Even though I am still sick sick sick (and sick) and so not thinking very straight (and can’t talk at all — my voice is gone) I wanted to chime in on this over at Letters to a Birthmother:
Despite our firm belief that overall openness is a good thing–the right thing–, there are events that happen within the relationship that are clearly not so positive. Those not so positive things often don’t make it to press due to their sensitive nature–whether its just too private to discuss a particular detail about the event (does it boil down to “gossip”?, or that its one of those “my child’s story to tell” moments that we, ourselves can’t own. For me, quite honestly, I struggle with the thought that if I talk about the negatives, am I being seen as “bashing” Woob’s firstmom, or openness, or adoption in general? Bottom line, there are parts of the story we don’t feel at liberty to tell.
So here’s the question–if you’re not sharing “the whole picture”, good, bad and ugly, does it make the blog a farce or a sham? Is it still “the truth?”. DISCUSS
Obviously I think sensitivity to our children’s stories and our children’s parents’ stories has to be paramount. However, I do think there are times we need to find ways to talk about the hard stuff IF that’s part of why we’re blogging (to inform people about openness). I mean, that’s not always why all of us are blogging. It’s a big reason why I blog — I want to communicate something true about our lives that will hopefully be useful to people. But then, I’m a writer and I write to be read and I write to be heard and I write because I want to (in whatever small way I can) change the world. Not just about adoption either. But there are so many reasons to blog like sharing info with friends & family, keeping a record for yourself, working things out (I write for all those reasons, too). Which is to say, I don’t expect someone who’s writing a gentle adoption blog to keep grandparents up to date to sit around mindf*cking adoption ethics and I also don’t expect someone who’s writing total baby book entries for their child one day to use that space to struggle with difficult issues that they’re dealing with in their open adoption relationships. There’s a time and a place, you know? And blogs are as varied as their writers.
I think there are ways to be truthful and sensitive both. I think we can focus on our feelings more and on specific situations less. I think we can use metaphors to tell true stories, too. Like my green steno pad post that has nothing to do with green steno pads. It can be hard but I like the challenge of it. I like trying to blog true and honest without compromising how much I want to share. Sometimes I get it wrong but I like trying.
I feel frustrated when people totally lie by omission IF they’re setting themselves up as examples. So like let’s say there’s a gardener blog who blogs about being an organic gardener? And is really, “You all should do it like me” but secretly she’s putting Miracle Grow all over her lawn. That drives me crazy whatever the blog genre. I like it when people are willing to blog more complicated but I also understand that there are some folks who are living out a virtual fantasy life of how they wish things could be but still, it’s always a disappointment when I discover someone has been painting a false picture.
There are things I wish I could share on blog so that people couldn’t say, “Yeah, but open adoption works for you because you don’t ever deal with XYZ” and sometimes they’re wrong because we (Pennie and I) DO deal with XYZ but it’s more than I’m going to set out on the internet.
Anyway, between total (and sometimes hurtful) honesty and blatant dishonesty, there’s a lot of room for figuring it out and we’re all going to draw different lines in the sand.
Anyway. I’m going to go take more cold medicine now.
Possibly related posts:
I am just expecting miracle grow edited lives when I read blogs. I add some organic miracle grow to my own blog daily. I just write. I am a big old extrovert- but I don’t share half my life online. Half of it. It’s mine. I think inspiration is my need. I don’t think about ethics when I blog so much. I don’t know. I do know I hope you feel better and yr doing a good job of blogging for the adoption community Dawn. xo
I just blog whatever is in my head at the moment and i’m IN that moment, blogging away the rawness of my life. Because it’s very raw at the best of times and festering in the worst.
I don’t honestly ever give a thought to being selective about what is being blogged about, mostly it’s my venue to release my thoughts and emotions. Do I share other people’s stories with in my blog, sure, but only as it directly affects my life, emotions, and decisions.
eh, I probably do the exact opposite of your style, actually. Oh well, it’s me, no miracle grow added or edited. Just me.
I think you do a good job of being sensitive to others in your life in your blog, and to convey the day to day problems and joys of open adoption. You are brave to do this, and as someone from a closed adoption I have learned a lot from your thoughtful writings.
