I’m answering the last questions first because someone else asked me one of these questions (about Pennie’s names) over on Facebook, too, so I thought it was timely.
Artemis found me because my friend Terreece very kindly linked me up over on a comment at Motherlode and she asked four questions:
1. Why did you change Jessica’s name to Pennie?
I know it’s confusing, isn’t it? Pennie’s real name is Jessica but Pennie is her nickname. When we first met her and matched, I called her J on blog. Then before I sent Salon my essay, I had Pennie read it and asked her which name she wanted me to use and she said Jessica because it’s her legal name. It seemed silly to keep calling her J on my blog so I started using Jessica. Then later on down the line I told her it was getting weird calling her Jessica half the time (on blog and with blog friends I met or talked to in real life) when we know and love her as Pennie and could I please use Pennie on my blog and she said sure. I should probably make a note on my About page. You know what — after I post this I will. Anyway, J is Jessica is Pennie. We call her Pennie. Most of her friends call her Pennie. Her family calls her Jessica. She answers to both.
2. Does she read this blog?
Not regularly. She has and sometimes she does. She’s pretty busy and is more about her cell phone than internet. I had her read all the comments to this post (and she commented back, y’all!) but mostly she doesn’t. Also I talk about adoption way more than is interesting to her — she is much more practical and straightforward than I am, which segues nicely to the next question.
3. Do you think she regrets placing Madison?
I cannot say for certain. Pennie has said that she doesn’t regret placing Madison and I believe her but I also believe the question is too simple and that her answer is both absolutely true as well as a nod to a reality that is much more complicated.
My take is that Pennie is the kind of person who doesn’t dwell on what is done as much as I do. I think she is more realistic and focused than I am and she is amazingly resilient. I know she grieves the loss of Madison and the loss of mothering her but I know, too, that she feels good about where her life is now and that most of the time she chooses to focus on what’s in front of her. I think her feelings around the adoption are appropriately complicated and ambivalent. I think her feelings will change as her life changes. I think that some days are better than others and that some months are probably better than others and that likely some years will be better than others.
I think that we have this idea that birth parenthood is all sad or all happy and that this limits our understanding of the women who placed children/lost children in adoption. I think happy women can have regrets, that grieving women can have joy, that good adoptions can still bring sorrow and that feelings around any of it can and should change as life changes.
All of that is to say that I trust her assertion now that she does not regret the adoption but I also give her room to feel differently about that someday (or not, as the case may be).
4. Did you have any idea that (open) adoption would become such a big part of your life when you decided to adopt?
That’s a good question and the answer is Heck No! I thought our adoption would be neatly compartmentalized. I thought that we would take it out and dust if off whenever we had The Talk with our child (on what I believed would be a fairly healthy and regular basis) and I thought that the relationship our child had with his or her birth parent would be something that existed for them primarily and had very little to do with me. I couldn’t have verbalized it then; it’s just what I thought.
Another thing I was thinking about — when we first put in our application and profile, Brett did NOT want to have our profile shared with anyone who lived in our city because he wanted more physical space between us. If you had told him (or me) that we would have an adoption that was this open, he would not have believed you. (The difference is, I would have thought it would be outside of possibility and he would have thought it all sounded too scary.)
I didn’t realize that Madison’s adoption would be part of her in the way that it is or that it would permeate the rest of our lives. I didn’t realize that I would care about Pennie so much and see her as an integral and necessary part of our family. I didn’t realize that it would change what I saw as my role as a parent not just for Madison but also for Noah. And I sure didn’t think I’d still be blogging about it four (almost five) years later!!!
Related posts:
as an adoptee, i don’t think it’s possible to every feel the same way one way or another about ones adoption or putting a child up for adoption. as a child, i thought it meant my “real” mother didn’t want me. i think most children will go through this, because it’s a hard thing to understand with concrete thought; the very love shown to you by your adoptive parents will make you question why your birth parent couldn’t keep you. it seems completely irrational, but seeing love makes you feel unloved. i can’t quite explain it, but there’s just no way to every compartmentalize adoption. it’s a bizarre thing.
i know that my birth mother hasn’t told her family about me, which keeps us from being in contact; on the other hand, statistics show that something like 99% of birth mothers want to know their children, even while they are incapable of talking about it with others – which is really hard, if you think about it.
as a side note, i had always kind of wondered if pennie was pennie’s real name, because i was pretty sure she was involved in an event I attended, but was called by another name. now the mystery is solved!
okay, enough rambling. all of that to say, adoption all around is the grayest of gray areas, i think. i don’t mind it that way, but it can take awhile for things to congeal as an adoptee. i don’t think it’s a gray area as far as being the right thing in a lot of circumstances, it’s just that i don’t know if people can understand the mixed emotions if they haven’t been there.
