Wavybrains said:
I also walk around wondering how “everyone else” manages to cook from scratch, wrangle toddlers, get writing time, get family time, and work on top of it. What’s funny is that I had you squarely in the “Everyone else” category–I’m always amazed at everything you manage to get done and everything you do with the kids.
Hahahahahahahaha! I really would never lie to you although circumstances dictate that sometimes I might fib by omission. But I never meant to pretend that things were awesome. I guess all those buck myself up entries came out too literal and there were glistening moments of awesomeness — just enough to keep me trucking on.
Here’s the truth to how I get everything done: I give stuff up. Like I get into a regular exercise routine but it’s the first thing to fall by the wayside when anything unexpected happens. And I don’t eat right. I scrounge left-overs off the kids plates and my good intentioned bagged salads go soggy and rotten in the crisper. I don’t get enough sleep and because I am not one of those people who can get by on little sleep, I end up depressed and function poorly — forgetting dates and things like basic vocabulary. (I can get by with my insomnia chewing on my psyche but sooner or later I have to sleep in to catch up or I am DOOMED and when I am this anxious, my insomnia is in high gear.) And my house is awful. I’ve never been a clean-freak but even I am ashamed at the state of my home. Also the kids aren’t doing as much homeschooling stuff as I would like. Especially Madison. And I pick fights with Brett because I’m tired and sad and angry about being tired and sad.
There is just no time. Not for the things that matter to me anyway and I am done with putting those things off and telling myself that someday I’ll get to do it again. I tell Brett — when’s someday? When the kids are grown? I can’t do this that long! (For the record, Brett is nothing but supportive because he is Brett.)
I feel negative all the time (I’m emailing with someone in another window who is in the same straits. It’s a relief to see that it’s NOT me — it’s trying to function under circumstances that have become impossible) and I’m angry all the time. Angry at the world. Angry at people who haven’t had to make the sacrifices that I’ve had to make. Angry at myself. I’ve called myself an idiot more times than I can count. (As my friend just emailed, “Yeah, anger plus self-doubt. A tasty brew.” Oh indeed it is, my friends.)
And I cry. A LOT. On the phone to my mother. On the couch in front of the kids. In the car with Brett. Oh boy do I cry.
It’s situational and I know what the situation is and I know it has to change. And now that I’ve decided to change it, I am happier. I will be happier still when I’ve actually changed it and then I’ll blog in more detail but for now, I’m going with hope because the day-to-day stuff is killing me. Because there are two things that matter to me more than anything: My Family and My Writing. If I don’t have time for those two things, it all sucks no matter how good it is. And I don’t have time for those two things and this is no longer working for me. I’m not gonna apologize for it anymore (although I probably will still feel a little guilty about it because I know what I need to get by is maybe more than what other people need and I am very ambivalent about this but I will write more on that later).
Possibly related posts:
Do you think you could write someday about how you manage to cry so much? That’s a touchy subject in our household because Lee freaks out whenever I cry and so I have to either sneak around to cry or just do it even though I know it’s going to hurt her feelings and it’s all very complicated and unhelpful to me. I’m working to normalize it a bit, but I shouldn’t have to do extra work just to be able to cry, right?
Thorn, there is no managing — just a lot of tears. But I am a teary person anyway. I cried yesterday telling Abby the plot to The Little Match Girl! But I don’t like crying this much in front of the kids — it scares them (mostly Noah) when I’m this sad this often.
You know what? I wasn’t going to be happy until jim started working days. No matter how i tried, no matter how thankful I was that he at least had a job – becuase we’ve had times that he didn’t – i just wasn’t going to be happy until he worked days. And now he works days and we’re broker than ever and yet i start most days from a very nice, content place. Because he’s here with us.
I don’t think your standards are too high, I think your priorities are in just the right place.
I so completely understand.
Wow thank you for being so brave as to write this! This is the reality of parenting for so many GOOD parents and we’re often so ashamed we can’t even admit it to each other. You quite make me feel good about self with this post, although I’m certain I could beat you at a messy house contest. (However I’m steadily improving on that so, go me!) My vegetables go bad so often… sigh
Your post yesterday and this one today were actually a huge relief to me, because this is how I feel all the time right now. I took on more teaching hours so that in theory we would have more money and less stress, but I fell into the say-yes-to-everything-syndrome, and I’m cracking at the seams right now too and because I’m under contract for the next two terms, it’s not getting better anytime soon and that has me so depressed right now. I know that *everyone else* (my personal bugaboo) doesn’t require as many hours of sleep as I do for mental health or as many home-cooked meals or as much down-time. I’m not sure if this is part of what is going on with you, but I feel so guilty that my big need is time for writing that I have only an amorphous future hope of payment for, that I end up taking on more paying work only to end needing that time even more. I hope you find a new balance soon.
