Comments on: I’ll get to the not adoption questions soon, I promise

By: Mei-Ling

Mei-Ling — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 02:15:57 +0000

“I just cringe when I hear of parents who try to pretend that the adoption didn’t happen. Or parents who stiffle/prevent their adopted children from searching about adoption.”

But that’s not how open or closed adoption works a lot of the time. I mean, yes – there are SOME APs who would like to pretend. But a lot of the AP forums I’ve lurked at DO happen to acknowledge there was another set of biological parents in the picture, even though it was [be]grudingly admitted. (Sorry, can’t remember the right word.)

Closed adoption is not necessarily just about pretending that the adopted child was born to the adoptive parents. It just means there’s no ongoing contact. I don’t see how you’re trying to interlink the points because I just haven’t heard of many people from TODAY’S generation who won’t even acknowledge the bio parents…

On another note – about the sibling thing. InMySeoul, you have heard my thoughts about this via e-mail. Growing up, I might have been happy to find out I had a sister, but it would have hurt me deeply to know I was the only one given up. It’s hard to say for sure how I would have reacted. But I daresay it would have made a profound difference…

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:01:17 +0000

InMySeoul, I think there’s a tendency to conflate reunion with open adoption. They are not the same. I appreciate that it’s difficult for an adopted person who has an essentially closed adoption to imagine how openness could work (one of my best friends — who is an adult adoptee — thinks it’s weird but is happy it works for us). You might as well say I should keep Madison from my parents just in case she doesn’t want to have a relationship with her grandparents. Open adoption is a whole different way of thinking.

(posted on blog and sent via email)

By: InMySeoul

InMySeoul — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:31:48 +0000

Dawn,
I’m not “arguing against openness” in adoptions. Im actually very much for it. I just cringe when I hear of parents who try to pretend that the adoption didn’t happen. Or parents who stiffle/prevent their adopted children from searching about adoption. I was just wondering if there were any potential negative impacts of having too much openess (if that makes sense?). I guess I’m looking more into degrees of openess.

Like I mentioned previously, one of the biggest questions/struggles adoptees face is “Why was I put up for adoption/orphanage?”. I am wondering if I saw my birth mother (with the two birth children she kept) would it be helpful or harmful? In my particular situation and just the way I react, I think it would have hurt me more than helped. I would struggle/battle internally why my birth mother can keep two children and yet let me go. Ive seen the reasons for this particular case, but it still would be of little comfort for me personally. Obviously each person reacts differently to these emotional conflicts, so I can only speak for how I might view this situation.

I didn’t have the exact words to explain #4 about the “forced” open relationship, which is why I put it in quotes. This is a very difficult position to discuss. What I mean is once you go down the road of a relationship or meeting with a birth mother you really can’t go back. I know this may sound weird but I just wrote about this subject on my blog. Like I said its a little weird. You may think to yourself why wouldnt someone always be frantically searching for their birth parents. I guess my response would be “I don’t know, but there are a lot of adoptees out there who aren’t”.

For me its not that I couldnt. My parents have always been open to the idea of helping me with this adventure. I am actually the one who has had to stop them and put everything on hold. This is really difficult to explain; but I am just not ready to potentially have a relationship with my birth mother.

I know you could argue that if I was raised in a fully open adoption that this wouldnt even be an issue. However, I really appreciate the fact that it has always been up to me on whether or not to have a relationship with my birth parents.

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:58:52 +0000

InMySeoul, I just read your blog and was impressed with how you are searching yourself too as you undertake this major search. My daughter is in the same position as you–so little documentation (born in China) but one day I wonder if there will be an opening for her to search or whether that process will prove simply maddening. We know the local orphanage where she was taken after being found, so we have some sense of location. I am totally leaving this up to her but drop hints now and then that it’s OK to wonder. I wouldn’t let Simone give up her Chinese citizenshup when she came to Canada, so we’ve already opened the discussion up that way. Good luck!

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:10:53 +0000

Hi "InMySeoul" -- first I have to apologize because I'm going to answer you before I've had my first cup of coffee, which pretty much guarantees typos. On to open adoption.

1. My daughter was not adopted at five with other issues that would necessarily take up her energy to adjust to it all. She was three days old when she came home to us. She grew up with openness so to her it's a natural state.

2. Research bears out the benefit of openness for adoptees. You can dig around here some if you like: http://cehd.umn.edu/fsos/Centers/mtarp/publications/publicationsArticles.asp I don't have time to get specific links.

3. I argue that growing with openness is much healthier, much less of a struggle than having it suddenly foisted upon you in reunion. Madison is able to process her reality within the loving support of her adoptive family and her birth mom much like kinship adoptions. There are no lies/denial here.

4. I take umbrage at the idea of "forced" openness because to me that's like saying I'm forcing Madison to have a relationship with, say, her brother. I mean, we're family. There's nothing forced about it.

(written on blog and sent via email)