Behavior I regret

So someone on facebook asked this, “I wonder, do you feel bad when Pennie buys her Maddie her first bike, does it take away from you when she is at the party, does it hurt you when Tommy buys the birthday dress?”

And to answer that I have to tell you a terrible but true story about myself.

I have always been a jealous person and when Noah came along I was a very jealous mother especially when it came to my mother-in-law. She was so happy to have a grandson (she has three boys so a new baby boy was a special joy to her — plus he was the first grandchild) and they flew out to meet him when he was six weeks old. She couldn’t get off the plane and over to him fast enough — she was in love with him before she ever met him.

And I hated it. I didn’t want her to hold him. I didn’t want her to cuddle him when he cried. He was mine mine mine mine and I wouldn’t let her forget it.

When we moved back she bought him a hand-made wooden ark (‘cuz he’s Noah — get it?) for Christmas. It was much more of an ark than we could afford and I was insane with jealousy because *I* was going to get him his heirloom quality wooden ark. *I* was going to give him the beautiful toy that he would hand down to his children. ME. His MOTHER (oh and his dad) and I was PISSED. I mean, I was so mad I could barely look at her and eventually things came to a head and there was yelling and tears and misery. And she said, “I’m just so afraid you’re going to take him away from me!” Which was, of course, exactly what I was trying to do.

I don’t know why I was such a selfish, insecure mother but I was. I saw her caring for him as some kind of competition that I might lose and I’m not sure what changed — it was too gradual for me to point to one thing — but it has and now I’m really ashamed of the hell I put her through those first couple of years.

Thing is, I didn’t grow up around grandparents so I didn’t really have a model for sharing. My dad traveled and my mom was our be all and end all and I guess I thought it wasn’t possible for my son to love me and anyone else (particularly any other mother figure). I wasn’t as jealous with my mom because she was MY mom but Brett’s mom? I couldn’t get it through my head that even though I wasn’t related to her, Noah was and that getting in the way of their relationship was denying him access to his family.

But it did sink in. My mom talked to me (she felt so bad for Pam!) and Pam was patient. Brett did the best he could but I am a force to be reckoned with when I’m having a fit. Still, I couldn’t ignore how much his grandparents meant to him. How important it was to have these other allies while he was growing up — people who could also love him unconditionally and, unlike his parents, weren’t invested in making him rinse his dinner dishes or put his socks away.

I came around. Eventually. And when I did, I realized how much I’d tried to take from Noah by getting in the way of his (emphasis on HIS, NOT MINE) relationship with his grandmother. Because, as much as I couldn’t bear the thought at first, it had nothing to do with me.

It seems so stupid now — I don’t know how I didn’t see it. But now it’s so obvious to me that more love is more love and that even if I’m not the one handing over the big gift, I get to witness the joy it brings and that memory lasts a lot longer than any credit I was trying to take before.

Sure, I have twinges. I do. The first time my inlaws did an egg hunt that dwarfed our own I winced a little. But then I watched the kids running around with their baskets and got over myself. That night, tucking them in and listening to them wax on about the Best Easter Ever, I just felt lucky that I got to be a witness.

Likewise with Pennie. Have I winced a little before? Yeah, sure. She does things differently than I might do them and sometimes I catch myself making note of it but I’ve got enough experience in this mothering gig to know that sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your kid is get out of the way and let other people do the loving.

Once I let myself see the rewards, I wondered how I could have missed them before. The grandparents? No one could love my kids more except the youngest one’s birth mother. It is a beautiful thing to catch the eye of someone who is as crazy about your kid as you are and to exchange a smile because the little one is so damn cute. Watching Madison laugh with Pennie does my heart good — it fills it up in places I didn’t know were empty. Because it fills Madison up and I’m no longer the kind of mother who is petty enough to resent that.

The other thing is that in the intricacies of adoption in particular, that filling up seems even more vital. To be able to say, “My birth mama bought me my very first two wheeler” seems a thing of special beauty and importance. *I* can’t give that to her. I mean, I could buy a bike for her but only Pennie can give it to her with the special weight of her particular love. I know how blessed our family is to have that love present and how fortunate Noah, Brett and I are to get to be a part of it and to be witnesses to it. (Even Noah gets what a big deal it is.)

So to the bike and the dress — no, both those things were more than cool with both Brett and me and in fact, our pillow talk that night was an awful lot about how good it is to see Pennie and Madison celebrate each other. When we realized Madison had grown out of her bike, we gave Pennie a heads up since we felt like since she was the one to get her the first one, she might want to be the person to get her the upgrade. And the dress was a surprise but a happy one. It was a beautiful dress and honestly I’m so dang cheap that I wouldn’t have thought of it (because I would have bought something more practical).

Fortunately Madison got me after my mother-in-law did the hard work of breaking me in because the woman I was when Noah was small? She couldn’t have adopted in an open adoption. Ask my mom — she’ll tell you!!

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5. A conversation