1. Got heads up on a project to try out for that has me kind of excited. I like the start of things — the research and planning and learning something new. I love it!
2. I wrote a guest post on the Bitch blog on (surprise!) adoption and it got hit by a troll. It’s true that there are a few (very few in my experience) women who do not grieve the loss of their children to adoption but I don’t think we should create policy based on people who AREN’T hurt. To me, that’s a little bit like not putting seat belts in cars because most people don’t crash.
3. Also? I don’t like it when people think that adoption criticism automatically means anti-adoption. I’m not anti-adoption; I’m anti-adoption industry. (And when I say industry here, I don’t mean the ethical professionals who do their best to serve women, children and adult adopted people well — I’m talking about the industry that’s about making money.)
4. It makes me realize how deeply ingrained our stereotypes are though, whenever I talk to people about adoption who aren’t in adoption-land like us blog people. There are all these assumptions about birth parents and adoptive parents (birth parents are automatically incapable of parenting, adoptive parents are automatically worthy) that run so deep. I can remember having those assumptions up-ended for myself and the cold water shock of realizing that I had never really thought critically — not truly — about adoption. Sure, I knew exceptions but my assumptions were all based on stereotypes.
5. I bought advent calendars last night and this is the course of Madison’s conversations now: “Do they all have the same amount of candy? Does one have more? They have 24 pieces? They both do? 24? There are 24 pieces? And they have the same? Can I eat one now? Why not? When is December 1st? And then we each get the same pieces? But it’s hard to wait! It’s very hard to wait when you’re five! Does Noah have more candy or does mine? Did you put the calendars up high? Why? Can I see one? Can I have one? But it’s hard to wait!” Seriously. I don’t know if I can make it ’til Christmas. I may sit her down and eat all 48 pieces in front of her as punishment for driving me insane. Ok, I won’t because that would be mean but I might contemplate doing it.
6. You know what’s harder than waiting for something when you’re five? Listening to a five-year old wait for something when you’re almost 40. I know whereof I speak.
7. My grad school application is officially in progress. I’m missing one reference letter and just wrote a follow-up. I can see this on the OSU site — it’s wandering through the process. After Thanksgiving I’m going to apply for my back-up school.
8. I figured out my OSU GPA with my PSU GPA. My OSU one was not so hot and my PSU one was white-hot. I was worried that I would end up with a sucky cumulative but actually it’s not bad. In fact, it’s good. This despite a D in French and an F in Russian. Look at how I can’t brag on myself without reassuring you that I am still an idiot! Yeah, it’s fun to be in my brain! (Dawn’s brain: Dawn you ROCK! But not comparatively so don’t go getting a big head about it!)
Great post on Bitch. We need more of these writings so people can examine their preconceived notions about adoption.
WOW Dawn I am so loving you right now. I have refrained from responding to sara, however I’ve been following the conversation closely. I do think it does seem that she has a personality disorder. She upsets both the adoptee and biological parent in me. I can’t imagine not caring about your child and I can’t imagine your biological parent not caring about you. So many people face this. I know a lot of adoptees who were met with biological parents like the troll poster or worse. It seems to have been a really devastating experience for them. It’s possible adoption trauma had a role in creating the disorder for this woman, or she could have been suffering already. The thing is, these actually ARE the kinds of people that I would advocate for placing. But that is so sad. Then how do you tell the kids that? That their biomom really didn’t care about them?
I don’t think it’s the NORM, but it probably happens a lot more than we would like to think.
GAH. Must get an Advent calendar. I keep forgetting. GAH!
Imagine the trolling if a birth parent had written it. Muahaha. But, really, you forget that there are still pre-conceived notions and streotypes floating around IN adoption land. How many times have I been trolled for mentioning the positives of certain issues simply because I wasn’t “anti-adoption” enough. Dawn, you’re never going to fit in totally. Join me on the Island of Misfit Adoption People.
Also, BB says, “Waiting is haaaaaaard,” in his WHINIEST voice ever. It is but, dude, it’s harder if you whine at me.
Giggling about the advent calendar. I plan to have candy-less calendars until some evil person introduces them to Lil because I’m a mean mom and hear enough whining already.
Rachel, we got by on Playmobil calendars for a good while. They are WONDERFUL and for what you get, not even that expensive (especially on ebay). But too expensive with too kids plus which how many Playmobil Santas does one family need??? Still — love those.
Yes, there really are mothers who do not want their kids like Sara on Bitch, and they certainly should give them up. Sad for the adoptees when they find someone like that though. No, “adoption trauma” did not make her that way either. Personality disorder sounds more like it.
Surrendering mothers, like adoptive mothers, come in all kinds, good bad and very ugly.
I too would like to join the “Island of Misfit Adoption People” because I do not tow the anti-adoption party line, or the “all is roses” one either. I do not feel all birthmothers are my instant “sisters” or that all our stories need to be the same and fit some politically correct template. That my own adoption experience was lousy says nothing about anyone but me. We all should be able to tell our own stories our own way.
Advent Calendar? I thought your family was Jewish, or are you a mixed marriage like mine? I am Catholic (more or less) and my husband is a Jewish atheist who dislikes religion in all its forms but considers himself ethnically Jewish. My grown kids, including surrendered son, are all agnostics but everyone likes holidays:-)
I’m Jewish by choice (converted at 31) although my dad is Jewish so I grew up *thinking* I was Jewish but found out I wasn’t even by Reform standards when I was an adult. So I read up on it, studied some and converted. Brett is a Christian. No one in our families practices much of anything but there is a range of believers and non-believers of all stripes.
[...] been avoiding the drama that Dawn has been enduring, so graciously, due to a great post that she wrote. I’ve been avoiding it because this is the [...]
Loved the Bitch post–found it by accident before you mentioned it here, just reading Bitch online. Way to keep fighting the good fight!
I’m with you on #6. Sometimes I want to tell my 2-year-old, Trust me, it’s not that exciting. But he just doesn’t get it. Soon, my love, you will be jaded like me…
I thought the troll you mentioned was Lauren and I was about to come and ask you why she qualified as a troll. THEN I saw “sara”. Whether she’s for real or not she’s (IF she’s actually a she and not a he pretending to be a she) certainly… wacky might not be the word… certainly SOMETHING.
WHOA! I read your post, which is truly great (I wish I had time to go check all the links) and then I looked at the comment thread. Wow… Like Artemis before me, I thought that Lauren was the troll, but then realized that she was mostly civilly and rationally disagreeing and arguing. She even has a really long blog post responding to yours… and then I saw “sara” — wow. And isn’t it incredible how other commenters’ visceral reactions to trolls make them almost trolls themselves? Trolling comments withing trolling comments… blah.
Wow…
I’m sure I’d have lots to say about the other items (which I read yesterday, BTW), but this will have to be it for now!
Evil Mommy Response Regarding Number 5:
“Madison honey, go fix mommy a drink, OK? A really, really big drink.”
YAY for getting the grad apps. done! I am proud of you for pushing through that horrible process. I have been catching up on my blog reading since it’s a holiday. I hear you on the struggles. I am having a real hard time myself these days. Your words have really hit home so thanks.