Ginger (a first mom) said:
I felt hurt when my daughter’s parents didn’t refer to her as theirs until they took her home. They didn’t even get the nursery ready (she slept in their room) until she was home. I just didn’t understand why they couldn’t believe that baby was theirs and the decision made. I had some concern that NOT doing those things meant that they weren’t committed to her. What if some better baby came along, one with a better family health history? Perhaps silly fears on my part…
Honestly, Pennie likely could have written this. At one point during our match our social worker talked to Pennie’s social worker and found out that Pennie was worried that we weren’t excited enough about the prospect of having Madison. And she was annoyed that I would say IF she placed Madison with us, IF Madison came home, etc. Pennie felt like she’d made up her mind and that I wasn’t honoring this.
So our social worker, Denise, told us that we needed to tell Pennie what we were doing to get ready and assure her that we were indeed excited about her choosing us and thrilled at the idea of being Madison’s parents.
I had to think on this for awhile but the next time Pennie and I talked I told her that I would be happy to tell all about what we’d done to get ready with the caveat that she understand that I wasn’t being presumptuous and assuming that her daughter was already mine. I said something like, “I know you feel absolutely sure right now and I totally trust your feelings about that but I need you to hear me say that I also know that you have to meet Madison first and I want you to remember that we understand if you change your mind.”
It was important to me that she hear me say that I believed her now but would not in any way feel betrayed if she changed her mind; that we wouldn’t hold her to pre-baby promises. I remember, too, that I made her repeat this back to me. I wanted it to be very clear to her because once Madison was born, I didn’t want her to feel hemmed in by the plans that we — Brett and I — had made. I didn’t want her to feel like she owed us anything.
I think about Pennie when I read the “our baby is due” posts because Pennie was one of those absolutely sure expectant mothers and you know, Madison’s arrival changed things. I know you can point to Madison being here in our family to say, “See? She always knew she’d place!” but that’s far too simplistic. She had to make that decision all over again once Madison arrived and it was seven hundred million zillion trillion times harder than it was beforehand. Denise (our social worker) told us repeatedly that whatever a woman says when she’s pregnant is NOT a placement predictor — that there is always Always ALWAYS a 50/50 chance that a woman will leave the hospital with her baby no matter how sure she is before the baby arrives.
So see, I think that hopeful adoptive parents need to know this even if the expectant parents don’t. I don’t mean they should be dismissive or even as careful as we were not to step out of bounds (resulting in our needing to be reminded that we needed to engage more with Pennie around our parenting hopes) — but I do think that ethical professionals should remind us that we are not the stars of this particular show.
I’m sure there ARE some hopeful adoptive parents who say “our baby” and mean “the expectant parents’ and our baby” but c’mon, this is not what we tend to see on blogs or in the forums. We all know that lots and lots and lots of agencies/lawyers will practically guarantee that the baby is going to be placed. They’ll say, “this is a good sign” or “this is a great match” and they don’t add, “But having a baby changes everything including adoption plans.”
You see, I don’t blame hopeful adoptive parents who don’t have the benefit of ethical adoption professionals to lead them to understand that an adoption plan is just a plan and not a mandate to place. When the social workers and lawyers don’t prepare us for every possibility they set expectant parents up with guilt/pressure above and beyond what they might already be feeling; they set hopeful adoptive parents up with misplaced entitlement that can make it difficult to handle matches that unmatch; and they continue the myth that adoption is about getting babies to wannabe parents and not creating options for women struggling with the challenge of a crisis pregnancy.
I know that there are a lot of big things we can and should change about the way domestic infant adoption works but I also think that small, incremental change can help dismantle some of the ethical issues. Reminding potential adoptive parents that a match is just a possibility is one of these small things we can do that can ultimately have a larger impact.
But that’s just my take on things.
Possibly related posts:
I’m glad you’re continuing the discussion, because I find this all very interesting.
I have a somewhat similar issue about how to talk about “our child” in that my partner calls her own first mother by a much more negative term and is totally opposed to the term “first mother” and so I’ve chosen to always write “bio mom” as a more neutral alternative even though it’s not the term I would choose if it were my story. But every time I write it, I’m afraid there’s going to be backlash from some direction telling me to do things differently.
