I’ve been a work-at-home mother in earnest for about six or seven years. I dabbled before and I’ve had quieter times some years/months than others but since 2002ish I’ve been making a decent-sized to full-time contribution to our family’s finances.
Am I proud of that? Oh hell yeah. Very proud. But somedays (today) I am also very tired.
I’m not quite a working mother because I do most of my work from home. But I’m not quite a stay-at-home mom either because I’ve got responsibilities that go beyond my family sphere.
Because I’m the one home and because I generally like it and am good at it, I’m also the one responsible for most of the family meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking. And here may I give a shout out to my trusty crockpot, without which my family would eat a lot less healthfully and for much more expense. We buy few packaged or processed foods and so I also do a lot of baking and snack prep. Being the one closest to the kitchen most days, I handle breakfast and lunch.
We split the difference in housekeeping but the day-to-day picking up falls to me because that’s the reality — if I’m the one tripping over it then I’m the one either picking it up to put it away or I’m the one hollering at one of the kids to do it.
Speaking of kids, I do the bulk of the raising of them. Again, it’s all about proximity. When Brett’s home it’s an even split with allowances made for other responsibilities like budgeting (Brett) and never-ending laundry (me, because Brett has ruined too many of my cold-wash only clothes). Also I tend to work in the evenings, which means Brett usually gets small people ready for bed although I’ll come by for a story and snuggle.
We are both crazy-busy. Brett works ten hour days most days and I work in bits and pieces all day and into most evenings. Our kitchen floor is sticky and the dishes tend to pile up. We should dust more and the vacuum seems to spend more time in the closet than it should. We both have occasional clothes crises when we realize someone has run out of socks. Our life is nuts.
Most of the time I’m fine with the way things are. I’m pretty smug with all we manage to get done on a day-to-day basis. We’re an at-home, working, homeschooling family and somehow we manage to do it and every one is clothed and fed and attended to. Lately I’ve even managed to get on the elliptical trainer three or four days a week. We rock!
But oh lord, we are so tired.
The summer before this I went to visit a friend who is at-home with two kids — both schoolaged although it was summer so they were home. She also has a weekly housekeeper and money to burn, which means that stopping for a pizza on busy girl scout’s night is no big deal. They have a big, sunny, spotless house and visiting her is a little like a mini-vacation to me.
My friend is a lovely person, committed to homemaking in the best sense — decorations for every major holidays, personally packed lunches with a note tucked behind the thermos, fresh cookies and milk every afternoon — and then she got an offer to do a volunteer project that she really wanted. It was a big project but nothing beyond the order of chairing a PTA fundraiser. I mean, she’d have to scrap less for a couple of months, maybe stop for that pizza one night more. And the pay-off would be totally worth it.
“But Dawn!” she said. “How on earth will I have time?”
And I laughed and laughed and laughed and then I saw she was serious and I told her she’d figure it out. But really I was thinking that maybe I was the wrong person to ask because from my vantage point she had nothing but time. I mean, if I had her kind of time (and a housekeeper to boot), I could have written twelve books by now.
But on the way home (still chuckling in my car) I realized that this is one of the mixed blessings of having to work and having a family — you really find out how much you can get done when you just have to do it.
Anyway. I’m tired today and the kids were obnoxious so I’m looking at staying up late banging on my keyboard. I’m feeling a little sorry for myself (especially because I had to turn down a couple of fun social events for which my schedule would NOT make way). My working life doesn’t always comfortably make room for the primacy and urgency of my home life and my at-home world doesn’t always understand the primacy and urgency of my working life. In a lot of ways — and most days I can see it like this — I feel like I have the best of both worlds but in a few other ways — and it happens today I’m seeing more of this — I feel like I can’t get my head above water.
Here’s what I know though, having been down this road before: I’m still learning this job and I’m pretty hard on myself to be on the ball right away so I’m wasting a lot of energy kicking myself for not already being at 100%. Likewise, when I feel down about one thing I tend to visit my bad mood on every little aspect of my life. So not only do I suck at my job (only I don’t — I know this objectively) but I’m a terrible mother ruining my kids with my neglect (only remember I’m a fan of benign neglect) and I miss all the fun (because of the two missed social engagements even though there is plenty of social fun in my life). I have to remember the parenthetical truths and dismiss the paranoia. It’s hard though — wallowing is so much easier.
(Writing this all down made me feel better so y’all can hold off on the virtual hugs. Now I’m kind of embarrassed to hit post but I’m going to in the interest of honesty even when it’s whiny.)
The honesty of this post is awesome! I think we all have those days, no matter where we are on the pendulum of work/home/life balance.
And good for you for getting on the elipticle trainer! Even if I had the time, that wouldn’t be something I’d be chosing!
This is *exactly* how I feel today! I often envy the people I know who are just stay at home moms. But then I remember that the grass is always greener on the other side – some are probably envious that I have meaningful work to do. So it goes…
Hey, at least you HAVE a social life!!
no virtual hugs, I understand. Would a drill sergeant response…something along the lines of “suck it up!” be helpful? Hope to see you Thurs.
