An adoptive mom on my facebook said in response to my “vote for me” post, “Are there any moderates in this contest?” Because she thinks I’m a little extreme.
I know that theoretically people see me as extreme but I swear to goodness, I think I’m pretty even-handed.
Not that I would have thought so at the start of things. I think I would have felt a lot like Heather says she felt when she was first reading my blog, “I don’t think she knows this, but waaay back in the day, reading Dawn’s blog made me really defensive. I was wholly invested in the idea that there was a Right Way to do adoption that could make it positive for everyone involved, and that there were black-and-white distinctions between birth parents and adoptive parents and their place in an adopted child’s life.”
I thought all this, too — trust me, I know from defensive! The first time I read the antiadoption blogs? I flipped out! They scared the heck out of me! I had this idea that adoption matched up sweet and nice with perfectly matching pieces — a mother who could not parent and me over here with my big, open heart (what a savior!). I didn’t really know about corruption or coercion and I thought the baby scoop era was a finite period that had no bearing on our enlightened times. I just didn’t know. And the propaganda for saving babies is strong — very very strong. When people heard I was adopting? Oh they were so moved! How lovely of me! How wonderful!
But that’s just one side of adoption. Adoption is creating a family but only after a family is lost. Adoption is joy but only because someone else is grieving. Adoption means your kid gets parents but s/he had to lose parents first. In other words, when we think about adoption we usually only think about one side and not the story that comes before and the story that comes before matters. It matters a lot.
(It doesn’t have to negate the joy, mind you. I don’t think it has to do that but it has to exist with it. You can’t have one without the other and this is the truth that adoptive parents have to embrace even if it’s painful for us [because if we don't, we create greater pain for our children.])
If we can’t keep our eye on that hard part of the story, we’re going to be party to people being used and children being sold. If we aren’t willing to recognize the dark side of adoption, we will be in collusion with the bad guys. As adoptive parents or wannabe adoptive parents, we must demand transparency and we must be willing to look critically at our own choices and practices.
Here are some facts for any new-to-me visitors:
- In the United States, agencies still coerce women into placing their babies for adoption using tactics we thought went out with poodle skirts. (This article targets Christian agencies and pregnancy crisis centers but there are plenty of secular agencies whose tactics are equally — if not more — underhanded.)
- Some agencies will shuttle women out of states with laws that don’t favor adoptive parents to states where they can do things like forgo contacting putative fathers. Utah is famous for its lax adoption laws, which is why some agencies and attorneys will fly women there.
- Some adoption professionals will encourage wannabe parents to say whatever it takes to get the baby even if they have no intentions of honoring their agreements. (Remember, open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable in most states and even in the states where they are enforceable, few judges are willing to rule against legal parents.)
- Some orphans are not orphans at all. They’re children stolen from their parents with the express purpose of being sold to foreign adopters. (To see how effective lobbying continues to drive these practices, invest some time to watch this documentary.) This is important. The children languishing in orphanages are real and their trauma is real but how they got there isn’t always clear. Facilitators will lie. Not every abandoned child was truly abandoned.
Children have always needed families but our demand has outpaced the supply and unscrupulous people have stepped in because we have the cash to pay to be parents. As Gunther Verheugen says in this documentary, “As long as there is a demand for children, there will be a search to find ways to create a supply.”
We are the demand. They are creating the supply to meet us.
Now listen — I believe that many us involved in adoption are good people. I believe that most of the social workers, agencies and lawyers are trying their best to be ethical and I believe that most of us adoptive parents are not so blinded by baby lust that we will do anything to get our babies. I believe that there are children that need families and first parents who want to freely exercise their right to place their children for adoption. I believe that. But I also believe that we are all of us tainted by the bad and that adoption is deeply stained by injustice. And I believe that we adoptive parents have a special obligation to talk about it and challenge it because it is OUR money and OUR demand that is driving the industry.
Also? People listen to us more. If a birth parent sounds the alarm, people say she’s just whining for a do-over. If an adoptee complains, people say she’s ungrateful. But when we say it, people are more likely to listen because we are less likely to have an agenda the can simply dismiss.
I told my mom yesterday that sometimes adoptive parents will read me and then email or comment and start talking about guilt and do I want us always to feel guilty? No, I don’ t feel guilty and I think guilt is kind of a selfish luxury I try not to allow myself. No, what I feel is responsible. With due credit to Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben, with great power [and privilege] comes great responsibility. Let’s live up to it, ‘kay?
Bravo!
Very well said.
*This* is why you’re made of Awesome!
When does voting close? I’m home from work, trying to get you up to 53% …
Closes tonight at ll:59pm EST. What time zone are you in, Tatjana?
