“Our baby will be born on…”
No, not mine. This is most decidedly not any kind of announcement.
I’ve read a couple of hopeful adoptive parent blogs and the hopeful parents have each matched with an expectant mother and they type this, “Our baby will be born in September.” “Our son is due on October 13th.” (I’m deliberately choosing dates that have passed recently to disguise these waiting hopeful parents.)
It frustrates me. I think their agency/lawyers must be doing a poor job of counseling them (and then I can’t help but assume that they’re also doing a poor job of counseling the expectant parents).
Our fabulous social worker, Denise, never encouraged this kind of entitlement before the baby arrived; in fact she actively but kindly discouraged it. She was very matter of fact that an adoption plan is not worth a dime until the baby has arrived. When our first match unmatched, she was sympathetic but practical. She made it easy for us to follow her lead and understand that this wasn’t about us at all — it had to do with the woman who decided to parent.
“But it’s hard!” we’d whine. “It’s hard living in limbo!”
“Parenting’s hard,” she’d say. “Why should this be easy?”
(OK, I don’t know if she said that exact quote but she said something pretty much like it.)
I get itchy fingers, wanting to comment on these blogs but I don’t think some stranger on the internet lecturing them about how adoption ought to work is really all that helpful or kind. So instead I’m ranting here a little bit.
I can understand how that would make you want to help them reframe their expectations! It’s too bad that they’re being put in a position that could so easily create heartbreak when it doesn’t have to be quite that way.
You’re so right: it’s hard to know what to say to that kind of language. It’s hard to hear perspectives that might well sound like they’re coming from a different universe. But it is so presumptuous, so wrong, to presume the outcome of “match.” It’s at moments like this that I want to toss out the “love makes a family” mantra and say, “no, the courts make a family.” (Although I’m not doing such a hot job on courts recognizing my family, so that’s not great language, either.”) Your social worker’s line is a good one.
I watched an episode of House (probably about a month ago) which had *serious* conflict of interest issues relating to an open adoption, and I spent the whole time saying “well, that’s stupid!” or “How unethical could you be!” I wondered whether you had any response to it.
Though I’m not in exactly the same situation, I’ve been struggling a little with this issue myself.
Our surrogate is expecting a baby in early January. She’s a gestational surrogate, which means she has no genetic connection to the child. We’ve applied for a pre-birth order which is routinely granted for surrogate pregnancies in our state, but that probably won’t be actually approved by the court for several weeks.
Under these circumstances, I find myself wanting to say “our baby is due around New Year’s,” but wondering if there’s something wrong with that. After all, even though we’re the child’s genetic parents, obviously the surrogate will be the one actually giving birth to it.
Under the circumstances, I can’t imagine a court awarding her custody if she unexpectedly chose to litigate the issue (I have absolutely no reason to think she would go to court — I’m just thinking hypothetically), but the situation obviously is a little different from the more typical one.
I know you’ve given these issues a lot of thought, so I’d love to get your take on this. In your view, deally, how should I be phrasing this?
To flip this around (cuz thats my nature) note I saw mothers incarcerated in the maternity home with me use similar language even before birth. “Their Baby” or a friend who told me her god made her pregnant so she could give the child to someone who could not have one (WTF?!!!!)
The ways many mothers disocciated from their own child was shocking. The ways this was reinforced by the baby sellers, prospective adopters was even more disturbing.
For the moms, I realize this was done in reaciton to trauma and a way to protect themselves but it saddens me deeply that expectant mothers feel the need to pull away from their own children even before birth. (Nina, an adoptee blogger once wrote a wonderful post about this).
While the prospective adopters stake claim to a child that is not yet theirs by law, and the mothers begin to pull away from their child that is theirs legally and biologically, where does that live the unborn child? Child is abandoned and sold even before they take their first breath.
Makes me very sad.
The “our baby” drives me crazy. It is NOT your baby. End of story.
Our agency works very hard to instill this into the pre-adoptive parents- that the baby is not yours until the official paperwork is signed and, here in Michigan, the court hearing has been held.
And it does do a disservice to both expecting parents and adoptive parents to allow this type of entitlement pre-birth to happen.
Dawn, I realize that you don’t want to just be a cyber-lecturer to these bloggers (posters, whomever) but I do think that you have a good opportunity because of your voice.
As a first mom, when I make comments of that nature they can come off as selfish. OF COURSE I don’t want people using that language, I’m a first mom and can’t possibly understand another side. OF COURSE I don’t want people saying “our baby.” OF COURSE I want longer TPR timelines. I”m just looking out for number one. (Though I don’t feel that way, just saying how I’ve been received before.)
But as an adoptive parent, you’ll be heard much more often than I will (at least in that regard). We need to work together for change - which is one of the huge reasons why I’m so often touched by your words. Because your voice CAN make change.
I think the adoptive parents are hopeful, and I don’t think that’s wrong. When I said, “Our baby will be born on January 13″ I meant mine, my husband’s, and S’s. I used “our” in the “Dear Birthmother Letter” to mean all of ours. I don’t see anything wrong with being hopeful.
As for a woman who thinks God wanted her to give her baby to a couple who couldn’t have one, why not? Why can’t that be so? No one knows what God’s plan is. And even if God didn’t have anything to do with, thinking that He did helps this woman with her grief.
It’s my understanding that some expectant moms and birthmoms do dissociate themselves with their pregnancies/babies. If that’s what helps them cope, if that’s the stage that they need to be in at the time, then who are we to judge that? Should dissociation be encouraged? Of course not. But if that’s the route that the e/bmom chooses to take, it is a valid choice.
The whole world is full of people who think they are ‘entitled’ to things. I think that they are setting themselves up for a lot of disappointment. But thats what selfishness does. We are all selfish as sometimes. Sometimes we need to be and sometimes not. A lot of people don’t know when those times are. I know what you mean about ichy fingers. I want soo badly to totally freak out at the people who say things that are offensive!!! But I hold myself back because I think they have NO IDEA that what they are saying is hurting anyone. I know I have stated things that have hurt people without meaning too at all!! So I choose to show mercy in letting people say what they want because they DO mean well!! BTW I am one of those birthmothers who believe God told me to place my birthchild. That is because when I found out I was pregnant what came to my mind is a women who I have been good friends with for many years who is also a birthmother, I knew her before, during, and after she placed her child. I know to this day she has an excellent relationship with the adoptive parents of her child. Her example coming to my mind at the exact time I found out I was pregnant was a sign to me that I should do the same. There are many reasons that adoption happens. The main point is that even though adoption is a good thing, noone should take forgranted, which is what these hopeful adoptive parents are doing by assuming that the children not yet born belong to them! Children don’t really belong to anyone, parents just get the privilage of helping them become successful persons.
Couldn’t agree more. I’ve had those same thoughts but never commented on their blogs for fear of being seen as rude or insensitive. So glad to see you post this.
They are not our children until the mother has made the final decision and signed the papers. I wish more PAP’s would keep that in mind as they waited for the birth of a child.
As a first-mom, part of me cringes when someone says those things. Baby isn’t yours until he (or she) is in your arms and maybe not even then if the papers aren’t yet signed.
On the other hand, I felt hurt when my daughter’s parents didn’t refer to her as theirs until they took her home. They didn’t even get the nursery ready (she slept in their room) until she was home. I just didn’t understand why they couldn’t believe that baby was theirs and the decision made. I had some concern that NOT doing those things meant that they weren’t committed to her. What if some better baby came along, one with a better family health history? Perhaps silly fears on my part…
So I have mixed feelings on the issue…