Paragraphein asked: Do you think you’d be this secure about everything if you and Pennie had, oh, only annual visits? Or is the volume of visits integral to your comfort level?
Integral. It’s hard to get comfortable with someone if you rarely see them or if seeing them is a special event. At least it is for me. It’s why we moved back home to Ohio (because I was never comfortable with my grandparents and wanted Noah to be near his) and it’s one of the major reasons we wanted an in-state adoption. (And why I wanted an in-city adoption.)
I know Pennie might move someday (in fact, it’s pretty darn likely) but having her here now and having this much contact now will hopefully make it easier if/when she does move. But talking to her regularly, seeing her regularly — this has been very important to getting us to a place where we can be casual with each other. There’s just so much less pressure when we see each other because we’re not like, “Oh my god, it has to be perfect! I can’t screw up! We have to cram all of this togetherness in!” I mean, if someone is sick or something happens where one of us has to cancel, it’s no big deal because there’s always another day coming up.
I’d say that we talk at least every two weeks (sometimes more) and we see each other at least once a month (sometimes more). We have friends in common, we have acquaintances in common (Columbus is a small town) and it’s just easier to be a part of each other’s lives. (I can go hear her sing with her ex-boyfriend’s band, she can ask me to bring Madison by her job to show her off, she can call us if she needs a ride, etc.)
This is why I tell hopeful adoptive parents — you want a fully open adoption? Don’t do those across-state-line adoptions unless one or both of you are zillionaires and you have flexible schedule where you can jet off to see each other whenever you want. I’m not saying it’s impossible to have a great open adoption that way (folks who read me and have long-distance open adoptions can speak to that more than I can) but I do think that our proximity has made it easier for me.
Edited to add: It’s 1:45am and I’m wicked tired so likely missing typos but the other thing is that we are used to having Pennie be part of our family, too. We never have a time where we just start thinking of ourselves as insular because we are regularly living our open adoption so there isn’t any kind of wrench where we try to fit Pennie in to our thinking somehow, you know? She’s a part of our lives in reality, not just theory so we are used to our family configuration.
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hhmmm…. this gives me the idea that I should have tried harder and kept calling the adoptive mom. Maybe if I was more bold like Pennie then contact with my birthsons adoptive parents would be much better. I wonder if it would be a good idea it I moved closer to the adoptive parents. I live in the same province but not the same city as them. I know I have the right to move anywhere I want. I should just show up in their neighborhood one day, go to their church, maybe even get a job in the same workplace as the adoptive mom(she works in a bank, I could be a teller, its not much different than being a cashier). Maybe that would be too much and they would hate me, still I wonder if I could actually do that…naa, I am too scared to offend them.
We have fully open in two states (about a 12 hour drive or a 200.00 plane ticket). For us it is no different than our other out of state family and friends, in fact we see some of DS’s first family more than DHs parents and one of his sisters as well as my oldest friend in the world. DS’s grandparents see DS more than they see their own son, DS’s first dad.
We have three separate “legs” of first family…with their own internal dynamics that make it somewhat of a challenge…but we work it out. All have visited us several times, some many times, and this last Fall we drove to their state and made three stops in their respective cities to see everyone. We will be going back this summer for his first mom’s wedding, but will not be able to visit everyone as it is her special day and she wants her son to participate (maybe ring bearer
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We just had the first “meet us on vacation” visit with first mom last weekend for DS’s 3rd birthday, and it was a blast. We hope to do more of that now that DS is easier to travel with.
In short, for us it is about the communication and quality of time spent together, rather than frequency of face to face visits. But it’s all spontaneous and “what works for you?” rather than “Our scheduled visitation is in October and we will see you for one hour” or whatever crazy (to me) limits I have heard imposed within some so called open adoptions.
Brandi, you make a good point about the “what works for you?” type of thing. I agree that ease probably means more than frequency. It’s just having the tension off for visits, I think.
(sent via email and posted to the blog)
Well everyone has jobs, some are also in school, there are other relationships and family members that need time devoted to them (eg; great-grandma is ill) and things like planning a wedding etc.
Also there are first family dynamics that have to be worked around (like visits with FDad and FMom can’t overlap and first dad refuses to combine visits with his parents for reasons he won’t discuss)…so we all have to pull out our calendars and see when and where we can get together.
Not much different than my family or my in-laws really.