In yesterday’s spate of picture making, Madison also drew a picture of her two families. She drew herself with Pennie, Tommy and Roscoe and she drew herself with Brett, Noah and me. She also drew a picture of Roscoe and herself standing on either side of Pennie and me.
Pennie and I have always had a relationship that has been about more than being Madison’s mothers. From the beginning we had other topics to discuss and debate and I was thinking about that looking at the last picture. Because Madison is the bridge that brings us together and that’s a big burden on a small child but then I believe she also sees our relationship — Pennie’s and mine — as another bridge. Or maybe as the foundation that allows her to stretch between her two families.
When I was looking at the pictures I said, “You know, these are two families but they’re one family, too. Pennie belongs to you but she and Tommy and Roscoe are also part of our family and we’re all part of theirs, too.” And Madison looked at the pictures for awhile and that’s when she went back and drew the picture of Pennie and me together.
It’s the piece of open adoption that I most harp on but have the toughest time explaining (because if you’re not living it, it’s hard to understand) but taking on that job of being her bridge foundation, of supporting her as she reaches to her other family (to her other mother) is the central piece of BEING her mother. It’s the beautiful irony of open adoption — I become more Madison’s mother and I earn my mothering — by stretching to meet her other mother so that Madison can be her child as well. And — this part is central — denying her other family would lessen my motherhood. I would be diminished in my role if I couldn’t see the truth of my daughter’s life, which is that adoption does not erase family ties.
This isn’t about Pennie; this is about Madison. And yesterday I understood that even more as I stretched to meet her other, absent father because clearly, whether he is here or not, Madison needs to be his child, too. And she needs to find some way to do it that allows for the reality of our particular situation. She is figuring out what that means right now (we all are).
Stretching for Pennie is easy; stretching for Madison’s birth dad is harder because he isn’t here and because of the reasons he’s not here. But thankfully Pennie’s presence in our life (who she is and how she is a part of our family) has helped pave the way to accepting her birth dad under less than optimal circumstances.
I’m so grateful to have this child in my life and to get the opportunity to be present here in our adoption across families. This is not how I envisioned open adoption (or any adoption). I really didn’t understand how far-reaching it is or how deeply it runs. I just didn’t know. And still sometimes it surprises me. I am learning more every single day.
Oh Dawn…this piece, “denying her other family would lessen my motherhood. I would be diminished in my role if I couldn’t see the truth of my daughter’s life, which is that adoption does not erase family ties.” is so key to how I understand and try to live open adoption.
Thanks for voicing it, and for living it.
It’s totally simplistic, but I truly believe that the phrase “it’s not about forgetting one family, it’s about joining two” is really appropriate.
My father has problems with a couple of members of my child’s family. Once he was getting pissy when they appeared at a birthday party. I turned to him and said “These are **’s people. It’s important that he not be made to feel it’s wrong to love them. You just have to get over your own feelings as part of your love for him.”
It’s not easy always, but it’s important.
I think this will stand as one of your seminal writings–right up there with the piece on adoption grief that you did when Madison was a toddler and learning to articulate her feelings. I know few people who are brave enough to live this important reality. Keep speaking your truth. Keep writing it for both of you.
I agree with wavybrains wholeheartedly. I think you’re groovy <3
Yes, wawybrains nailed it, this is one of your seminal pieces.
And now I got really curious and wondering and wanted to ask Lisa V about whether Mal has a relationship with her birth dad or not. Maybe you’d know the answer because you’ve been following Lisa’s journey longer…
[...] been chewing on a recent post by Dawn of This Woman’s Work about how openness has come to define the very core of what it [...]
“Taking on that job of being her bridge foundation, of supporting her as she reaches to her other family (to her other mother) is the central piece of BEING her mother. It’s the beautiful irony of open adoption — I become more Madison’s mother and I earn my mothering.”
I so get it. Wish I had it.
Oh I LOVE it. Love love love it.
And I feel the same way. With Ava’s other mom, and also the same as you with her other dad.
Sigh. In some ways it’s really quite simple. And in others it’s so, so, so complex.
Thank you. There are days/ways I struggle to be the kind of parent I want to be. Making Little Man’s Mother a part of our story is easy for us but we’ve struggled with the story of his birth father. It’s been an area he hasn’t asked about yet and we’ve taken the easy way out.
I know one day we’ll have to deal with it and I’m hoping that by helping him have a relationship with his Mom that will help set a foundation for exploring those questions.
this is a lovely post that says so much. thank you.
[...] you different because of open adoption in your life?” Check out her inspiration, a wonderful post about being a mother in an open adoption at This Woman’s [...]
[...] you different because of open adoption in your life?” Check out her inspiration, a wonderful post about being a mother in an open adoption at This Woman’s [...]
[...] not only the caretakers of her story until she is ready to carry it herself, but we are also the bridge to her birth family. We have to build that bridge — lay the foundation and maintain its [...]