My original plan was to use this month to do some soul searching only I haven’t had time to do any soul searching, which is one of the things I wanted to search my soul about. I have not been happy, oh dear internets, for what feels like a long time. I’m not sure when exactly it changed. I just know that sometime this summer I tipped into misery. I haven’t had time to write and that’s been making me very very very unhappy. So-o-o-o-o unhappy. And bitter. And headache-y. And prone to believe the world is a sad, ugly, ungracious and unkind place (the economy laying off my friends and their partners has not helped in this regard).
But I felt trapped. I knew what would make a difference and that difference didn’t seem like something I could right now. (I still feel trapped but I’m trying to think of this in the past tense and this is my first decision in a series that I’m going to have to make.)
There was a trajectory to my misery that went like this once I was well and truly sad:
- Assuming that my sadness was an attitude I could change just by wishing it away. Or pretending I didn’t feel that way. Or giving myself a stern talking to about how my life difficulties were nothing — nothing – compared to a million other lives that are 1001 times worse.
- Lambasting myself for being such a dumb stupid selfish loser who can’t be happy with what she has and think of all the ways other people manage and tell myself that if I just tried harder and quit whining it would all go away. (This is a subtle shift from the first step where the first step is more like, “C’mon, sport! Get yourself together!” and this one is like, “Shut up, you stupid whiny loser!”)
- Making small but doable changes, some of which helped a bit but none of which addressed the bigger issue. Basically succumbing to that women’s magazine mentality that if I could just find the perfect time management system, diet and/or work-out video that all of my problems would fly away.
- Giving up and being miserable. That coincided quite conveniently with what was apparently the flu. I was sick. I was unhappy. Life appeared bleak. All the things making me sad were standing out in stark relief and I felt consumed by flu and exhaustion and every morning I woke up and wondered how soon I could take my Nyquil and go back to sleep again. And yet life ground on and there were still meals to make, brochures to design, rugs to vacuum, etc. etc. and so the hamster wheel of my life suddenly seemed even more unbearable than before.
Fortunately that last bit? That was mostly the flu talking and now that I’m well again what I’m left with is a determination not to let my life kick my ass like that again.
Now there are a lot of things in my way and the gist of this I can’t blog until I’ve moved them out of my way and gotten on to what I need to get onto but I do know this: Life is too short to feel this frustrated. And while it’s true that lots of people are way worse off than I am and it is perhaps a character flaw that what another person could cope with in her sleep is turning me into a blithering, sobbing idiot most weekends (and some weeknights) but it is my character, nonetheless, and I do have to live with it, flaws and all.
I am what I am. I can do what I can do. And I am at my best when I accept my limits. It’s taken me time to understand (who am I kidding — I still don’t quite understand it and am going to have to do some of Madison’s patented self-talk to work it) that challenging myself doesn’t mean banging my head against brick wall and telling myself that I should just bang harder. Challenging myself means when I hit a wall, I turn around and try something new. I mean, there’s only so much I can learn about myself by contemplating my failure to manage in circumstances that I personally find impossible but appear to work on paper.
Now I need to figure out how to get what I need despite some fairly daunting obstacles and I’m not sure quite how I’m going to do that but I do think it’s likely that now that I’ve figured out that I have to do it, I’ll find a way. Right? Of course right.
The flu must be the most introspective time available to humans. I’ve been all deep and brooding over here. (I start Z-Pak tomorrow because I ended up with a respiratory infection on top of the flu. Swell. To boot, LB has a double ear infection on top of his flu. And my husband just started running a fever. OMGFAIL.)
Anyway…
The good news is that I finally figured out my Wave problem (cache issues, which I would have known had I not been feverish) and we can get to writing now. Yes? Go.
Oh man, this summer? I’ll bet that means you caught a bad attitude from me when I visited. I know I’ve had plenty of self-destructive crankiness ever since then, so I must have been infectious then.
But I do think I know how you feel. It’s what’s been keeping me quiet on my own blog. I hope things pick up for you, though. Good luck with those obstacles. I have faith.
No credit for moi?!
I wish you much luck in finding the answer to the age old question “What the hell do I do now?!”
It was about mid-spring last year when I hit the skids with my attitude/life in general. I’m not sure what changed – but I can tell you that I feel like a ton of weight was lifted when I finally decided that I *had* to stop worrying about everything else and focus on me and mine.
I needed to be in a good place and for the first time in a long time (even given recent news) I feel like I’m there. I’ve been there for a while…
You’ll find a way, yes, you smart and persistent person: you’ve got a lot of friends at your back, too.
I heart you, you know that? I wish we could drink, and were geographically close enough to swap children, bring food and borrow money the day before pay day from each other.
