Proprioception: Where’s my body in this space
Abby diagnosed me. I was telling her that I can’t do a cartwheel because when I straighten my legs while turning upside down, I panic. It feels like my body is out of control. The last time I did a cartwheel (sometime in middle school or late elementary school) and actually got my legs up, I came down crying and sick to my stomach.
“That’s a sensory issue,” she told me. “You have problems with proprioception.”
Looking at Noah, I already knew I had some mild sensory stuff growing up (and even now — I think introversion is a sensory issue). I used to have to rinse my salsibury steak because I couldn’t stand gravy or anything that masked or mixed food, just like Noah. And I identify with his need to have clothes that fit just so, especially socks. But neither of us are undone by this stuff — we’re just picky.
But this proprioception, it got me thinking. Proprioception is “the sense of the orientation of one’s limbs in space.” (source) Now I don’t think I have trouble controlling my body in space — I don’t think I’m clumsier than most people although I could be wrong about that — but I think I overreact to not literally having my feet firmly planted. I think my issues are pretty mild ones but still there’s a whole lot that I can’t do:
- Bike in front of anyone. If I’m biking with another person, they HAVE to be in front of me. It scares me to think that someone might be behind me and might knock the bike. I’ve very nearly forced Brett to wreck when I’ve put my feet down in a panic because he’s fallen behind me. I also can’t go fast. I ride my brakes even if I’m going down a very small hill. By the same token, I can’t take curves in a car at the suggested MPH without feeling like I’m going to flip the car. That curve on 315 by Riverside? I slow way down and do the deep breathing techniques I learned in the birth class I took while pregnant with Noah. Scares the hell out of me.
- Jump on a trampoline. No. Just the thought of it makes me sick. It’s insane — how do you know where you’ll come down? How will you control your trajectory as you come back up? I hate it hate it hate it. And it’s only possible if no one is on the trampoline with me or even touching it. Even then it’s torture.
- Swimming. If I’m swimming in a pool and can’t touch the bottom or reach out and touch a side, I get so anxious that I almost can’t breathe. I have to talk myself across the pool to where I can touch something. And if Brett swims by and puts his hand near me? I freak out. (I have trouble watching my kids swim because I project this feeling.) This is huge. I don’t find swimming fun or relaxing AT ALL even if I’m just watching the kids swim.
- Water in general, actually. Like this canoe trip: “I’ll be honest and say I have a fear of water that borders on phobia. I can swim, I can bathe but certain things terrify me beyond reason. A rocking canoe in 2-feet of water is one of those things. I spent the first ten minutes of the trip hyperventilating, which is insane. Let me remind you, 2-feet of water. And we had to wear life jackets.” I could see the bottom but the rocking canoe scared the hell out of me. Ask Brett, we got into the canoe (mind you, we waded to get there) and I started to cry because it felt tippy.
- Skating. Or walking across ice or anything slippery.
I always thought I was just ridiculous but Abby tells me this is a real thing. She explained that the terror I feel? It’s a fight or flight response — it knows no logic.
When I was in high school we had a gymnastics quarter in gym and I very nearly flunked because I refused to do the trampoline or skin-the-kitty on the bars. (You know, where you hang upside down and put your legs through your arms so you flip over?) The gym teacher was yelling at me about how ridiculous I was and I just stared at her and refused to do it and refused to talk because I knew there was no use complaining. She finally gave in but treated me with contempt for the rest of the year. She thought I was just being teenage obstinate and I couldn’t convince her otherwise because it sure sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
“When I hang upside down I feel like I’m about to die.”
Yeah, I wouldn’t have believed me either.
Anyway. I’m not all that concerned about it because it doesn’t get in the way of my everyday life (as long as I stay out of canoes); it’s just interesting to know that it’s all tied up to the same thing. Who knew?