One of the reasons I do not want a blog, although I love to write, is concern for putting too much personal information out there that might be hurtful or insensitive to the kids I raised or the one I surrendered. I am a birth mother in a very tentative email only reunion at this point, and my surrendered son works in the computer field and is very savvy so I am sure if he wanted to could find anything I put out there.
I am introverted, old-fashioned and just plain old, and frankly am a bit appalled by most adoption blogs where adoptees and mothers have no hesitation criticizing each other and putting the most personal detail out there to justify “their side” of any given dispute. It is one thing to write anything that comes into your head in a private journal, another to put it out there in a blog for the world to see. I do not see the benefit in that to anyone, and it is as embarrassing to read as witnessing a public fight between family members in the street.
I have a rather…unhappy relationship to blogging honestly about adoption. Especially our adoption.
I’ve been blogging for a while now. At first, I started off being honest. Brutally honest. This had the effect of hurting people whom I love dearly. My daughter’s first mother/family. My husband’s family (I won’t say any more about them). At times, I’ve stopped writing about adoption completely, I’ve written about sensitive topics under locked posts – and now I write sporadically about a number of topics. Mostly so people won’t notice the adoption posts when they’re in there.
The only example I’ve ever been, in adoption or anything else, is a bad example. Don’t be like me, kids…
I’m not much of a blog reader specifically because I am not interested in blogs about other people’s miracle-gro edited stuff or the blogs that sound like the annual Christmas letter from wealthy relatives–kinda like real life but richer and smoother, with lots of little sparkly sparkles. There’s nothing wrong with those blogs, but I get enough of that stuff IRL, none of it is new.
I am grateful for the few adoption-related blogs I’ve found where people are willing to put real issues out there, and give readers the benefit of hearing someone else’s perspective.
I started blogging to keep family and friends up to date with our adoption. Then found out they could care less about what I write. Nonetheless, I found the support I thought I didn’t need in the comments left by complete strangers who do read my blog.
Then I started thinking about all those families waiting to adopt and I thought maybe our story would help. Telling them all about the process – going through every stage, the bliss, and the annoying comments people make too – was kind of therapeutic. But still, I kept some stuff to myself.
We have adopted now (our daughter is 3 months old) and there are so many things I wish to say and write about but am afraid to do so… I’m afraid that my family will eventually read my posts and get hurt. I even worry about my baby reading about it in the future and not knowing how she’s going to react.
I was just working on one post about an incident that happened recently with my sister, when she said (well, let’s be honest – she really stood up and screamed at me) an annoying comment that was just infected beyond belief with birth mom myths, racism and adoptism. I was taking a break, thinking about just deleting it, and found this post.
It made me think. Maybe I can do the metaphor thing…
I use metaphor a lot more often than I let on!!! Also, your daughter is gorgeous — congratulations!
Thanks!
This is a timely post, considering the rash of rude anti-adoption commenters that have cropped up lately.
I’ve written out our story (we’re a month behind Maru, our son is 2 mos old). I deliberately decided to use “BM” as a generic term in the long saga so that anyone who passes through and reads it knows which character in the drama she is, and also because I have to protect her privacy (closed adoption, by her insistence). I got rudely blasted for the usage by complete strangers. Do I really have to put a disclaimer at the beginning of each post that I’m not deliberately being an insensitive ass? Really?
I love to write, and I think it’s important for the adoption community to remain in the public viewing strata, as I found others’ blogs invaluable when we were just starting. But how much is too much? And, in another vein, how much battering should we all put up with in the process?
Excellent food for thought.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Allie
Allie, I think the complaint about BM is a valid one. And it’s such a little thing to “give in” on — why not do it? You could say BMom just about as easily and save some folks a lot of pain. (It’s why I switched to the term “first mother” even though Pennie is comfortable with “birth mom” and so it’s what we use in real life.)
I know that the anti-adoptionists can be offensive but I also think that I can learn a lot from people who have been battered by a system that’s served ME so well. That doesn’t mean I have to agree with every person who comes here and says something offensive but I can also see it for what it is, recognize that it really can’t HURT me and learn to appreciate another point of view. It does sometimes get exhausting to feel defensive but then I remember it’s my choice to feel defensive and that maybe that defensiveness is coming from a place of guilt and THAT’S what I need to examine. Because if I feel 100% awesome about what I’m doing, I’m not bothered by people who vehemently disagree with me. When rude commenters hit a nerve, I usually feel like I’ve got some hard thinking to do.