Man can I relate this week! There is never enough time or money. Something always has to give. And I say that knowing that I have more childcare and 1 less child than you.
I hear you, she says, as she gets ready to collapse.
I wish I had written this first (and as well).
I can’t even imagine working in or out of the home on top of what I do at home-so I really don’t know how working parents like you do it! We missed you tonight! We’ll be there Friday to help with the dishes, don’t sweat it!! I have Planet Boy B for our little break dancers to watch, while we mingle.
A little wallowing never hurt anything, and look how much better you felt by the end of the post. Wallowing is called for in this case. And then, because you’re you, you pick yourself up out of the mud and get going. And we all love you for it.
I hear you, and I’m there too. (and I’m still wallowing this morning).
When I get as busy and tired as you sound, what always goes is my mental health and thus my ability to parent well. Being over-tired and over-busy is such a trigger for anxiety and depression for me … I have some regrets that I can’t pull it all off with the sort of equanimity and grace that you and many other of my working/parenting friends do — there are things out in the world I would love to be able to do — but the trade-off is that I rarely feel stretched thin. Everything is a trade-off, isn’t it?
I’m well past the child rearing stage, all my kids are grown. But I can clearly remember the exhaustion, the endless ‘to do’ lists, and all the commitments. [And I couldn't have made it without my toaster oven.]
But when I think back over those years, my biggest regret was not taking more ‘lil small moments’ to enjoy what I had and what I was accomplishing.
Time fly’s Dawn…and before you know it those moments will be gone and the kids will be away at college or overseas, or somewhere else.
Oh…and clearly if you are a mom that’s JOB #1, anything else just adds to the work load. And forget about reaching 100%, sounds like you already reached it and are steadily moving up into the Greater Beyond.
Anyway. stop beating yourself up…you seem to be a great mom…give yourself a HUG!!! 80)
I need some crockpot recipes. Fer realz.
I just made one last night that was really good (because some of them take so much cooking that it’s hardly worth it except that I have more time to cook in the morning than I do at dinner time when everyone is crazy)!! It’s just:
4 cups chix or veggie broth
3 sliced carrots
2 sliced celery stalks
1 onion
1 diced green apple (forgot this, oops)
1 garlic clove, minced
1 tablespoon fresh minced ginger root
1 tablespoon curry powder
1 cup lentils (they said 1/2 cup orange lentils but I used 1 cup green lentils)
Stick it all on high for 4 to 6 hours or on low for 8 to 10. Serve with sour cream of plain yogurt. Everyone ate it (I served it over brown rice with pitas). I have a lot of lentil recipes but seems like only some of my people like this one or that one so I was pleased that everyone said they liked this one. Then again I was cussing and fussing so much yesterday, maybe they were just taking pity on me!!!
I really loved that 2nd to last paragraph…hit home for me. Umm…besides “benign neglect” I’m also a fan of temporary “wallowing”
In the past ten to fifteen years there have been times when we were both working outside the home,or one working while the other was studying (which is just as tiring…nothing like a partner writing reports and not being “present” although he/she is home) or like now, one working while one stays home and eats bon-bons (just kidding! I’m more partial to doughnuts) and looking back we are just grateful to have made it through…we do what we can and try not to indulge in guilt too much…because if we did we’d drive one another nuts w/ all the things we should have/could have done and didn’t because we just didn’t have the time or the money. The hard part is when I see others doing it differently or doing it ALL and I start to second guess myself…so now I just don’t visit friends w/ clean houses and lots of time to do everything!LOL
Hugs…you only have two hands and there is only one of you and from this side of the fence I’m actually quite impressed by what you DO get done!
I don’t so much work at home as from home. I have to take live customer calls, and try not to let them go to voicemail or rollover to the main office. This is good in some ways…I get a full time salary and the same benefits as an employee (though I am technically a contractor) and have made myself indispensable so am fairly secure, I don’t have to drive anywhere or get dressed or anything. But, I still have to ensure someone is caring for DS, as I can’t be both a full time parent AND a full time worker…a preschooler asking “why” a thousand times in a row and Noggin shows in the background is not professional when on the phone.
DH stayed home for almost 3 years, but took a position with a friend’s company recently. Luckily we have two grandmas happy to be his daycare providers nowadays.
So, I put on my work hat, and take off my mom and household manager’s hat, and don’t think about laundry and dinner and such during my “work hours”.
Anyway, it’s a tough balance, and I know that some people can’t find it and that working from/at home proves too difficult or even impossible. You seem to be doing it very well, just don’t have unreasonable expectations of yourself.
I’m so glad you posted this. I have been at home with my kids for years, though never a homemaker like you described, and always involved with lots of school projects up to and including PTA President. It *is* hard to imagine how to add in more, but we do. I am on the road to going back to work, hopefully part time, though that may not be an option. I *know* that when I do we will make it work. I know that is true. I also know that everything won’t get done – truthfully it doesn’t now.
But I also know that I will be so much more TIRED when I take on a paid commitment outside of my family, and that scares me. A lot.
So thank you for your honest post. Your description of your friend made me smile.