This round we’re going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard–or perhaps even made–statements like these?
- “We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.”
- “The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”
- “Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood.”
These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.
The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families–or not–on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn’t make such an important and personal decision for them.
What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
Well, obviously I disagree. And these kinds of arguments drive me crazy.
Let’s get this out of the way right now, ok? People usually bring up abusive birth parents when they’re describing these scenarios, to which I say, duh, we do not let our children hang out with people who will abuse them. That goes for bio relatives, non-bio relatives, friends, soccer coaches, teachers, religious leaders, babysitters, etc. That goes without saying and it isn’t even part of this discussion.
If we’re talking about limiting first parent contact with our kids simply because those people are first parents, it’s idiotic. Let’s try on other relative scenarios, shall we?
- “We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their grandparents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their grandparents when they are adults, we will fully support them.”
- “The decision to have a relationship with her cousins should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.”
- “Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything divorce-related until they are more mature. A relationship with step-parents robs a child of a normal childhood.”
Ludicrous, right?
First family members are family members. If you would allow your child to have contact with YOUR family members (their adoptive family members) under such-and-such circumstances, likewise you should allow contact with HER family members. And the reverse is true, too. If you wouldn’t let one of YOUR relatives treat your child such-and-such way, likewise there’s no reason you should allow HER relatives to treat her such-and-such way.
The one caveat I have is that we adoptive parents have to stretch a bit because it may be that we’re trying to build relationships over difficult cultural divides. Like say everyone in our family (our child’s adoptive family) listens to Nat King Cole albums for the holidays and everyone in your child’s bio family listens to Handel’s Messiah over and over. Maybe just maybe we might want to consider putting up with Handel a bit, you know? In our own open adoption I can point to the time Madison first met her grandfather (on Pennie’s side) and she had a pork chop. We don’t eat pig (Jewish!) and if my mom tried to feed Madison a pork chop I’d say, “Yo, Mom! What the hell!” But when it came right down to it — and I believe there’s an essay in this somewhere — I figured that going to the mat about a pork chop could do a lot of long-term harm while letting her eat a bit of pig wasn’t going to kill anyone.
And you know what? Madison loved that pork chop and the photo opportunity it created was priceless so I’d say I went the right way there and I’ve let that pork chop incident guide me when faced with similar non-dilemmas both big and small.
Possibly related posts:
Very well said!! We have always had contact in our very open adoption. When things come up, we do consider would we let our children have contact/ visit someone else behaving the same way/in the same circumstance. Only once in about 4 yrs time have we limited contact (for about 4 months)….
I love this! using other family relationships is the BEST way to explain it!
Now if we could just get people to listen………
You made the exact same point that I wanted to make with the other relatives senarios! I still plan on entering – but will have to think of some more reasons!
Wonderful post. I am even thinking about writing for this roundtable.
As usual, well said.
Lauren
Aka younevergetoverit over at open adoption support
“Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families–or not–on their own timetable.”
This is very much the predominant point of view re searching for birth families of internationally adopted children here in NL due to *very vocal* adult adoptees who fight for adopters to leave this up to their children. I’m very sceptical but very alone with my view … Most adopters seem very impressed by the adult adoptee stories.
[Not that it's relevant for us either way! It's either foster care or open adoption from the US.]
As a disappointed Maine voter, I’m acutely aware of the impossibility of countering emotion with reason. Those aren’t arguments, they’re rationales for not doing something some people don’t want to or are scared to do. I admire you for trying, of course.
couldn’t have said it better myself… <3
well done, Ms. Dawn…dare me to cut and paste this and send it to everyone in my family?
Don’t think I won’t!
I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU! No, wait, not necessarily. Holidays and all and visits and you know, that’s all hellish enough and stuff!!
Dawn –
This is a really great way to explain it – substituting “first family” for “grandparents” etc. I love that and am going to use at will now.
But I’m wondering how opening a closed adoption plays into this here. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that. I couldn’t agree more with everything you are saying if we’re talking about the benefits of a closed adoption vs. an open one. And if people are still trying to decide between the two. But what if the adoption is closed to begin with – and later APs might use reason #2 to keep it closed?
I struggle with this because on a personal level all three of our adoptions are closed. (Closed because they were international adoptions and open adoptions weren’t an option.) As much as I’m in favor of open adoptions, I’m not sure about opening a closed one. I see both the pros and cons of this and can’t make up my mind about what is really best for all parties involved. My searching for their first parents now could cause a great hardship in the lives of the parents and of my kids. (It could also bring a lot of peace as well. But I just don’t know.) And so I’ve deferred to “I will let the kids decide to search for them when/if they want to.” But I still waver on this.
Thoughts?
I’m in the minority this time, I guess. I’m not involved in an open adoption, as we adopted from foster care, but to me, this part is key: “If we’re talking about limiting first parent contact with our kids simply because those people are first parents, it’s idiotic.”
I wouldn’t be limiting contact simply because they are first parents, I would be limiting contact because I don’t want my kid to feel rejection more sharply, or because I don’t want him to feel strained between loyalty to one family vs. the other, or to see outcomes for his first parents as predictors for his own.
I’d rather he grow up and be mad at me for not maintaining contact than have him bogged down every day between now and then dealing with people and situations he is not mature enough to understand.
I feel like we are making an “important and personal decision” for our child no matter what we choose with regards to openness.
In the interest of full disclosure, I feel that I benefited from being an adult when I learned about situations in my family that would have been identity-enveloping if I knew about them as a child, and I think it would have been perfectly lovely to have been spared the step-parent until I was an adult, too.
Your view is fantastic and I hope more people see the benefit of integrating the families from the very beginning.
However, I think much of the resistence to this level of integration is driven by the desire to make the adoptive family the ONLY family. For those who cling to the attitude that adoption creates a new family and oblitertes any prior familial ties this type of arrangement will be rejected (sadly).
It seems to me that the simple answer to people who want to limit openness so as to allow a ‘normal’ childhood, is that adopted children are not going to have that, in the sense intended. Not giving them access to their birth family doesn’t stop them from being adopted.
[...] you have the opportunity, Dawn at this woman’s work wrote an excellent piece this [...]
This is really fascinating for me to read. I thought your substituting of the words was spot-on. It actually gave me goose bumps, because I had never thought about the benefits of open adoption so clearly. I’m interested in adoption and don’t know much, so I’m appreciating learning through these discussions. Thank you!
I have an open adoption so my son doesn’t have to wonder. Wonder what she looks like, wonder if he is like her, wonder if she loves him. WHatever he wonders, I want him to be able to ask and have some chance of getting his questions answered. Also, his first mom has cognitive delays and a seizure disorder due to a childhood head injury. If we don’t maintain contact with her now, finding her when he is older could be very difficult. I see a different side to the statement”: “I will support my child if they want to search when they are older, but it should be his/her decision.” If I want my son to have a choice about whether he has a relationship with his first mom, then I need to keep in contact with her. If I fail in that I may well have made the decision for him to cut her out of his life.
These are such hard and personal choices.
[...] (adoptive mom) at This Woman’s Work: “Well, obviously I disagree. And these kinds of arguments drive me [...]