Hi Dawn,
I have two girls with arpkd (which led me to Julia’s blog, which has led me to yours), and both of my girls have sensory issues. My oldest has a version that makes her way over-the-top dramatic, yet cooperative, in situations that she’s not comfortable with. (i.e., start crying in an insane panic THE SECOND she can’t find a stuffed animal or book) She also was/is a very picky eater. She’s 6 now and will usually at least try things, after a little negotiation. Now, my youngest daughter is 2 1/2 and not talking AT ALL. We had her hearing tested all the way to the brain stem and it’s functioning properly, which means it’s all sensory, too. But hers is “fight or flight”, with a lot of “flight”! I didn’t realize how much she was affected until we started OT, but it has really started to make a difference, slowly. I used to think that my daughter was just being a very stubborn, 2 yr old redhead. But now I know it is a very real thing for her. I just wanted to thank you for being able to describe what it’s like on the other side, as the person experiencing those feelings.
very interesting post dawn. I can relate. Only in recent years did I come upon the knowledge that I am a highly sensitive person. I dont mean like emotional (but that seems to be true too) but physically, sensory. I am easily, very easily, overstimulated with noise and crowds. It makes me jumpy, agitated, even sick if I dont get out of there. I am sensitive to color combinations (a woowoo friend told me i could sense color vibrations). My inner talk was that of my parents that the suggestions of being highly sensitve really meant I was over reacting and needing attention. So I squashed those feelings, never told anyone, just “dealt” with it like my dad would tell me to do.
Now that I have read books like this one I feel so much better. I am not crazy or begging for attention. These things are real and they are problematic for me.
Now that I have taught myself to steer clear or manage them differently, I am muhc happier.
(I cannot do kartwheels either but I figured that was cuz I am fat and out of shape!)
One more thought since you alluded to it as well..I often wondered if I am introvert by nature or my choice. I have be disconnected from many things to manage the sensory issues. This creates introverted tendencies. Which came first the chicken or the egg or the introvert or the sensory issue?
I have SPD (I’m 34 years old), as does my daughter. One of my largest struggles involves my proprioceptive sense. I also experience a fight or flight response lots of times. And my fear of falling does not involve a fear of hitting the ground… it is an irrational fear that I will somehow float off into space.
Oooh, I can relate to the sensitivity thing, and to the introversion thing (and the thinking that the two are related).
But I don’t think I have the same experience with my limbs. Loved gymnastics as a kid. Too old and inflexible to do them now though, but it doesn’t feel like a sensory thing now.
Do you ever have the experience of not being able to stand the feel of your clothes on your skin?
To Nicoles comment - yes.
As a child I had serious issues with fabric on my skin and it made my mother nuts. She still laughs about how I would shop with her and had to take the clothes and rub them on me before she could buy them. I cannot do synthetic fibers, itchy, polyester kind of things. I am hypersensitive to them beyond the point of being itchy. I become irrational and irritated. thankfully I shop for myself now. LOL
Suz, for me I think the introversion IS a sensory thing because it’s just too stimulating for me to be around a lot of people (although I’ve gotten a lot better at it). Usually when I’m giving a talk or am at a networking meeting or a party, I’m sweating bullets and my pulse is way up. I’ve just learned to live with that.
(Oh and Suz! I’ll be interested to meet you in person next April because we have this similarity!!)
Nicole, I didn’t realize until you and Suz wrote this that yes, I do!
Um yeah… skin irritation is a big thing for me. Whether it’s just in my mind or an actual physical irritation, it happens a lot. Feeling like I need to claw my own skin off. Rashes. Easily burned. Etc etc.
Also sounds. Pencils on paper–ugggggh. Chalk writing on chalkboards. Any kinds of eating noises. Too much noise. Too many people talking.
And the visuals–I swear at a least one third of my problem with winter is that there is no GREEN to look at. (Except pine trees, and they don’t count, wrong color green. Not vibrant enough.)
Hmmm. Wonder if there are support groups for this kind of thing…
Least I am great company. Glad to be in the ranks of you and Nicole with our itching clothing, noise avoiding, introverted selves. Hugs to you both.
Introversion as a sensory issue. Wow. I’ve never considered that!
Nancy, doesn’t it make sense? For me the feelings are really similar. For me, it’s a lower-grade feeling of panic but I still feel overwhelmed and cut off from people when I’m stressed in social situations and yes, some panic. My old therapist was the first one to say, “I don’t think you’re shy; I think you have some social anxiety.” Frankly, I think she was arguing semantics but when she said the anxiety part, I recognized more of my body symptoms.
Wow, so much of that is familiar! My biggest issue is that I get dizzy so easily! I can get dizzy watching someone spin (and my sensory-seeker daughter LOVES to spin). Ugh.