Yet another post (by request!)
Firemom, oh she who we adore, said:
I think you need to explain, in yet another post, how “my daughter” makes you feel.
It doesn’t really make me feel anything. BUT in the interest of full disclosure, you might recall this entry from long, long ago (Madison was about five weeks old, which means that I was still getting my openness sea legs):
I won’t say it’s always easy to be in an open adoption. When I think of J. talking about Madison the way the birth moms at shelter talked about their children, I sometimes get sad. I’d like to be the only one with the right to flash her picture around and take pride in her. But you know, that’s my problem. If we had less openness, I wouldn’t have to confront that selfishness of mine (because I do think it’s selfish although understandable) because I wouldn’t have to hear what J.’s co-workers thought of Madison’s picture. But I imagine how much more difficult it is to hear about my side of it. J. looked at the cards people sent us and they all said things like, “Welcome to your family! What a lucky girl! She was meant to be yours!” And wouldn’t that suck way more?
This unites me, I think, with J. I have an inkling — just an inkling, mind you — of how she must feel. How can I deny her the pictures to put on her desk at work? How can I deny the visits to see how Madison is growing? I couldn’t. It is hard at times but it’s good. It’s a personal growth opportunity. And while I sometimes get sick of all of this thoughtful contemplation and examination (could I just lie around enjoying my assumptions for once???), I’ll admit that I’m a personal growth junkie.
I’m a little embarrassed to even re-post that but it was my truth when Madison was five weeks old so I’ve gotta confront it.
I no longer feel this way (obviously). If Madison had been less inclined to climb up my skirt the other day and everyone thought we were just friends of the family and not Madison’s adoptive family (in other words, if they thought Pennie was the only mother), I wouldn’t care.
Madison is Pennie’s daughter any old way so how else could she introduce her to people? So I guess it’s not true I don’t feel anything but what I feel now is acceptance of this basic fact whereas before I was grappling with it. Actually, I guess I feel good about it. So again, I don’t not feel anything, I feel positive about it. I like Madison hearing it for one and I like hearing it myself. I like our family. I LOVE that Pennie (inviting us to the picnic) said, “It’s a family picnic and you’re my family.”
I repeated this later to Madison and I said, “Do you know what makes us family?” And Madison proudly pointed to herself and said, “ME!”
That makes me feel good. I like that.
I’ve come a long way baby!
Oh goodness those ME and FAMILY statements make my heart sing. How lovely for M!
I read your old post and I’m glad I did. I’ve been thinking a lot about infertility and adoption. A lot of “what ifs”.
And I think that was an important point (that I have never thought much about) that any child I parent will be their own person, and not simply an extension of me.
Shannon, I just read your blog and wanted to express my condolences for your loss. The memorial you have for Thomas is beautiful.