I take my blinders for granted
I forget this stuff.
Here was the question on Open Adoption Support:
Would you (adoptive parents) want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends about the experience? I am really curious how adoptive parents might react to the knowledge that others they have not met know about them. I don’t tell hardly anyone(in person) about my experience in becoming a birthmom. I sort of feel like it would be like gossiping, but I talk about my family to people I know a lot. I know it should probably be the same with my birthchild. I heistate because I know that the adoptive parents of my birthchild do not tell everyone they know that they adopted. I think that probably is why I hesitate.
I answered the question with my bias showing; I think women have a right to their stories no matter what and I feel angry/sad/dismayed when women don’t feel free to share them. I want to empower women to talk and to tell their stories. I think that change starts when silence ends.
But I forget. I forget how many first moms aren’t free to talk. I forget that for some women, telling their stories means losing access to their children. I forget that for some women, the fear of maybe losing access to their children is enough to keep them silent.
I’ve got all the power and so it’s pretty easy for me to forget that, well, I have all the power.
It’s why I was so grateful to Barb for speaking up in the comments. She not only gave good, pointed advice to the original poster, she reminded me that I can be a special kind of idiot sometimes. And I needed to know that.
I love Barb and not just because we share a birthday!
gee… I don’t know whether to be touched or embrassed that you though so much of my question. Really I feel silly about it. I am glad you are so humble about yourself. Honestly, I think I am learning alot. I forgot to mention that a big part of why I don’t tell alot of people is because the only people to tell are from a church group. I know I mentioned that before but also the birthfather knows most of these people, even though he is not involved with the church anymore. I promised the birthfather not to say anything bad about him. Also I wanted to answer your questions about the adoptive parents. Honestly, the times that I have visited, anytime I try to ask stuff (like this) I am usually interupted. One time, a long time ago (during the first months of my birthsons life) I had a phone conversation with the adoptive mom, in it I tried to say ‘If I was the one parenting he wouldn’t have…’ mostly to tell her what I good choice I made in her but she interupted me saying ‘you couldn’t, you just couldn’t!’ She interupts a lot of what I say in the few visits we have had. She wasn’t that way when we met when I was still pregnant, then she would listen intently. Now I really don’t get the impression that they want to hear anything I say. I am not a very confidant person, in person. On the internet I can go on and on, noone will interupt me.
I’m confused by the question.
Exactly why would I not share my experience?
Then again, I’ve already stepped out from under the veil of shame, gotten hit with really nasty words and kept on trucking. So… maybe I’m further ahead in my healing? I don’t know. But I won’t be told that I can’t share. Especially with my friends. It takes me awhile TO share; I have to fully trust someone to share my story (non-internet, meaning, real life) but if I was told that I couldn’t tell someone about my daughter, I’d laugh.
I mean, her picture is all over the house. It’s hard NOT to tell once someone becomes a close enough friend to be invited in.
firemom, you must indeed be a very very brave person. I know the question is confusing. I must say in ‘real life’ (non-internet) the only people who know about the fact that I am a birthmom are people who knew me when I was pregnant. I kept to myself (I usually do anyways) so thats only TWO people besides people I work with, who I desparately wish didn’t know because they were mean to me. The thing is that recently(this year) I have been trying to make new friends and I am having trouble getting any feedback from the adoptive parents of my birthchild. I also read a book about open adoption (can’t remember the title) and alot of the birthmoms in it were encouraged by adoptive parents to be open about their stories. I am still too afraid that I will get bad reactions, or worse, lose the friends I am trying to make. That has happened already once. I have pictures around too but noone comes over to where I live, not usually anyways. Even it I do invite them. I know its a silly question. I am just not a very confidant person. Hopefully someday I’ll be more like you.
I don’t really keep many pictures out…and for the most part, I go with deflection if I’m asked about one. (i.e. “Who’s that?” “That’s baby C” in an upbeat voice and then move on to something else.) When I do talk about placing I settle in for the long haul because I’m not what people expect when they thing of first mothers and there always are tons of questions when they realize I don’t mind. How can we change the negative first mother stereotypes if none of us will talk about the experience?
I seem to find two types of people, the ones who are interested in spite of themselves…and the ones who are uncomfortable and wish I wouldn’t talk about it. I try to chose the people I share with carefully…but if they are a part of my life and they’re not comfortable with it…they can get used to it or go because I won’t deny who I am and placement has helped shape who I am today.