Madison was hating me like crazy yesterday. She had three full fits and in every single one she hated me.
“I hate you! I hate mama!” she railed. “I’m going to live with Pennie!”
By the end of the day, I was sick of hearing it.
“Madison!” I hollered back. “I am tired of hearing how much you hate me! Enough already!”
“But you said I could hate you!”
“I know but how many times have you said it today?”
She thought for a minute then said sheepishly, “Thousands.”
It’s true that just the other day I told her she could hate me. I was thinking on something Malinda wrote about permanence and ambivalence and about our kids needing to know that their realities are firmer than their fantasies. It can seem confusing that Madison both yearns to live with Pennie and is also afraid of leaving us and that reassuring her that she will not leave us lets her be free in her yearning. So the other day when Madison seemed especially clinging and (I realized not coincidentally) especially missing Pennie I told her that she would always live with us because that’s what the grown-ups (Pennie, Brett and I) decided and that she would live with us until she was a grownup herself and decided to leave.
“And maybe even forever if I don’t want to leave?” she said, cuddling into me and I said of course.
I told her, “Even when you are really really really angry with me, even if you hate me, even if you say, ‘I hate you! I’m going to live with Pennie!’ Even then, you still live here.”
Then we decided Madison could try that out and the way she did will show you her worries about this. She said, “I hate you! I’m leaving!” then very small (hiding her head in my arms) “I’m going to live with Pennie!” And I said, “Nope, you live here.” And she laughed and hugged me hard.
I guess she really wanted to test me in the real world yesterday since she hated on me pretty much all day and (for the most part) pretty cheerfully. Except towards the end when she was sent to her room to pick up and then she was well and truly done with me.
As she screamed on the other side of the wall I sat in Noah’s room listening to him detail his decorating plans. (He’s planning a whole room do-over inspired by Madison’s.)
“You know, I used to imagine you weren’t my real mom,” he told me. “I used to imagine that my real mom was a fairy godmother who was nice.”
I know how it is. I used to imagine that I had an electric grandmother.
This morning I asked Madison if she imagined that if she lived with Pennie that she’d never have to clean her room and would never get in trouble. She said yes, that’s pretty much how she pictured it. I told her that parents are parents and that if Pennie was parenting her she’d still have things to do. It’s this hard balance of wanting to help her have her fantasies (she has a lot about her birth dad) but also help her understand that they are fantasies — especially about her birth dad.
It would be very easy for her to fixate on her adoption as the source of all of her worries and it’s hard finding the balance between acknowledging the very real, very big issues that are due to her adoption and also asking her to recognize the issues that aren’t due to her adoption. I worry about being dismissive but I also don’t want her to assume that any time she’s frustrated or unhappy that it’s all because she’s adopted. Because I can tell you right now that if she was living with Pennie, she’d still have to pick up her room.
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Ah, yes. My “real” mom was actually Princess Diana. In my story, she gave me to my parents because she couldn’t have a baby and still marry the Prince. Prince NotSoHandsome was not my “real” father, of course, as he is not attractive at all. I don’t think I ever imagined a fake-real father. Just a mother. For when my own mother was mean.
And then karma came back around and bit me in the doopa on that one, didn’t it? Whoops.
I am glad that you wrote about this because I’ve been wondering how you address this issue with Madison. I also wondered if you’ve ever considered a time when Madison is older (like in her teenage years)and she might express wanting to live with Pennie – for reasons that don’t include not wanting to clean her room. Is this something that you’ve considered?
Socialwrkr, yes that would totally be on the table if all parties felt like it’d be a good thing. It’s hard to even imagine considering she’s just now spending the night in her own room (and not climbing in with us!) but likewise if either kid wanted to stay with grandparents for a summer or something, I could see that happening. It’s definitely on our list of things we’re open to discussing.
Awesome response – thanks for putting it in the context of it being the same as any other relative. It really helps me to keep things in perspective!
I love this post. Love it.
Yep, the ‘other’ parent (weather a birth parent or simply a mind construct) is always better.
