Visit decompressing
We had a good time.
Madison had two options: Hang out here with Pennie while Noah went to skating or go to skating with Pennie. She opted for the second because she wanted to see her friends and also wanted to show her friends to Pennie and vice versa (Pennie’s met them before at our Chanukah party and then again at Madison’s birthday party and some of them she’s known longer than that). But she definitely wanted to show Pennie off; that was clear in her decision making discussion with me. I said she could do whichever she wanted and change her mind or WHATEVER but to talk to Pennie about it and just let me know.
So we went to skating, which was nice for me because I’m the gossip queen with my girlfriends plus it’s fun to see Noah boogie around the rink with his buddies.
Madison and Pennie got 1.3 billion tickets playing skeeball or something like that and Madison got a very small $.10 bouncy ball for her trouble (not to mention all the change in my and Pennie’s purses). Then while Madison ran wild with her friends, Pennie sat with the grown-ups and gabbed with us. (Among the gabbing topics: Our own tween musical tastes. Pennie was cooler because she — growing up in the Pacific Northwest — was listening to Nirvana at 11. I was listening to Annie. Oh and the Madame Alexander record. Yes, she had one. Noah sometimes asks, “Were you a geek when you were my age?” and I can say with absolute certainty that the answer to that is YES.)
Then Madison, punch drunk with exhaustion and excitement, got insane and pummeled Pennie while wrestling with her. Towards the end of the visits she always does this. Brett’s mom calls it “playing puppy” — when kids beat up on a loved one because they’re craving physical intimacy. (It’s what siblings do when they’re not teasing but are grabbing each other or the way Noah will leapfrog onto Brett’s back without warning. You know what I mean?)
Thing is, Madison is strong and she can hurt. And when she’s wound up, it’s hard to wind her down.
On the car ride home she got mad because I was talking to Pennie (Pennie sat with Madison in the backseat and I drove — Noah sits in the wayback of the van because that’s how cool kids hang). She grabbed and growled and made a general nuisance of herself. Pennie handled it well and seems to know that this is playing puppy and not true hostility but it’s not easy for her.
After we dropped her off I thought some about it and this is the conversation we had, more or less. (I want to add that twice Madison called Pennie “mommy” or “mama” during this visit, both times very affectionately. She is very very very very very very very very fond of her. Loves her madly truly deeply. Clearly yearns for more connection with her, which I’m thinking includes a physical connection with her thus the manhandling when the day wears on and she feels more comfortable.)
Madison: Was I nice to Pennie, mommy?
Me: Well, you were rough with her. I think you just want to play-wrestle with her but sometimes you do some hurting.
[Madison starts looking tremulous around the mouth and eyes]
Me: You know, I think you should try cuddling with Pennie when you’re feeling like you want some wrestling. Pennie is extremely cuddly and I know she would love to cuddle you and smooch you and sit you on her lap.
Madison [in a very small voice]: As cuddly as you, Mommy?
Me: Definitely! [thinking] Madison, do you ever worry that I will feel sad or jealous if you hug Pennie?
Madison [voice still small, looking out the window]: Yes.
Me: Well, don’t worry because I would NOT! I would be very happy to see you cuddling with Pennie! Do I get sad when I see you hugging Daddy?
[Madison shakes her head.]
Me: Of course not! It makes me happy to see you and Daddy loving each other! And it makes me happy to see you and Pennie loving each other! She is your birth mama and your own very special person so of course you would like to hug and cuddle with her. I like my kids to have lots and lots of grown-ups who love them! That makes me feel so good! I would smile and smile to know that you and Pennie have cuddling time together!
Madison: There’s a bridge going across the street! Why?
Ok, so then I knew she was done and she fell asleep pretty soon after that so I think it’s what she wanted to hear.
When we got home and she was awake I asked her if she had any questions about Pennie or about cuddling Pennie.
Madison: Why do you love Pennie?
Me: I love Pennie because she’s your birth mama. She is pretty and funny and smart and she is part of our family.
Madison: Then why doesn’t she live here with our family?
Me: Because she is very busy with work and school and with living her work & school life. We are very busy with paper routes and going skating and making breakfast and in living our regular everyday life. But it would be fun if she lived here, wouldn’t it?
Madison nods.
Me: Maybe one day you two can have a slumber party.
Madison snuggles in deeper and sighs.
Me: It’s hard having two mommies sometimes, isn’t it?
Madison: Yeah.
End of discussion.
Sometimes I think you’re just the best explainer to little kids that there is or ever could be! The way you can reassure Madison about cuddling with Pennie, comparing it to Brett, and being honest with her about play-hurting Pennie is just awesome.
Seriously.
I LOVE reading these posts.
I wish everyone could have your wonderful views on birth moms and adoption.
It’s great that Madison is going to grow up knowing that she is loved by both her moms and that it’s ok to love them both back.
Thank you for this!
I’ve got a post brewing that this resonates with in a big way. I’m glad the visit went well, and I’m glad that Madison has you to facilitate her relationship with Pennie. You do a marvelous job at guiding them both through it.
I love your Hass quote! It totally sums up my feelings right now..I’m suffering from a serious bout of non-motivation.
What a great post. I hope I can be as eloquent as you. I will start practicing the minute she is born.
Nice work there, miss lady Dawn. Truly.
Beautiful. You are just beautiful with Madison.
Abby, keep that up. Don’t tell the interwebz how I screamed at her for destroying everything in the house. Oops. Stupid public interwebz. Dang.
Wonderful, just wonderful.
This may be too much info to put on the interwebz, but is Pennie cool with being called mommy? There are mixed feelings about that in our first parent clan.
I echo all the folks who say this is beautiful and that you are amazing with Madison. it’s true.
I love the Dawn speak about this to M. Can you imagine a more wonderful thing than Madison bouncing off to a sleepover with her first mom comfortably knowing that her mom supports it?
Powerful stuff.
My son’s adoptive parents have resented me and felt threatened by me from the moment they found out I’d found him - despite the fact that they had thrown him out and he was searching for me too.
You have an open and loving heart and renew my faith in the world.
This made me cry.
You are such a wonderful parent! It makes my heart hurt.
It’s fascinating to watch you all grow in your relationships with each other and as individuals through reading this blog.
It seems that you are all taking the issues as they arise and addressing with love and respect for all concerned.
I believe it is so important to enjoy each and every moment for what it is. This moment is all we have.
I know navigating these issues can’t be as easy as it sounds in your writing and I applaud your courage and willingness to stretch out and let your family (including Pennie) become a unique masterpeice. It is each peice that makes something beautiful and supports the whole; in this case including Pennie and Madison’s love as a normal part of your family dynamic.
A First Mom
Oh, Dawn–I love it when you script out your conversations about adoption with Madison. I wish I could have you in my head when Woob starts really pulling things together and asking questions (or not asking questions). You are an amazing resource (and an amazing mom!)
[...] read, with hunger, Dawn’s series of posts about Madison’s latest visit with Pennie. Dawn’s accounts of these visits [...]