Off schedule
Had to rearrange things some today to accommodate kids and stuff. Kids are like that — full of accommodation need. Which is why they’re so incompatible with structured schedules and best-laid plans.
I caught up with a friend awhile ago, someone I’ve lost touch with as our kids have grown out of playdates. I was thinking about how her reaction to Madison’s adoption was a little … off and how this also plays into our growing apart.
I told Abby that it’s like my old friend is saying in her head, “Good for Dawn for loving her so much! What a hero!”
I can’t figure out which part of it is hard for her: The adoption itself? (Loving some “stranger’s” child?) The transracialness? (Loving a black child? Is it racism?) The openness? (Loving a child that isn’t fully “mine”?)
I think it’s maybe all three. But I have never felt the acceptance of Madison from her that I know she has for Noah.
She’s not the only person in my life that I’ve felt this around Madison’s presence. Obviously I limit time with people like this because if I can feel it, I guarantee the kids can, too.
It’s not obvious, this break some people have with Madison as our daughter, but it’s there. At first I thought I was just being sensitive — and maybe at the beginning, I was — but time has marched on and the gap continues. I guess to some people Madison will always be our “adopted” daughter.
It makes me sad and it makes me angry and it makes me frustrated because I know that most of the people like this would not or could not own up to these feelings; I don’t feel like we can work through it. And it makes it awfully hard to know what to say when we have these random collisions in the course of our everyday lives. It feels like running into someone who once slept with my husband or stole my car and now wants to pretend that everything is fine. To me, it’s an elephant sitting on our conversation but it’s like they believe that I can’t see it. (And to be fair, I wonder if they can see it. Maybe to them it’s an appropriate, natural way to feel about a friend’s adoption. I equate it with betrayal but if the “otherness” to our adoption is so ingrained, perhaps they think I have vestiges of this feeling, too, but just hide it the way they think they’re hiding it.)
(sigh)
Some days I just don’t have the energy for this.
The phrases that send me are “I’d adopt if I couldn’t have children of my own.” and “Are they sisters?”
I honestly believe most people don’t see their remarks as biased and inappropriate so I try to expose, in a nice a way as possible, their bias… “These children *are* my own” and “They are sisters *now*.”
Dawn, her discomfort says more about your friend than you or Madison. I have a close friend who also has one of each and to me, it is no doubt that Luke is their child though he came thru another mother they will never meet (he is from Russia). She also has had some of those awkward collisions, like a little girl at Brownies who asked, “No, but who is Luke’s REAL mommy?”, after my friend had explained I am Luke’s mommy. Thank you for writing about this topic. I hope there can be more understanding and acceptance of adoption and you and Madison are advocates. It makes me ill how much money is wasted on unsuccessful infertility treatments in the US. What if that money went toward adoption or foster parenting. Maybe there is an evolutionary reason for the decrease in US fertility, like the planet is giving us a gentle nudge to think differently about how loving parents can bring a child into their lives.
Forgive me if I offend anyone here, but I think that there are a number of yuppie adoptive parents who foster this “altruistic” adoption mindset. The kind that buy onesies that say “Mommy’s little Gatling.”
And I think you would have gotten the same altruistic pap if Madison was white.
And it is true, to a certain extent that a person who adopts is inherently altruistic, but the question is if they are going to let it color their entire adoption. I.E. “Look at me, I’m so great because I adopted a kid.”
All that being said, I don’t think of you as special or a martyr because you adopted Madison. I clearly think of you as Madison’s mommy, just like you’re Noah’s mommy. Period.
Dawn, I totally know the feeling you are describing. I think we tend to always present our adoption story with us as the lucky ones who are fortunate to have Little Bear, which can alleviate some of this. But sometimes folks still have this attitude, and it does just sit right there between us.
And in response to you not having the energy for this…I say thanks for writing this stuff even when your energy for it is lacking. It matters so much and I, for one, appreciate it so much.
Love from Portland…
The bias toward biological relatives is common. Some people only want to love relatives because they are thinking only of themselves. They see biological relatives as a part of themselves, some people have a bias for ‘themselves’. Being selfish is common. Adoption is not as common. Some people have a hard time with things that are not ‘common’. Or not all about their own bias. I feel sorry for people who live only for themselves, even in their parenting. Some part of me wants to change their minds, I know thats impossible though…
I think this happens mostly because people assume that what they know is what’s best/ most intense/ most real. They just can’t think outside of that box, and they probably do it in other areas of their life too. Its silly and narrowminded and limiting and obviously wrong. And oh yeah, for sure is it exhausting. Sorry this is happening- I guess these are the folks you have to teach your kids to have some thicker skin about. People have a lot of fallacious perceptions/ideas in the world; this is just another one..
I have been struggling with a similar problem with someone who is close to our family. This person loves us and loves M, but there is something of a barrier when it comes to L. Their comments come across as criticizing our parenting or being less than approving of L and it just breaks my heart (on L’s behalf). Maybe it is that they feel there kid (similar in age) is clearly so superior to our second-hand kid or maybe the got to know and love M before they had kids and don’t have the energy to get to know and love L? I don’t know, but it is really affecting our relationship.