GMT+2, so this means it closes 6am tomorrow for me. Too early for more morning voting, I’m not online until 6.30!
This is a lovely post, Dawn.
I’d further like to say that you’ve made far more headway in writing this blog (and keeping at writing it as you, yourself, have experienced changes) than anyone EVER has by flaming someone else, online or off, anonymous or not. No one is going to change their minds about the adoption industry and want to help make changes when they’re attacked. It just doesn’t work that way. I’m so glad that you have found that middle point.
I wish more people could be like you in not only how they share their story but in how they accept that their own story is subject to change. I know, like us, you’ve tripped over mistakes here and there and I simply love the heck out of you for sharing them so that other people realize that we are humans, not just computer monitors. We have feelings. We need help. We are in this together.
years ago i thought about starting a blog and thought, why bother? dawn says everything i think, only so much better! as it turns out, i figured out i had a few things to say of my own, but about this stuff? you go. you are so freakin right on, dawn. and so damn good at saying it. word.
First of all, I just google shared you so I’m glad you didn’t listen to your silly self! You’re a beautiful, insightful writer and you teach me a lot about kindness and beautifully represent a loving Christian worldview, which I really value!
well, gosh, thanks dawn! that’s high praise from one of my blogging heros, just when i needed it, as it turns out. i want to write more about adoption, but it’s HARD (i’m sure you haven’t noticed, lol!). i have so much in my head, and so little time to actually write it well (again, i bet you have no idea what i’m talking about, nu?) — and sometimes, honestly, not enough emotional wherewithall — to get it on the blog. i know you know, but still somehow you manage. i really admire that.
I just subscribed to you so you obviously have something to say. The truth is that we all do, whether about adoption or our life experience(s). If we can remember that our life experience doesn’t dismiss or nullify someone else’s, we’ll all learn so much from one another.
thanks jenna! that really really means a lot to me. when i started this blog, after taking a year or so off from my old one, i decided i was tired of arguing, and just wanted to tell my story. i had a professor in college once who said there’s nothing new to say about shakespeare, except our personal experience of it. that’s pretty much how i feel about everything i write now. other folks are good at making the arguments (i’m actually good at it, it’s the lawyer in me) but i can’t take the anxiety it creates from the flame wars etc. and i’m not sure it makes a difference in the end. it’s the long, honest unfolding of a life’s story that you can’t really argue with, but that can touch and change hearts over time — that’s what i love and value so much about dawn’s blog, and how i try to emulate her.
I really appreciate this post as someone moving toward an open, domestic adoption (totally stuck on the damn profile!). You not only say things that are not spoken enough, you validate some of this PAP’s doubts and fears while still leaving room for excitement and joy. Thank you.
Stacy, my only advice re., the approval is don’t fret too much. (Ha! Like you’ll be able to stop!) But really — just be honest and don’t worry about the beauty pageant part of it. Because I think that beauty pageant thing? It’s a myth. I know that Pennie wasn’t looking for the best, most prettiest, most perfect people — she was looking for people she could relate to. And the things that she liked about us were the thing someone else WOULDN’T like. So just be yourself. No fretting!!!
Dawn,
Thanks for the advice. I know you’re right. I’m in a bit
of a battle with our coordinator over the pretty,
scrap-bookish part of this thing.
I’m Stacey Sperling, by the way, and I can’t
believe my luck that some one related to me has
not only been through this process but has an incredible
blog full of insight and honesty about the experience
and challenges. Wow.
Great post. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Another well-written and poignant post echoing my exact feelings about adoption. There really is no need for me to write when all I have to do is read what you have to say. Thank you for putting my ideas to paper/screen
so beautifully.
Dawn, I know that I said I would take a break but…well, I technically lied. I have to say with all of my heart that I love you so much. Adoption is an extreme process. Extreme for everyone involved. I dont think reform will ever really happen unless we recognize that this is not peachy. And it is the voice of people like you that empower the families that have to make these extreme choices on either side of the fence.
Aww, Pennie, you made me cry. I love you so much, too. And when I say I couldn’t do this without you, I really mean that I wish people could see what a splendiferous, amazing woman YOU are and know that you hold me up all the damn time.
Aww. She made me cry, too.
this is such a truly awesome post, dawn. really.
Oh my gosh, this one post has given me enough homework to last me through the new year. Even though I’m adopted (and reunited w/ bio fam), there are so many angles I haven’t considered…
You are most definitely not extreme. If someone’s starting point is mired in the notion that secrecy “protects” women, then they might come that conclusion.
If so, their re-education is in order, and you are doing it beautifully. Kudos!!!
Yes, yes, yes.
As always.