Madison is mad at me because a few weeks ago I told her we were going to go meet some other black kids who are adopted and have white parents. Only the playgroup got rained out.
We went last year but hadn’t been back since. You know how it is — Saturdays get busy what with soccer and playdates and family dates and, well, they get busy.
Like that’s an excuse.
Madison is still mad and she has every right to be.
“I don’t like being the only black person in this family!” she’s been saying. “It is LONELY!”
She’s tired of not matching us. She’s tired of being the only brown person and not just in our family.
“At the pool?” she told Noah after a trip to the swim club in Clintonville. “There were NO OTHER BLACK KIDS!”
Then the other day while playing with her Fisher-Price people she suddenly came over and thrust one into my face.
“There are no black people in here,” she told me. “Get some!”
We’ve been driving to a park where there are only other black kids and Hispanic kids and she has been in heaven. It’s not as close as the track but it’s near enough and Brett and I can take turns running on the trails while the other one watches Maddie plays tag and hide-and-seek.
The last time we were there I pointed out to Noah that he was the only white kid on the playground.
“Well, that feels weird now that you said that,” he said. “But I hadn’t noticed it before.”
“Madison notices,” I told him. “Imagine how it feels to be her.”
He grimaced.
I emailed the Daisy Scouts people and asked about troops in the neighborhood over the way where my sister lives and where her white family is in the minority. They said they’d get back to me as we got closer to fall. Madison doesn’t want to wait.
“I want some black friends now!”
But she really wants black friends with white parents because she needs other people who get it.
Which is why we’re writing the next IFIF meeting in ink on our calendar. I think five years is a long enough time to fail her, right?
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You’ve done right by her in leaving her comfortable enough to express this (not that I think it would be easy for anyone to keep Madison from speaking her mind) but it must be frustrating for her. I sort of wondered if our visit would prompt any racial uneasiness for her about families that are more mixed than hers (if she even thought of us that way) but I’m sure her needs for peer relationships are extra important. I’m glad she’s getting to have places where she can connect with other non-white kids.
She didn’t say anything about you or Lee, which surprised me because it’s been on her mind so much lately. Usually I only notice her noticing other kids who are black, not so much with grown-ups and this may be because we have more black grown-ups in our lives than black kids, which is something I just realized typing this. Hmmm.
I think she needs some black girlfriends and I’m really counting on Daisy Scouts to help make this happen!!!!!
LOL! Poor Madison, I’ve felt like the one chip in the milk tons of times.
You know you guys are always welcome to our house to play with our girls or we can meet out too in the middle of the distance.
She cracks me up because she’s so militant sounding about it – reminds me of me!
Terreece, we should have moved to the east side only I was thinking about Noah’s homeschool group. Maybe someday — it’d be a lot easier for Madison then!!!
One of the main reasons we felt equipped to adopt a Black child was that we live in a predominately Black neighborhood, and our kids go to a 95% Black school. Trixie is the one who gets her hair touched all the time by kids who think it’s exotic; but she also noticed recently, at an expensive private Quaker school where a friend of hers was in the school play, that there were only two Black kids in the play. She brought it up on her own when I asked if she wished she went to a school like that: “It did look like a lot of fun. But mom, there were only two Black kids in the whole show!”
Micah rarely talks about race, and never in the context of missing something; the vast majority of the people he sees in his every day life are Black. But this is a mixed blessing; the boys playing gangsters with plastic automatic weapons and plastic pellets; the young men drinking 40 ounces on the stoop at noon; the domestic violence; the vulgar language and the graphic music — these things hardly outweigh the amazing neighbors and role models and friends we have here, but honestly, sometimes I have fantasies of sending him off to a Quaker boarding high school in Iowa, to get him back in touch with what I feel quite certain are his agrarian roots.
Sorry to ramble in your comments — I’m questioning a lot of things right now, including what exactly it means, anyway, to be Black.
I’m glad you’re finding what Madison needs. You’re so incredibly good at that — what a lucky family you all are to have one another!
You know I’m ready to have a traveling playdate, right??? What’s halfway between here and there?
Is Madison online at all? Peyton has Skyed with Grandma, and has been dying to get an email. Pen pals?
I know these are quick fixes and don’t address the larger issues, but…
While Peyton doesn’t have the “don’t match” issues, we definitely are experiencing adoption-related issues.
*hugs*
Noah’s online but not Madison! We should talk sometime. Roadtrip!! Are you going to the adoption and culture conference next year maybe?
Also a friend of mine who is getting divorced was really grateful when I gave him your web site. He’s encouraged to know that there are resources for parents who want to figure out a way to have a good divorce because all he’s hearing are horror stories. Your book is really going to be a big deal for people and hot on the heels of No One’s the Bitch, I think it’s a great time to be doing it. You can get Jeremy Adam Smith to write something, too, about dads getting left out of the discussion (he’s promoting his Daddy Dialectic book right now — I should facebook intro you!)
Thanks for the heads up about Jeremy (we’re now Friends!) and No One’s the Bitch–wow, hadn’t heard of them!
I’m not going to the conference this year, but would love to get together elsewhere.
Let’s talk soon about an online/pen pal connection in the meantime.
Peyton has lamented that a white family didn’t adopt her (long story!)…so this should be interesting!