I agree that it’s probably pretty easy most of the time to tell from context who’s talking about our collective baby and who’s talking about our baby who’s in someone else’s body right now (which does sound a little creepy to me in an adoption context) but I’m sure there’s some ambiguity at times too. I know I’ve done double takes on lesbian blogs when someone will say, “Well, we’re pregnant and…” and it takes me a minute to realize only one of them actually is. Words are difficult! And I’m sorry I just clogged up your comments with a lot more of them.
Amen. Swap out the names and this describes exactly what happened during our match time with Firefly’s first mom.
It was a difficult balance, maintaining a certain level of detachment that we needed while also respecting B’s process and engaging with her where she was at.
“Reminding potential adoptive parents that a match is just a possibility is one of these small things we can do that can ultimately have a larger impact.”
Spot on. I really wish that we were given this kind of reminder from our social worker. When the mother who had chosen us to be the parents of her child changed her mind and kept her baby, I felt some very angry feelings… in particular, I just plain felt used. If the social workers prepared us better, I would have understood much more. This kind of reminder is ESSENTIAL.
And, to the issue of the first mom feeling hurt, the social worker should ALSO remind first mom’s that inaction on the part of the adoptive parents has NOTHING to do with the baby. It has everything to do with the adoptive parents’ personal feelings.
After we were chosen by a mother to parent her child (the one who changed her mind), we immediately went out and bought a car seat/stroller combo. The pain associated with seeing just that car seat/stroller after the mother changed her mind was pretty substantial. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have had a fully prepared and empty nursery in the house for the two years that followed before my wife and I officially became parents.
[...] acts a lot like one big baby supermarket is in need of some major reform. An article I read today here proposes the simplest of reforms that could (and should) be immediately made [...]
http://magicpointeshoe.livejournal.com/359774.html
=o)
How interesting that Pennie had to be assured of your excitement. I think that would really be my issue in another adoption. After adopting once, I feel SO reserved about claiming the baby in any way until it is born and officially ours. We had the same struggle in adopting our son. We were trying to show our enthusiasm, but we felt very strongly that the baby was not ours and that this was her (the first mother) time to parent the baby. She wanted to know what we had named the baby, etc, and we were just kind of sitting there like “well, the baby isn’t ours, so we haven’t named it!” What felt like presumption to us was a sign of commitment/readiness to her.
I wonder how these dynamics would differ in an international adoption when a family has accepted a referral? I feel less squeamish when those families use possessive language because the child has already had the tie to the first family officially severed, but it still seems presumptive (to me) to “claim” the child before it is yours. At the same time, the baby or child needs the full excitement and support and commitment of the adoptive family. I imagine the role that the adoptive family plays in loving and advocating for a child, especially one living in an institution, is immense, even before the child joins the family through adoption.
Personally, I really don’t know how to balance these two dynamics (respecting first family/pre-adoption identity and fully embracing the child into the adoptive family), and it is one of my biggest concerns or points of consideration for a future adoption for us.
gee, you know you just have an excellent way with words!!
All this brings up memories from when I placed my birthson.
Unfortunatly the birthfather and I did not come to a decision until about 8 weeks to my due date. So we did not develop a strong relationship with the adoptive couple except for the two meetings we had before I gave birth. I remember that at the hospital the adoptive mom heistated to hold my birthson, that endeared her to me. The only other communication I had with the adoptive couple when I was pregnant was a few emails. The adoptive mom asked me some kind of silly questions like ‘are you dilated at all?’ . She did not know that all my doctor ever did was take my blood pressure and the babys heart rate and measure my belly. I never got any ‘below the belt’ examination. Anyways, I had never been pregnant before, how was I supposed to know what being dilated feels like? I did like that she was interested in the my general health. The did say they were going on a spending spree because of the short time before my birthson was born. I know that they stayed in my city for a day or so after the hospital thing was all over and I wanted them to take my birthson home(they live in another city). I think that was a respectful thing for them to do. The most important thing that birthmom want is for the parents they choose to really really love the baby. Rationally speaking its a strange concept to suddenly love a total stranger what is not remotely related to you(other than being human). Personally(not disrespect to other adoptive parents) I will always question whether they really love my birthson like I do. Its something I may overcome, I don’t know.
Why not take the possesive off the baby, then? “The expectant mother with whom we’ve matched is due to give birth in October.”
not fair that you guys are writing on all this stuff i have a ton of things to say about when i’m too involved with my new baby to do so. wah. but, as usual, here here.