“My take is that Pennie is the kind of person who doesn’t dwell on what is done as much as I do. I think she is more realistic and focused than I am and she is amazingly resilient. I know she grieves the loss of Madison and the loss of mothering her but I know, too, that she feels good about where her life is now and that most of the time she chooses to focus on what’s in front of her. I think her feelings around the adoption are appropriately complicated and ambivalent. I think her feelings will change as her life changes. I think that some days are better than others and that some months are probably better than others and that likely some years will be better than others.
“I think that we have this idea that birth parenthood is all sad or all happy and that this limits our understanding of the women who placed children/lost children in adoption. I think happy women can have regrets, that grieving women can have joy, that good adoptions can still bring sorrow and that feelings around any of it can and should change as life changes.”
Very astute!
As a mother who lost my child to adoption 40 years ago, and has spent those years in touch with and counseling thousands of mothers in this position – open or closed adoption – your take is accurate.
I have described it as being akin to having a chronic illness: good days and bad days. It’s almost ALWAYS there. There are very few moments of your life – or aspects of your life – when it does let you know it’s there – sometimes crashing in very painfully with uncontrollable depression; sometimes with anger; sometimes grief, low-self-esteem, melancholy, feeling misunderstood and very, very alone. Periods of time can go by after a while, when it’s more on a “back burner” depending upon the relationship/openness or not in one’s current situation.
But triggers are everywhere. Women are so often asked: Do you have kids? or “How many kids do you have” and this is always a trigger. Guts wrench, wondering: what do I say? How do I explain it? What will they think of me?
A new grandchild for one’s parents can be a horrible trigger. A friend or relative having a baby or adopting can be painful. Starting new relationships – at work or personally – are a challenge. It affects every aspect of one’s life.
Most mothers I know, deal with it differently at different times in their lives and in different situations and it is not uncommon for them to pull back from the openness either because it is too painful, too difficult physically, too costly, or they are too busy with other aspects of their life i.e. school, career, relationship or a new family.
Brenda Romachick, who works with mothers in open adoption has said: “[B]irthmoms in open adoptions actually experience more grief symptoms than less. But they also grieve in a much more healthy way than our predecessors. We don’t bottle it up and shove it under the rug to deal with at reunion. The contact we have forces us to confront our loss. We don’t do open adoption because it hurts less; we do it because it is what is best for our kids.”
In addition to open adoption keeping a wound open and watching what you have lost in terms of parenting, it is very difficult to feel so totally our of control – especially if parenting styles are different – as they are between any two people. A natural mother in an open adoption is very cognizant of being “the other woman” and having no control over anything in the relationship. She has less rights than a non-custodial parent and all visitation and contact are merely promises she hopes will be kept and so she walks a fine line, being “obedient” and placating to one she is beholding to…while at times feeling enormous jealousy, envy dislike and/or anger at the person or the situation. She knows that she is “expected” to feel “grateful” and that is a heavy burden to carry. Adoptees often feel the weight of gratitude as well.
Adoption is tough stuff, any way you slice it.
Can confirm Mirahs statement on adoption being a chronic illness for mothers. I am currently in remission myself.
Thanks for such great answers Dawn. And I enjoyed reading the comments too.
One thing in particular that struck me about your reply, Dawn: I have one bio-child (who I adore) and I also sometimes feel happiness and sadness about parenting; I sometimes think about my life before she came along. I think that’s important to remember. It’s like the identity issues that many adoptees have–all (well almost all) adolescents/young adults go through a phase of questioning their identity, not only those were adopted, right?
I guess it’s like Lisa said, there’s so much gray–with adoption, and with life in general.