Dawn, you should move to DC. I dropped Claire off at school the other day and looked around and she is the only white girl in her entire class. The parents are all shapes, sizes, colors, and so are the kids. It’s so great, I love my kids’ school and I love DC for that reason! I do talk to a lot of Claire’s parents’ friends who have issues with their children not looking like them (because of interracial marriage mostly, but a couple of adoptions) and they only experience it on vacation, never in and around DC. It’s so much a part of the landscape here, I don’t even notice it any more.
I have friends who transracially adopted and who are lesbians and who LOVE DC and want to live there someday for all of those reasons! But we’d never move cuz our family (including Pennie) is here. And Columbus has the diversity we need — we just haven’t been great about getting it to her.
Aww…the color of your skin isn’t failing her! While I can’t equalize racial differences to other differences (has glasses or not, computer or not, pet or not), comparisons are a huge part of the 5 year old development process. They want to be like everyone else and also unique. It’s a struggle most of us carry through adulthood.
No, the color of my skin isn’t failing her but not giving her better access to her community is. This is definitely more than the alike/different discussion — she wants some black friends and she’d particularly love it if they had white parents so she wouldn’t feel like odd girl out all the time. It really bothers her that Ginger and Maya look so much like THEIR mothers and she doesn’t look like me. (She is also very pleased to look just like Pennie but this is an entirely different thing in her mind.)
Failing her would be telling her her feelings have no validity and to just get over it.
But it does sound like this needs to be on the front burner and how.
This made me cry.
Interestingly, in reverse, I have been very concious of my schooling choices for my sons. They go to schools where white is the minority. I dont mind this at all (and nor do they) but there are times when it is very obvious to me that my son is the token white boy. I dont point it out, for fear that doing so will make him notice something he doesnt notice. Or does he?
Sigh.
Hugs to Madison.
[...] That last post? I’m not looking for any pats on my head and I’m also not beating myself up. I haven’t worked hard enough at this. I’ve made half-assed attempts (including preschool) and when those didn’t get her the community I felt like she needed (she wasn’t expressing it yet), I quit looking (again because she wasn’t expressing it yet). I never did get her in dance class last year because I ended up getting a job and my schedule went to hell. I mean, I have plenty of excuses but Madison is not interested in hearing my excuses. [...]
I’m a fellow adoptive Mama… my daughter is Chinese and I’m Caucasian. She’s not quite 3 yet, and goes to daycare… has a 3 or 4 other races in her class, too… but I wonder if some day she’ll say something like this to me.
It is good that you are doing something about it now. You can’t change the past. And, btw, we all make mistakes.
Melissa
Hi Melissa! And welcome! The thing I think we white folks forget is that diversity is all well and good but our children want to see people who look like them. Which is to say, Madison certainly benefits from having Chinese friends and Hispanic friends, etc., but it diversity doesn’t take the place of being part of her community of African American people. She doesn’t want to BE the diversity — she wants to be surrounded by people who look like her. She wants to be around other black kids. So I think it’s great that your daughter has a diverse daycare classroom but likely there will come a time where she’d like to be around other Chinese kids, too.
I completely agree. Thankfully, there is a Families with Children from China (FCC) group that we can belong to (although, I haven’t gone yet)… mostly, I guess, because of time. I do know fellow adoptive parents with Asian children and we have playdates. Which I like. You’ve convicted me, though, and I think I will look into it more now!!
btw, I didn’t say I didn’t think our children needed to be around children that looked like themselves. But you bring up a good point. My daughter, Mia, does go to daycare with several children from different backgrounds, just not the same as hers. There is one teacher though, who is Asian. And, while being around specifically persons of Chinese descent, I do think it is very important for her to be around ALL people of color. Not just white or chinese.
I really enjoy reading your blog!!
Melissa
PS. my daughter’s best* friend is from Guatemala… now, *best at the age of 2, whatever that means, haha, but her Mom and I do play dates weekly. Her daughter and my daughter just love each other and are often confused for sister (i’m guessing the dark hair, because their actual coloring is different).
And I wanted to reiterate that I agree with you. I am sure that our children want to see other people that look like them. I’m going to try harder to make that happen.
Melissa
Hi Dawn!! Thanks for the welcome!!
I’m the white adoptive mom of 4 black kiddos. And while we are from a more diverse area, we have had to live in more rural and white areas the last couple of years due to schooling.
I was just in the midst of a conversation like this with my daughter (5 yr old) this past week. She doesn’t want to be brown anymore. She doesn’t want to have black hair. She wants her hair down from her braids like mine so she can brush it whenever she wants. No one else has brown skin! Well, her brothers and sister do, I argue. They don’t count she says. Matt has brown skin (her brother’s classmate who is Mexican). No he doesn’t, Mom!
I understand what you’re saying. My daughter want to have some black friends, some with white parents but (I’m guessing) also some with black parents. We’re glad to be moving back soon to our more diverse home!
I want my dd to feel comfortable in her skin & her beautiful hair!
Hi Dawn,
I just found your website from anti-racist parent. I can really relate – my son is almost 5 and he has been expressing some of the same things. We live in an area with very few black families and it seems like he is always the minority. We have had to be very intentional and I know what you mean about “life happening” and then realizing that time is passing while our kids are hurting.
It’s nice to meet you, Kristen! Your family is beautiful. What kind of psychotherapy do you practice?
Hi Dawn! I do primarily marital and family therapy, and sometimes some cog-be for individuals.