Just a tad gloomy
I’m fighting a low-grade depression with bouts of full-fledged anxiety and have been for the past few weeks. Some days are better than others and some evenings are downright swell. But this is an afternoon of mumbling melancholy. This makes it hard to write.
Of course I haven’t been writing much of anything lately unless you count blog posts and client communications (I don’t count them) and this has a lot to do with my bad mood. The new (to me) elliptical trainer helps. Thursday night potlucks help. Kids in general help (except when they’re hanging on me when I’m trying to read or pounding on the bathroom door while I’m trying to take a bath or fighting with each other when I’m on the elliptical trainer and I have to take my iPod earbuds out and scream back at them as best as I can considering I’m a little out of breath and all). But except for those times, the kids are a bright spot to the day. Same goes for their father — generally bright spot — although he also has his moments. (Don’t we all.)
I must be having my midlife crisis because I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I should have done and the things I wish I’d done and the things I better have left undone. This is coinciding with similar feelings from Brett so sometimes in the evening — now that we gave up cable — we play regret roulette; basically spinning our wheels and mourning our choices.
It would be nice to get through this personal growth time, (which is how I tend to think of these downward spirals) and get onto the next phase of living my life. But I’m waiting for some things to resolve and a bunch of those things are out of my control. So I’m waiting. Fidgeting. Feeling sad and scuffling around the house.
Lemme tell you, the state of politics isn’t helping any.
I’m feeling very woe is me.
Uh oh. It isn’t even winter yet. I hope things improve and you can find more bright than dark.
Those endorphins ought to be kicking in–I think it takes 2 weeks of reg exercise. As far as your mid-life crisis..it passes. You will just mentally make that bucket list and get going on those things that you can afford logistically, and monetarily. Your hubby-well he’s another story, he should’ve muddled his way thru this by now!! But don’t tell him I said that, wouldn’t want to give him anymore fuel.I will miss you guys wed night and maybe we could do a potluck on Sunday after Bryans family leaves!!! Chin up
It’s a relief to read this, as you and I are the same age and I have been having similar feelings lately. I decided it’s a midlife crisis, which normalized it and helped. Also helped energize me to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life and get on it, rather than fretting too much about what I did in the past.
Thinking of you and hoping you make much productive progress with all of it!
I feel ya. Same shit, different household.
I’m in a similar place and keep wanting to blame it on the end of summer, but I think it’s more the end of an unhealthy way of being in the world…and existing in the in between space, waiting for the new way to become rhythm. Or something. I didn’t think I would feel like this in my 40s…I thought it would be my 50s. Ah well…
sorry you’re in it too. hope it passes quickly. xo.
Thanks Kelly and right back atcha!!
“Mumbling melancholy” is such a perfect description of that sort of mood.
I hope the next phase comes quickly for you.
I hate those dips in the road. Hugs and sympathy and because it is cold and rainy here, how about some hot tea?
Oh, I hear this loud and clear. I think I’ve gotten on and off the mourning the life I thought I was gonna have bus hundreds of times since I rounded 35. It has a nasty habit of pulling up to my bedside around 3 a.m.
Hang in there, sister!
One good thing about getting old, or as close to it as I am, is that you think less about the stuff you didn’t do and more about what you did. At least that’s been the case for me.
I hope the feelings pass soon. And I sympathize on many levels - definitely think politics is part of it, too.
We must be cycling together
- I’m going through something similar but had attributed to major exhaustion this summer…reason I’ve been sort of quiet…just been feeling like life is happening to me like I’m some sort of bystander…I need to take more control and become an active member again…I’m rambling…just wanted to say “I understand…lots of hugs…and may we all come out better on the other side”
I’m sorry to hear you’ve got the “mumbling melancholy” blues. I am more intimate than I would like to be with various forms of depression, but even when you know the mood will eventually turn the feeling is just as dark and dingy as when you can’t see the bright edges. Hang in there–I’m so jealous of your elliptical trainer!
Poopy. Cable is a good distraction, but we’ve found that playing Five Crowns works well, too. Fun distraction is not the same as being in denial, I swear. There’s nothing that can be done about the shit anyway, you know? *sigh*
Yep. I’m there too. I’m gonna hate to see us in February. I’m thinking of buying a sun lamp…maybe that’ll help. Sigh.
Ditto on the woe. But for different reasons.
Me too! Just a few weeks ago, I was reflecting on how in getting closer to age 40, I feel like I’m growing wiser, more sure-footed. Right now, I don’t feel wise. I feel the exact opposite of “ignorance is bliss,” and I don’t like it one little bit. *hugs*
Well, I’m not sure if you’re approaching 40 right in the middle of it, like me. Recently, I hit a stride of “Oh, my gosh, I’m so close to 50 and what have I done with my life?” And I’ll tell you that my kids continue to be the anchor when those feelings crop up. I’ve got boys 23, 13 and 5. So I fit in SEVERAL mommy groups, teen mom groups and I hate to admit, college mom groups. The trick is not to have them every 10 years like I did, but to try to enjoy every season you’re in. Believe it or not, it’s going to pass really fast, and I don’t mean in terms of kids necessarily. Just be you. That’s enough. You’re a really good writer, btw.:)
Well, of course we know that the secret of life is living in the moment. (Don’t we?)
I have often had to pretend my way to feeling better. It sounds hokey and fake, but honestly, pasting on a smile and pretending like everything is great (to yourself, I mean) really is a step toward actually feeling better.
It’s a tiny way of reversing the trend of “the worse it gets, the worse it gets.”
delurking to say: Me too, me too. And it helps in an odd way to know I am not the only one..
You’re not the only one. The weather is only making it worse with all of the rain her in Chicago.
Hang in there.