Heather asked a good question
So this happened before the time when Madison overheard the mom talking about slippery feet in dance class, right? Do you think it factored into the strong reaction she had in the dance class?
from Heather
Yup, that did happen after. The Incident happened at the beginning of February and then dance class was in April. Madison had already been talking a lot about wanting her skin to match ours months before February and for me one of the sad ironies of this whole thing is that the family in question was one of our social examples of families who don’t match and how that’s ok. I grieve the loss of the friendship with the wife in part because early in our relationship she was part of my support system around this stuff. (Didn’t I tell you that this was ironic?) Not that we agreed on everything about race or adoption but we agreed on enough that the differences were details.
Anyway. Yes, this may have played a part in her strong reaction at dance class. Then again, she had been talking a lot about race and differences and not matching so while The Incident surely didn’t help, she was already struggling. And that’s one reason I just felt so unglued about it all — the wife in question had been witness and support during those particular struggles and so to have her husband be so hurtful and at their home where my daughter had always felt safe — well, it just made it that much MORE. Again, I don’t hold the wife responsible for his behavior and she didn’t witness the event. I just want to make it clear that there’s a whole lot going on here and the password protected stuff is about my friendship with her but I feel pretty darn comfortable publicly condemning him.
I also wonder — and this is pure conjecture — if some surrounding circumstances of that class made Madison feel extra-sensitive going in. Because that class was bookended with socializing with various families including the family in question (without the husband/perpetrator of said deed). Given that she has expressed concern for the kids, I kinda wonder if seeing them might not have pushed The Incident to the forefront of her mind just before heading into ballet. But I don’t know. And I guess truly it doesn’t matter because all that matters now is coping with the fall out.
it is inspiring to read about how you’re dealing with madison on all this. just curious - was noah there too? ie - did he have any reaction or involvement in this whole thing?
Chanie, Noah wasn’t in the room when it happened. He and the bigger kids were playing elsewhere. I told him about it the next day when he came in while Madison and I were talking about it. He was also very upset about it.
It’s going to take me awhile to fully absorb this. I’m still grappling with the initical incident, and how this person could have said what he said.
Thanks for reflecting aloud on this. T and I have had some interesting conversations this weekend this weekend off of this Incident, the PACT camp post at Harlow’s Monkey and some things that came out of our meeting with Firefly’s bio dad.
So much to think about…