And like your situation, I am pretty sure they either have no idea what they are doing or don’t think there is a problem with it. This is particularly difficult because it is someone in our family (but not the obvious culprit which would be my MIL). It is a serious bummer.
Ick, that sounds hard, and I agree with the person who said it’s about your friend, not about you or Madison. I think there’s always projection going on in these situations, and of course, fear of losing control.
And . . . I don’t feel the least bit altruistic as an adoptive parent. If anything, I feel incredibly lucky that our daughter’s birthparents chose us and now we have a beautiful daughter.
Unfortunate…why would someone feel uncomfortable? Seems strange. Definitely more about them than you. We have a good friend who’s adopted and fostered so many children, all from diverse backgrounds, some with and some without what most would consider learning challenges, etc. We don’t think she’s odd or a hero…it’s just our friend being herself.
I’m not offended but I am perplexed: “I think that there are a number of yuppie adoptive parents who foster this “altruistic” adoption mindset. ”
I have been an adoptive parent for 10 years and I literally have never met the grain of truth that supports this stereotype.
Maybe I have the wrong friends and acquaintances, but I get out a bit. I have often had contact with a representative of the ‘cooler than thou homeschooling vegan hippie attachment parenting HNICs of mothering’ stereotype who thinks her role in the conversation is to ‘explain’ to me that adopting doesn’t make me as altruistic as I think it does.
To which I always reply, Huh? You talkin’ to me?
On topic: It’s been hard to separate from the family that is just like ours demographically except for adoption. There were significant upsides to both only children involved in the family friendship. But that was a choice we had to make when we learned why they chose not to adopt. You just don’t look at folks the same once they tell you that they went all-in on fertility drugs because they couldn’t expect their families to accept a child who wasn’t white…um, thanks for inviting me to four annual events hosted by your parents? Eeewwww.
I blogged about this awhile ago, but the worst of these for me was the “friend” who, after admiring our beautiful daughter and her clear attachment to us (and the reverse) said “I could never do it.” Argh.
I know it’s not the SAME, but there are parallels of avoidance in our world of sick kids. A friend told me once that another friend didn’t know what to say to us and what do you know; the friendship has just slipped away. I think avoidance, because of a hard subject to get your head around is more common than we think. Not to be cutting or superior or anything, but I don’t have time to deal with people that can’t open up about our differences and their lack of understanding.
I always respect the friend that says they haven’t a clue about how to approach something with me because they are feeling this way or that way.
@Phoenix Rising - Unfortunately the yuppie stereotype does exist. I have seen it personally from someone in my greater chevra/network of friends who has adopted two little boys from central America and who has this attitude, plus you can’t help but trip over these types in NYC, especially in the trendier neighborhoods like Park Slope.
In addition, my ex-husband (the bio-dad of my two girls) is adopted. My former mother-in-law, obm, always talked about how fabulous she and my former father-in-law were for adopting my ex as a baby. How his birth family was poor alcoholics, how he was the youngest of seven, how his parents weren’t married, how he was the only child put up for adoption, and how they were such wonderful people because they gave him a better life than they could have. I can’t tell you about how many times I heard her say the phrase, “Oh, yes, that’s when we got K.” As if she was purchasing him from the store. I learned to grit my teeth and bite my tongue around her.
That being said, I think the only difference in how they treated my ex and his older brother (their bio-child), was that they spoiled my ex into adulthood.
So, I never understood the “aren’t we great” or “boy, you are great” for adopting mentality. I am adopted (granted, not an interracial (my parents are as white as I am)), and my parents never made mention of the fact that they are something special for adopting. Note: My parents are my parents; the people who raised me.
I don’t really remember when I found out… it just seems I have always known, so they must’ve told me during elementary school I suppose. Since I was adopted in 1970 (privacy guaranteed to the birth mom and such), I guess it may be different. I have never felt like I missed anyone; I don’t feel that part of my family or part of me is missing. I did meet my birth mom 1 time in the summer of 2004 or 2005. I was curious, turns out she was very interested in meeting. We had dinner. I had thought of her once and again in my adult years; I also figured that, had I given up a baby, I would probably wonder every day if that child had a good life. So, I wanted her to know that, even if I were given a chance to hand pick a family to my specification, I could not have done better than the one I grew up with. My immediate family, my extended family, all loving and supportive and great role models. Now, none of us are perfect and some of them really tried me at times (and I know I tried them too)… but, I know I will always have a safe place to rest my head if need be.
But, no one has ever treated me differently (at least in my presence) because of my adoptee status. I have 2 younger brothers who my Mom birthed herself and we were not treated differently as the ‘adopted kid’ and ‘natural kids’. Maybe I was lucky; I like to think that my experience is much closer to the norm and that most of us with happy, mostly well-adjusted childhoods simply don’t write on blogs like these.
Ken, it’s nice to “meet” you! (I always like meeting local folks online!) Thanks for commenting!
Hi Tony! I’m glad that you’ve had a good life and that your adoption has never been a source of struggle for you. I don’t know if it’ll be a source of struggle for Madison or not — there are so many things that play into how we interpret our lives. Perhaps your parents protected you some the way I’m trying to protect Madison from other folks’ misguided views.