It’s going to get better for all of us. I know it.
thanks for this post, btw, dawn. maybe you might understand why it helps me feel more valid and that i’m alright, since i admire and respect you?
I know a lot about you and I’m more than happy to tell you every single miserable, enlightening day that you will figure it out. Whatever has to be done will be. I don’t say that all picking-wild-flowers-through-the-meadowish either, I say that because you just will, even through the crap.
Forward to what? To better. To more. And you will do it until you get there. I’ll be here for emails, ranting calls, and whenever you need a story to make you laugh, I’ll tell you something about living with a REALLY special needs kid in a totally unPC way. Southern drawl included.
hope you are on the road to feeling better soon. that banging your head against the wall stuff is no fun at all.
Our particular circumstances may be different, but I can relate to a LOT of this right now, this year, and I think we have very similar coping mechanisms/perspectives. That’s the long way of saying, I hear ya
I’ll be back to read more carefully and comment, but I just wanted to send out this comment right away in the hopes that it might cheer you up to know that we’re here, out in the “ether” of the internet, but here. I’ll be back tomorrow… gotta go to bed.
If it is any comfort, at least every other time I read your blog I find myself scratching my head, wondering if you have more hours in the day than I do. Because you have a full time job, 2 kids, very little childcare, and you homeschool, in addition to all the regular cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Plus the adoption stuff. And you manage to tack on things like re-doing Madison’s room. If you are a person who needs time to herself, to write, etc, it is not surprising to me AT ALL that you are not getting it and it’s bringing you down. Give yourself a break and I hope you can make some helpful changes!
Yeah. What she said.
Sending you big hugs that you are able to make the changes that you need to. I also walk around wondering how “everyone else” manages to cook from scratch, wrangle toddlers, get writing time, get family time, and work on top of it. What’s funny is that I had you squarely in the “Everyone else” category–I’m always amazed at everything you manage to get done and everything you do with the kids. But if you are unhappy, no amount of productivity in the world can make up for it. I have to remind myself of that a lot too–that it is better to be “unproductive” and healthy and happy than to be productive and burnt to a crisp.
I will try to resist the urge to say it will get better, because who knows? It will be different. I think that’s my own funk right now – life changes. Kids grow up. People start jobs and have to figure out how that can make me happy and sad.
Just a big supportive hug for you. And a belief that you’re good enough, strong enough, worthy enough to get happy. (Sorry to mangle Stuart Smalley)
EMDR?
First – very much enjoy your blog! Visit often, but I think this may be my first time commenting.
Second – if you aren’t doing so already, have you considered talking with someone? Like a counselor? Maybe taking an hour every other week to talk to someone objective who might be able to help you sort through it all…
Regardless – sending lots of healing energy your way and hoping that you figure it all out (and, if you do, can you let us know the secret?)
What she said too.
Gah. I know many of these feelings. They make me feel immobilized around 4 am a lot lately.
Sickness, heading into our cold, grey months doesn’t help. Embracing my inner Pollyanna does a little, though. I sometimes think that one of the hardest things about being emotionally engaged, intelligent women is the fact that we’re just less likely to suspend disbelief. I’m trying to make peace with the idea of becoming a little oblivious, mostly assuming that the obstacles that I see in front of me just aren’t there, or aren’t nearly as big as I think they are. It seems to have worked for a lot of successful people. Like faith, only different.
Peace, friend.
This post really resonated for me. While I haven’t been unhappy, I have been stressed out, overworked, focusing on things that do me more harm than good. Seemed I spent too much time DREAMING wistfully about what I would like to be doing versus really doing it.
A recent serious health scare caused me to seriously re-evaluate how I spent my time, with whom, how often, etc. I determined I was quite out of balance. I was spending way too much time in adoption reform, search, support and not nearly enough time with the people or things that give me joy (versus those that make me cry continually). I have subsequently pulled out of three very major things (all related to adoption).
This was incredibly hard. I literally cried about it for days.
Resulting effect? Those things are going on without me and doing well. I am feeling lighter and freer and more able to focus on the good things in my life versus the agonizing.
Best to you.
Nothing new to add that others haven’t said. Just wanting you to know I am here, reading you and nodding and sending love.
Thanks for posting about this-I hear ya! Very similiar thing going on here….
OK… I feel like I was just reading my own self right then. Yep, first stage: C’mon, you can do it! You did it before! 2nd stage: you did it before you loser and now you have backslid to this? You are scum; get up and do what you know to do. 3rd stage: OK.. I can do X, its a good start. (for me, usually X doesn’t last). final: Well, you are who you are. This is all you will be, just give up and accept.
BUT, I am finally working it through and I hope you are as well. Stay strong cuz it really isn’t as bad as we think.