We had an experience that is roughly similar, but still obviously very different. When our niece/nephews would visit, they we were fun aunt and uncle and let lots of thing go.. junk food, up late, having fun. But, they sometimes would say they want to live with us; I have to remind them visiting us is very different than being parented (we were there guardians for most of a year once). I explain if we were acting as parents, you have chores, you have bed times, limited computer time, etc. Kids are too funny.
Sounds like you handled it very well; better than a lot of parents hearing such declarations
Oh this is all so familiar. My son (who I adopted from foster care when he was 10) holds on to these rose-colored glasses visions of what it would be like to live with different people from his past. He tends to either vilify people from his past or put them on a pedestal of perfection. I’m hoping that, in time, he can find some balance and remember people in a more honest way.
Yeah we’ve discussed shared parenting. My daughter has asked to live with me on many occasions. Sometimes it was as silly as “I want to live with you because you give me treats!” Lol.
But as she’s gotten older she’s gotten more eloquent and in fact makes sense. At five she said to me, “But I wish you had kept me, you don’t need to have money or a husband or a house to be a good mom.”
She’s in fact, quite right. I should have kept her. I consider the situation the same as if a father who lost custody at birth wanted to regain whatever visitation and custody were possible.
And I think that is ideal. The lack of a break up I think makes it even more possible for the adults in the situation to acknowledge each others parenthood and share the love with the child in the best way for the child.
It’s really the same as divorced parents to me. Would it make any sense to move in with dad because you don’t want to clean your room? Nope. But is it legitmate to want to live your dad for some percentage of the time? Yep.
Will kids find out there are rules in all households? Yeah. If there are going to be shared parenting duties, it’s ideal to try to create some shared rules and wherever possible even though there will inevitably be some differences. Example, one hour of TV at your moms house? Ok, same here. Weekends you can have 4.
Anyways, I sure that will be a ways for you before that kind of shared parenting might go on, or be thought about…
but I think honestly it’s just fine for kids, so long as they know this:
NO parent ever stops being a parent. Once someone is your parent, they simply are and that is that. They should also feel that their feelings are being heard, cared about and influence the situation while also knowing that whatever whimsical feelings they have from hour to hour will NOT determine the ultimate decision the parents make.
I think there can be comfort in knowing that you are not the only person to feel a certain way, even if your situation is unique in some respects. It’s less lonely to know that the majority of kids imagine a “better” life/parent(s)/house/barn w/horse, etc.
Madison’s unique spin on the situation is that she has someone to insert into the story.
My outloud (sarcastic) response to the last line of your post was, “What? You mean Pennie isn’t Auntie Mame?”
I like your awesomeness
Damn skippy!! She’d have to clean her room and make her bed and do her laundry and paint my toenails and vacume and make me pb&j sandwiches with the crusts cut off and clean the dishes since I dont have a dishwasher anymore and I’d always make her clothes match and I’d follow behind her all day speaking in a raspy voice saying “you gonna pick that up, you gonna pick that up, you gonna pick that up.”
Pennie, I told her this last night (that you’d make her clean, too) and she is annoyed with both of us. She said, “Then I will live with somebody who is RICH!” I think because she assumes they will have servants. Ha!
LOL. My daughter actually has someone that picks up her room (our cleaning lady is v well-intentioned) but hates it, because the cleaning lady puts everything “in the wrong place.” Lego sets that belong together get separated, doll house occupants put into different boxes …. it is a tough life, I tell you.
You amaze me.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
OK, now I officially love Pennie too!
This is a GREAT post, Dawn.
My four year old has started a similar refrain when he is mad at me. “Someday you won’t be my mother any more” or “I’m going to live with my other mother” or “Someday you won’t be a part of my family”.
Some of it is his dealing with adoption and knowing that he has a first mom and me. Some of it is related to his struggle with our continuing to do foster care. We had a baby last year for seven months who returned home and now have a one year old girl who has been with us for five months so far. So his concept of “family” isn’t static. Brothers and sisters come and go – why not moms and dads.
We are doing a lot of hugs and reassuring whenever he gets mad and starts with his fantasy living somewhere else comments. It is hard to explain to a four year old that, although some children do come and go – you are staying forever.
Thanks for the post.
Man, I had not thought about The Electric Grandmother in years!
She’s gonna go places, your girl. Seriously.