where I live, besides, I don’t have cable.
I loved what you said about adopting and the fact that an adopted child will always have two families.
I googled this show and watched a two minute preview a while ago.
I don’t like watching people cry for entertainment. To me it feels like watching someone get sick, who wants to see that. Ya know, as much as I want people to find a way to meet relatives that have been separated from each other. A big part of me always wonders why so much work was put into separating blood related family members at all!!
So many times I have read about reunions of separated family members who were not that far away from each other to begin with!! I think that is just something I will never get over, how cruel human beings can be to even cause such distress, never mind that they try to ‘resolve’ it…
The adoptive mom refused to sign the necessary legal papers in order for my daughter to get access to the information that could have led her to me. Instead we finally both registered at the ISRR and Adoption.com and ALMA and that’s how we reconnected. The adoptive mom insisted that I never wanted her and I was a drug addict (both not true) Why are the adoptive parents threatened by the birth family, specifically the birth moother? Yes, they paid for their child, and raised them, but it doesn’t give them ownership or the right to deny heritage. The show is a little over the top, b ut it is shedding light on the darker side of adoption. Catholic servics told me that I would have contact with my daughter once a year. Never happened and that’s so wrong to lie just to be able to say they were the good guys and found her a home with loving parents. Thank GOD both of us are living in the present and are mature enough to get past the pain and grief and enjoy each other now as friends. Forgiveness is the only way to start from now.
I managed to find two episodes online, so I downloaded them. Oh my, it is every bit as offensive and exploitative as I thought it would be – and for that part of me which is still mourning the lost connection to my niece it’s like crack. I wanted to watch more and more and more. Good thing I couldn’t find more episodes online …