Work. Life. You know — the usual.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that my days as a true stay-at-home mom are over, never to return and grieving it hard. That’s not to say that I’m not grateful for work and mortgage payments and the ability to bring income to our household but man, I loved the season of being at the beck and call to my children alone. I mean, I’ve been working from home for years but this is a true 40+ hour a week job and even if I’m telecommuting three of those days, it’s a job. An actual job with a schedule and time constraints.
I’ve been trying very hard to ignore my sadness about said job because like I said, I’m so grateful for it (I really am) but I realized ignoring my sadness isn’t doing me much good so now I’m letting it out here on blog where I’ve been putting on a happy face as best I can for awhile.
So …
I’m having a tough time. I miss being a stay-at-home mother or at least having a stay-at-home spouse. I miss being able to playdate at will, fieldtrip at will, clean my house in a timely and efficient manner, grocery shop on whatever day groceries need to be bought, etc. I know this is extra-whiny because I’m damn lucky that for more than a decade I got to do those things but I miss doing them now. And goddamn but I miss having time to write. Because this full-time job is sucking up all the precious brainspace in my head and I haven’t written at all since I started (not counting occasional book reviews and heck, even this blog has suffered).
Thinking about how UNhappy some of this makes me is also making me think about things I can do to bring the happy back but it’ll be awhile because there are some obstacles I can’t get into here being sensitive and stuff (for now).
Anyway. I’m having a tough time of it, tougher than I’ve let on and it’s one reason you haven’t been hearing from me as much.
Ah well.
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Yeah, this working mom stuff is damn hard–sorry you’re having such a time with it and hope you can work yourself into some kind of happy groove with it soon.
I’m sorry it’s hard, and I’m glad you shared! I’m a firm believer in the power of venting.
And I completely understand being sad about the poopy lining in the silver cloud.
I thought we’d hear this from you ages ago and was starting to get a complex. I’d be like, but DAWN isn’t complaining, she’s juggling it all and DAWN is still writing in her blog, even though it’s not as often…
So, I’m glad to find that you are only human but sad that you’re sad. It sucks in a lot of ways.
Ally, I felt (feel) bad bitching when I know so many people who are out of work and struggling. I know how fortunate I am to be working right now (may the job remain funded!!!) but I’m still kinda miserable.
I don’t think missing your life as a stay-at-home mom makes you ungrateful at all for your job. If anything, it makes you human and like the rest of us moms, trying to keep it together and our family moving however we possibly can. And we might do it through smiles or tears, but we do find a way to do it in the end!
Yes, some people don’t have jobs, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be sad that you have a job and grateful that you have a job at the same time. You are a complex woman of mystery, not to be pigeon-holed! It sucks. And it’s good to pay the bills. But it sucks.
Yeah, this is me too. Except I hate my job. It’s kind of nice to know that others feel the same way, y’know?
i’m really sorry. i’ve been there. i hope it gets better sooner than later. let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.
As someone who has faced similar transitions in the last two years-
word.
Aww, my dear [BIG virtual hug here, from a misty eyed friend]…
I understand and I DREAD the day I will be in the same position. This day might be nearer that I think if we don’t sell this house. Just thinking of it makes me die inside a little (well, maybe a lot). Whine, vent all you want. Especially if it’ll make you feel a tiny bit better.
I hope you can find more positives and concentrate on them, but I know from experience that grieving takes long and has tiring ups and downs.
And, you know, you’re not only lucky, you’re BRAVE that you’ve been able to put your kids and family first and stay working at home all those years.
I will be thinking of you, and hoping against all hope that I won’t be next…
Oh, wow do I get this. Changes for me last April when we moved the business into a real office. I felt lucky to be able to go somewhere to work, but missed doing the laundry to. I think the reason was that I had found my groove – my complicated groove that allowed me to be a working-stay-at-home-mom who felt pretty lucky and even a little smug, too. I miss those days. I’m with ya.
I think anyone should be able to understand that most of use mourn transitions. But I get the happy face, especially with this economy.
My son coming home in his t-ball uniform and the baby flirting with weaning…a weaning I am OK with in the abstract. But wow, they are growing up. And I can’t even think how much my 7 year old is growing up.
I am starting to worry about missing being at home before I even find a job, just knowing I am looking. Oh elusive part-time balance!
Wishing you lots of love. And the space to vent and complain to find the next normal.
I hope you write more about this–both to help yourself and because I think this is topic we need to hear more about. I struggle each term with how much to teach and what that means for our family dynamic and what not working/working means to my mothering style. And it’s hard. And it’s more than okay to talk about it, and as self-reflective and eloquent as you are, I can’t wait to hear more about your take on it.
From a sister telecommuter a few states away. It has gotten better for me over time as I get better at figuring out clever ways to fit it all in. (For example, I clean windows and bathrooms while listening in on some types of conference calls. This kind of mindless multitasking actually improves information retention, I am told.) Keep the faith. Keep the priorities straight. And glad I stumbled upon your blog. Looking forward to many more posts about how it’s going. (By the way, you’ve encouraged me to be a little more willing to vent in this crazy blogosphere that I’m just wandering into.)
I’m sorry. It is hard. I’ve been seesawing back and forth between contracting and being home, and I have envy and regrets both ways.
I love the line “you are a complex woman of mystery who can’t be pigeonholed.” I think that about sums it up.
I think it would be strange if you weren’t mourning all those things you’ve had to let go. Those are huge, huge things. The balance between work and family is so elusive, no matter how satisfying or needed the job is.
Hang in there–I hope it all feels easier very, very soon.
Sorry to hear that things aren’t al smooth sailing. But, the “other people are out of work, I can’t complain” never rung true to me. Yeah, you shouldn’t complain to the people you know who are actually out of work and suffering for it. But, not be allowed to complain because others are worse off, means never complaining at all, which means pretending everything is always fine, which can’t be good.
I do hope that the venting helps you “see some things you can do to bring the happy back”, though.
PS: Can I vent that I’m upset that other people get cuter automatic icons than I do? I like Lilian, Yondala’s and wavybrain’s icons way better than mine
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Dawn– I am going to be full-time next year at the job I’ve had for the past two years I haven’t blogged about this yet, but it’s official) and I’m feeling some of the same mourning over the increasing loss of flexibility. I love my job and am excited about the transition, but I can’t lie– one of the big pluses of teaching for me is that in the summertime, I get to relive that flexibility again, that sense of open, unscheduled time stretching before me…
Then it all comes screaming to a halt in September, of course!
I so remember that rocky transition from being at home full time to working outside of the home. It is probably the hardest transition I’ve faced, and it took me a long while to find the balance I’m now happy with. (Happy with most of the time, that is.) Vent here all you want. We’re here to support and commiserate and help each other remember that we’re not alone in this big world.
Oh Dawn, I’m sorry it’s so hard, which of course – thinking about it – it would be. I hadn’t really registered before just what a full-time job it really is. Even working my two and a half days I miss the freedom of being full-time at home – not just to do things, as you say, but also to use my brain the way *I* want to.
Sometimes when I think about (possibly) not getting to have another child, the idea that I will never get another year of maternity leave creates almost as much sadness as the idea of not having another baby.
And any major life change – which this really is – involves some grieving for the part of life that has passed, I think, though some changes are much easier than others of course.
Anyway, it will get easier over time, but in the mean time… well, I just hope it gets easier soon for you.