YES. And I’m about to write you off-blog!
I love you for admitting this. Yours is one of those ‘lives’ that I beat myself up for not attaining.
Turns out I was attaining it, perfectly, lol.
i came very close to a nervous breakdown a year ago when i was trying to manage way way too much, and a bunch of stuff that pushed all my anxiety buttons and super-sensitive sensory stuff and my introvert-on-the-verge-of-menopause self was just not able to cope. fortunately for me, most of what i was doing was volunteer stuff, but unfortunately for me, it was also stuff i cared deeply about and had put enormous amounts of energy into building and was all going to fall apart if i walked away. but eventually i had to walk away. fortunately, i could because we weren’t financially dependent on what i was doing … but in the months that followed, people really didn’t get what i was doing. “what do you do all day?” i wanted to say to them, “i’m taking good care that i don’t have a nervous breakdown.” and now, for the first time in my life, i have some sense of myself as a sort of fragile person, someone who has to manage her mental health very carefully. who has to be very careful about what she takes on. who used to be able to do so much more. i’ve gotten very good at it, but it’s a lot about making my world really small — not small in a parochial way, just small in way that makes it able to manage, you know? and now i feel great, and able to take on a little more, but still not nearly what i used to be able to do, and not nearly what the world thinks i ought to be able to do. it’s been so humbling, but that’s all been good too.
But you have happy,well adjusted kids. Not to say that you don’t count too, because you do—but you must be doing something right! No one has a clean house if nobody is coming over—and I stay in my PJ’s, unshowered looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus if I don’t have to be anywhere. Ask Lynne-she catches me at my best—sometimes at 2 in the afternoon when she shows up unexpectedly!! I bet kids in messy houses that graze all day and play endlessly are way happier than kids in clean houses that are eating 3 square meals!!!
Give yourself a hug from me!
“because I’m tired and sad and angry about being tired and sad.”…there’s a lot of that in our house right now too.
I am excited to read more details when you post them about what the changes will be. And happy for you that you are going to make them. (Because you are, I know it!)
I’m just glad there was a breaking point before the breaking point, you know?
Honest, and there isn’t ever anything bad with that if it’s in the interest of your own interests.
Well, I’m glad that you are going to make some changes that will help you be happier. And also glad I don’t have to feel inadequate when you write things like “I bake something for the kids 4-5 times/week,” which I *never* feel like I have time to do, and I work the equivalent of 2 days per week and have my kids in regular school …
Feel better!
Dawn, isn’t it amazing how when you write posts like this all the other stories of people with similar feelings come out of the woodwork?
I’m so glad you have figured out what needs to change (and that it really does need to change). For the record I need lots of sleep and *heaps* of down time in my life (way more than other people seem to), and consequently my vegetable crisper is always full of rotting lettuce (etc) and my house is always embarrassingly messy – despite having two part-time paid workers/part-time stay-at-home parents in it.
definitely familiar, this post and the last. anger, sadness, overwhelmed, all of it.
thanks for posting about it, and i look forward to reading more about how you work through it.
hugs…haven’t commented much lately ’cause I’m stuck in some self imposed hellish situation (we decided to foster, not sure we’d adopt only to decide we don’t want to adopt after all but the kids have been here for 7 mos…now they are moving and we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…but it’s been hell…short version!LOL)
A few years back I worked at a horrible place for about 4 years (supposed to have been one) because we needed my income (at one point hubby stayed home) and everything around me sort of fell apart…including me….I was grateful I had the job, could make the payments (sort of) but I so wanted to be home…anyway…it’s hard and is not one of those things that people can just snap out of…is not a character flaw to know your needs, wants, limitations, etc., yet be stuck in a situation that allows you to make do but still saps you…hang in there…
hugs
If you’ve got any room at all in the budget have you thought about getting a cleaning service? We hire a family to clean once every 2 weeks and it helps a lot with mental equanimity.
@zunzun: they’re moving… wow. I don’t want to ask you more on someone else’s blog, but but do you update anywhere, like Twitter (you can use a private/protected account there)?
Just heard this song again, and it seems appropriate
I know you’ll have a little life [remaining] in the end [of this hard time]
I know you have a lot of strength left
Your honesty is refreshing, and I can relate SO, SO much. I even read part of this out loud to my hubby. “See, honey? It’s not just me!”