Is he racist or just mean?
Regarding the post below. Like I said, I’ve been thinking about writing this for AntiRacist Parent.
I think he’s a bully and I think he goes for what he perceives as weak points. I think he confuses sarcasm with being clever or witty.
Now I love me some sarcasm, don’t get me wrong, but in this case he’s using sarcasm as a weapon. He’s using “but it was a joke” as a cover for being hateful. Does he really hate black children? Well, as far as I can tell, only as much as he seems to hate everyone. But to tell a black 3-year old that he doesn’t like black children — he’s a white man. There’s no way to take that out of the context of his race.
The example I used in the comments to my entry was this:
If my husband — who is not Jewish but is married to a Jew — said snidely to a Jewish child, “We don’t like Jews in this house” I would think he had some serious antisemitism going on and I doubt people would argue with me. But I think white people like me are so nervous about the R word (racism) that we try to make excuses to avoid it.
The fact that this guy has immediate family members who are black is another reason some people said, “But he couldn’t have meant it that way!” You know, that racist way. But I see racism in some of his behavior (statements) to his black family members as well.
There’s a power differential in what he said to Madison that cements this for me. He is a white adult. She is a black child. “In this house, we don’t like brown skinned babies.” From an adult to a brown skinned child.
Is he just ignorant? Unable to understand that a preschooler isn’t the same as an adult? It’s an argument I’ve heard from people who care about him and I used to believe it but his actions seem deliberate to me. When he’s insulted me in the past, his actions seem deliberate. I’ve seen him chuckle over how funny it is to say things that make people angry or hurt their feelings. He takes pride in speaking outside of norms and in upsetting people. He uses cruelty to boost his self-esteem and he does it without considering the consequences to his victims.
(I’ve since talked to people who have confronted him and they say he rolls right over when someone calls him on his shit, which I think is another sign that he’s a bully — hitting people who can’t hit back.)
So yes, I think he’s racist. And sexist. And all sorts of other -ists because I think he’s a bully and he uses those -isms to assert his power over other people. In other words, an equal opportunity abuser and in this case, racism was his means to lash out at a preschooler.
Madison has none of this context; she just has a memory of someone who basically said he didn’t like her because she was black. And Madison was shaken, too, because she knows his black family members and she sees them as vulnerable, (which they are). (Ok, damn — he’s got black kids, ok? More identifying info than I meant to give but it’s important to the discussion.) That scares her — that he said that to her and he has his own brown-skinned children. So the adults (some of them) said, “But he couldn’t mean it because he has black kids” and Madison more clearly sees that the fact that he has black kids makes it that much more hurtful and wrong that he said it to her.
I really do feel better since writing this — my mood is much lighter than it was before I wrote it — but writing about it makes me cry.
Wow… I have no words…………..
I’d say both. He could be both, you know. But you’re right, I think - the guy’s a mean-spirited bully.
I’d also say that it’s not that he doesn’t understand that a preschooler’s not the same as an adult, but that he doesn’t care. I’d be worried for his kids if that’s the case.
*bighugs* to you and Madison - it really sucks that you’re both having to deal with this.
His *kids*?? Wow
Racism is meanness. Using race as a focal point for meanness sounds like racism to me — but even if race hadn’t been the focal point, the interaction would still have been mean.
The guy’s a knob. I don’t think dissection of his knobness is going to reveal much about his motivations, but sounds like it’s helping you to work through your daughter being on the receiving end of it.
Dawn - maybe you should either password protect this or make it a little less info than you have here.
Feel free to delete this comment also.
This man is just plain mean and it sounds like he uses whatever tactic he can to get under people’s skin. It sounds to me like he’s a very scared, timid little boy on the inside and he’s trying to build himself up by tearing everyone around him down.
I could go on and on about this subject. I have to tell my daughter all the time that she is just going to have to come up with a way to cope with other people’s comments because there are always going to be people who are just not nice and who are insensitive. She’s 9 and kids find something to be mean about at that age, whether it’s her race or her hair or her clothes or who knows what. She even asked me the other day if I thought we were a “good family” because we “don’t look alike.” She is biologically my daughter and her biological father is black, but my husband and the one she calls her Dad is half white/half Filipino. It made me so sad to think that she thought we weren’t a good family because we didn’t look alike. She hates that people assume she’s adopted. I’ve told her that it doesn’t matter because there is nothing wrong with being adopted and we know the truth anyway, but she says it still hurts her feelings and she hates having to explain it to every new person who sees us together. Wouldn’t it be nice to take away all the mean and insensitive people in the world? Until then I just have to help her figure out how to deal with it in her own way.
Best of luck with this situation and give Madison an extra big hug!
As I reread this I realized that I implied that he wasn’t racist, just mean. I think he uses racism as a way to be mean! (just wanted to clarify)
Desi, I read it just the way you meant it to be read! Also I think you’ve nailed the little boy thing, too.
This makes me sad for all of you, and I know you will deal with it appropriately for you all and for Madison, and I don’t care how long it took or takes, I know you will and your girl and family will learn from it. But for the wife and kids I am sad too in a way, regardless of the reason she puts up with it. And really, a true bully uses anything to bully - racism is just one of the ways.
So the adults (some of them) said, “But he couldn’t mean it because he has black kids” and Madison more clearly sees that the fact that he has black kids makes it that much more hurtful and wrong that he said it to her.
And Madison is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. He’s a racist and a bully and several things that I will put in my own blog but have a hard time typing out in someone else’s comments.
Like Madison, I really worry for his kids.
Hi Dawn,
I’ve commented here before but I’ve never signed up for a password. Reading your follow-up post here makes me really want to read the original so I can get the full story. How do I go about getting a password?
Thanks,
Lynne
No wise words, just wanted to say how bummed I am that this is happening to Madison, and to you, and to his kids, and to his wife.
He’s both and he brought out my “I wish…” I wish that man had did that when I was around. I would have been horribly embarrassing to both you and Brett.
That said, she will always remember it, but the way you talk with her and work through it together will also follow her. You’re doing fine. If it wasn’t hard Soledad O’Brien wouldn’t have to do “Black in America” for CNN. I can’t wait to see Asian in America or Latino in America.
Keep in mind, I’m big and bad now, but I got called out in High school about being Black and I just stood there, embarrassed and pissed off that I couldn’t think of anything until 2 weeks later. Such is life…
he’s an asshole, is what he is.
i feel sorry for his children. i think madison’s concerns are really warranted. those poor kids.
As if having brown children somehow makes it impossible for him to be a racist! U.S. history anyone? White men have sold their brown children down the river for years.
We had a similar incident when Nat was too young to know what happened. A white mother of Black (biracial with a Black father) children told me Nat’s hair looked like it was going to be trouble and I’d be sorry she had hair like that later. She laid her hand on Nat’s head as she said this.
I haven’t spoken to her or let her near my family since.
Some other things have happened too. I am proud of you for writing about this. I can’t do it–publicly, at least.
I think I would have gone ballistic, but then again I tend to act before I think - and thank goodness for Madison that you think before you act!
From just the couple of posts I’ve read, you have clearly figured this guy out. Most definitely he is a bully; but bullying children puts him in a special category, I think, a very sadistic category.
I haven’t finished the entire thread and don’t know if you have spoken to him about what happened. I believe I would have to, but I’m not sure that would be best for the child in such a situation.
Reading on.