This is continued from the last post!
Heather asked, “Are you including every point in time pre-birth/placement as part of the decision making phase?”
Yes, pre-birth, yes. Because once the baby is born, a woman will have to remake her decision.
Now this doesn’t mean that we can’t take a woman at her word who believes wholeheartedly that she will place. It means that adoption professionals and other professionals who may be working with a woman who is facing a crisis pregnancy need to understand that adoption decisions pre-birth are not set in stone and need to counsel with that in mind.
The video I linked to in the last post, the target audience for it is not expectant mothers or hopeful adoptive parents; the target audience is professionals who may come across a pregnant woman considering her options. It’s part of a training program to inform professionals who will be counseling these women and the target audience is professionals who likely get their adoption information from the same pop culture that most of us do. Is there anything in this video to undo biases and myths? Does it help those professionals understand the complexities of domestic adoption? No and no. I mean, there’s no nuance. (How much can I expect from a short shockwave video? Maybe too much, I know.) (As an aside it’s possible that the Infant Adoption Awareness Training is more inclusive than just pushing the idea of adoption. I don’t know. I’d like to get to a training to see.)
My feelings about the video are likely also colored by the birthparent.us site operated by the same agency. On the page “Is Adoption Right for Me?” the agency offers a series of questions that on the surface look helpful:
- What are my financial resources? What is my level of income?
- What are my emotional resources? Who will support me during this pregnancy?
- Who will emotionally support me if I parent my child?
- Where would I live if I choose to parent my child? Do I have room in my home if I choose to parent my child?
I mean, you gotta ask yourself these questions, right? But then:
- What are the potential gains for my self if I choose adoption?
- What are the potential losses for my self if I choose adoption?
- What are the potential gains for others if I choose adoption?
(Emphasis mine.) There’s no flip side. It’s not all that subtle (but subtle enough) that the push is towards adoption; the same goes for the video. Maybe they’d argue that the parenting gains are obvious? I don’t know.
I was going to link this tomorrow (because I’m lazy and tired and don’t have the emotional energy to do commentary) but I’m very interested in the training being done by Spence-Chapin, which looks similar but not. (Can you tell I’m doing preliminary research for an article pitch? Why yes, I am.) In their professional information training they go about things differently. I’m going to quote at length here but I encourage folks to check out the whole article. Basically the current adoption counseling (as evidenced by this video) done by lots (most?) agencies/attorneys frames the discussion the first way mentioned in the quote below: Let’s talk about all your reasons for adoption. That’s an adoption bias. I don’t think it’s always intentional. I think much like the family planning counselor who write the piece quoted below, the adoption professionals are very often going on what the woman is stating: I need to plan an adoption. This is the same way the counselor used to start with the woman’s statement: I need to have an abortion. “And we’d go on to talk about all the reasons why.” Now read the piece below and imagine how this perspective might change pre-placement counseling.
As a family planning counselor, a long time ago in a land far away, I would bring patients at our abortion clinic to our little interview room. And after asking a few questions about the circumstances of their pregnancy and their support system, I would come to “the question,” which was always a variation on this: “So, you basically have three options at this point– you can continue with the pregnancy, you can place for adoption, or you can have an abortion. Can you tell me a little bit about your thinking right at this minute around those choices?” And, 99% of the time, they would say something like “I need to have an abortion.” And we’d go on to talk about all of the reasons why.
And while there is nothing wrong with going about the options conversation in this way, last week we explored some ideas for doing things a little differently– especially with those patients who were facing some degree of uncertainty about their decision. One of the participants suggested that perhaps this question could be about loss, because whatever option our conflicted patient ultimately landed on, she would be facing some form of significant loss as a result, without a way to get around it. We reasoned that it might make more sense to ask our patients which type of loss would be most manageable for them: that of a termination, an adoption or the loss of parenting? For a woman who is pregnant unintentionally, an abortion can mean the loss of her idea of herself as someone who would never have one (or maybe someone who could have one abortion, but not two!); or the grief of losing the pregnancy that is growing inside of her (even if she feels clear about her decision); the loss of a relationship with a partner, parent or friend because of her decision. For the woman who chooses adoption: she loses the opportunity to be a parent in the traditional sense to her child who she carried for nine months and gave birth to; she loses the chance for her children to be siblings and parents to be grandparents in the traditional sense to this child. Adoption can also mean giving up a life unencumbered by thoughts about the child and questions: “Is he happy, healthy, safe?” “Does he wonder about how I could do this?” For those who choose to parent, many grapple with tangible losses—employment, savings, education, a partner. But the other types are less visible and often more difficult to talk about– the loss of a particular future; the loss of one’s very clear ideas about how and when one will have children; the loss of independence and freedom; and sleep.
Back to the question. I do see all pre-birth counseling as part of the decision making and I think that the counseling needs to hit restart once the baby is born (not for every woman, mind you but the adoption professional should be prepared to go over it all again). And again, there needs to be a change in perspective post-birth but pre-placement from “You must do an adoption plan, remember your decision and let’s list why again” to “Now that you have met your baby and are cognizant of the loss in a way you were not before, let’s revisit your choices.”
If the agency is going to focus on planning an entrustment ceremony and on coping with the grief BEFORE the baby is born (and these are not bad things in and of themselves) shouldn’t they also help a woman come up with a plan for parenting just in case? If they’re helping her imagine her life as a birth mother, shouldn’t they also invite her to imagine her life as a parenting mother without hammering on, “Can you really afford diapers???”
They could say, “Now we know that X number of women change their minds once they meet their babies. I know you feel strongly that you won’t but let’s consider if you did. What might that look like?” Then they could answer some theoretical questions like where do you get a carseat? (I think agencies ought to have them on hand, honestly.) And what happens to adoptive parents who don’t go home with a baby? (Because it weighs on too many expectant parents revisiting their decision.)
This is more than Heather asked so I should have just said, yes, I’m including every point in time pre-birth/placement as part of the decision making phase.
Possibly related posts:
Thanks for answering my question so extensively.
I think I’ve always thought of there being three decision-making phases, instead of two. Something like this:
(1) Decision making –> tentative decision to place –> (2) preparation based on initial decision coupled w/continued review of decision –> birth –> (3) more decision making –> final decision
I would think there would need to be some way to talk about adoption-related grief in the time between the initial tentative decision to move toward adoption and the post-birth re-decision. There would hopefully be a way to both prepare support systems in the possible event of placement, while still not slipping into the trap of “you are making an adoption plan therefore you are already a birthmother, case closed.” A way to emotionally and practically explore placing while still treating it as just one possibility.
I think I was reading you earlier as saying there should be no emotional preparation done prior to the birth. Which seemed like it would leave someone a little high and dry if they did decided to place in the end. But instead you’re saying (I think) that any emotional preparation for placing should always carry with it/be reflecting parenting as an equally live possibility. Which I agree with 100%.
This comes across like I’m arguing with you, but I’m actually saying, “Yes! Exactly.” To both posts.
It feels weird to be analyzing this as an a-parent who has never faced this particular decision, so I’ll stop now.
(This was, BTW, a big point of tension between Beth and her social worker. And between Beth and me. Because B wanted to decide early on and be done and get on with being “just a birth mom” long before F was born. And she often felt that no one was letting her do that.)
As the kids say when sharing a feeling of agreement, “I get you.”
This was also a point of tension with Pennie and I think about it a lot because now looking back, she doesn’t remember a lot of the discussion about parenting, which tells me that it’s especially difficult to hear when one feels firm in one’s decision, which also tells me that it needs to be that much more explicit AND needs to be revisited explicitly post-birth, pre-placement. It would have made a difference and I think about that A LOT.
I think if you’re not miffed at your counselor at least some of time, they’re not doing a very good job. The whole point is for them to push you smack dab into your internal tension points, right?
Beth still rolls her eyes over some of it. (And obviously we’re not very far out post-placement.) But she’s expressed gratefulness for the ways she pressed her to identify as F’s mom and explore that in different ways. It’s cheesy, but she says it would have been like saying good-bye without ever saying hello.
Oops, on my last comment? I think I meant I FEEL you. See, I can’t even get my contemporary slang right! I AM SO OLD!
Teacher Todd always tries to keep me up with the talk of the yutes, but it’s a giant failure. I’m so out of date, I’m still wrapping my mind around “sick”=good.
I haven’t adopted nor placed (nor am I looking to do so, at least not now) but I am interested in these issues and I read your blog regularly. But I am not an expert by any means.
HOWEVER, I have a problem with the question about the baby having a room as a key question for an expectant mother to consider in her decision to place.
I am expecting in a month or so–I am married with a child already, and I don’t think by any measure we would qualify as needy in economic terms–and we don’t have a room for our new baby. We’ll figure out how sleeping arrangements go as time unfolds and we’ll make do in the meantime.
How can having a dedicated room be a consideration for whether or not to place or parent your child? Because I don’t have a room for my child I am to feel that my resources are inadequate to parent?
Am I missing something somewhere? If I am, please tell me, because I find this consideration highly inappropriate.
I’m with you. It’s a classist and … what’s the word for being culturally insensitive? assumption. Babies don’t NEED their own rooms and so I think part of the discussion about parenting could be about questioning one’s assumptions. (We brought Noah home to a one room apartment with a used portacrib. He survived.)
I wonder if you are leaving out, overlooking the fact that the “tentative decision to place” is often not done by the mother but by her parents, her church, her maternity home wardens, etc. My fear is that you and your commentors are assuming perfect world, in that the mothers decision to place is entirely her own without coercion, intimidation, etc. from others. Not always the case.
I believe before that “tentaive” decision is made, the mother should be removed from all other pressures and it should be her decision. (I hate saying removed because that implies isolation..but hopefully you know what I mean).
There is an excellent neuroscientist that spoke on expectant mothers state of mind, body chemistry, processing and essentially recommended, strongly urged, that mothers make NO decisions until they are no longer pregant. Interesting research. I should dig it up. I heard him speak at a conference years ago. (And yes, his name escapes me at the moment)
Failed to add that I also agree that asking anyone about a room, is a ridiculous, coercive, intimidating tactic.
Guess what? I know an adoptive couple that adopted an Easter house child and had NO ROOM for the baby. They lived in a one bedroom room walkup in Queens. The crib was in the living room. Imagine that mothers suprise when she finds out that the apartment she lived in (and paid for herself) before her child was born was nicer and bigger than where her child was sent to live. (True story. A reunion I facilitated)
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