Waiting on the roller coaster
If any adoptive parents are still reading this gargantuan post, what helped you during the emotional rollercoaster of waiting?
from Heather at Production, Not Reproduction: Q&A: Dealing with the Wait
When I look back at the time we were waiting, I remember feeling calm and dreamy and other worldly. I think it’s the only time in my life where I’ve actually achieved a level of zen because even though I sometimes felt impatient and sometimes felt blue, I also felt like those emotions were superficial.
We didn’t wait as long as some people and we waited longer than others. We went into the pool sometime in the summer and Madison was placed with us early the next April. Our profile went out a lot. Most of the time we knew when it went out because our agency did pre-calls — basically if there was anything that might be an issue for us, the agency would call and get explicit permission to share our profile with that expectant family. Then when the woman chose someone else or chose to parent, the agency would call us back and let us know. Then we also had the match/unmatch when the first mom who chose us decided to parent. Our profile went out at least fifteen times (because I think we made a dozen copies and then part way through the wait our agency called to ask us to make more).
Yes, it was an up and down thing but the downs weren’t all that hard. The calls (and the matches) were possibilities and it was easy to get excited about the possibilities but I felt like we were waiting for the right situation and if something didn’t work out then I’d remind myself that it just wasn’t right. Not that it didn’t make me wring my hands with impatience but again, those feelings felt superficial.
I also knew our wait might be longer because early on our social worker told us that my being Jewish was a barrier for some of the people considering our profile. Some of them wanted Christian families (not half and half families) and others didn’t even really understand what Jewish was so they passed us by. I felt like this was good because we wanted someone who felt comfortable with us and so the more reasons there might be to say “no” to us, the more reasons someone else (the right someone) might say “yes.” (See what I mean about the zen? And is it happens, Pennie particularly liked the pluralism of our family. And she also liked that we had a child, which is something else that not everyone who read our profile wanted for their child.)
So what did I do to make the wait go by more easily?
- Daydreamed, about baby names, mostly. (Ironic when you consider that we didn’t end up choosing Madison’s name.)
- Folded and refolded and refolded the baby clothes and cloth diapers. (I remember this, especially because I did it at least once a week and I looked forward to it the way Noah looks forward to ice cream for dessert. This is ironic, too, because Madison ended up being too big for most of the clothes and diapers that we had!)
- Talked to my friends who, happily, listened.
- Read about adoption.
- Talked to our very nice, very patient, very kind, very understanding social worker.
- Worked out, wrote, blogged, played with Noah, chattered to Brett, homeschooled, gardened, etc. (You know, the rest of my life.)
Once we matched with Pennie, things definitely got less zen-friendly because it got so complicated. I was very aware that I was a part of something (her decision) that I shouldn’t have my fingers in but I also needed to respect her need to have contact with us before Madison arrived.
(I’m not going to get into that right now because this post is supposed to be about the waiting.)
Anyway. The waiting was the easy part because I was able to be passive and I liked being passive and feeling the world move on by me, taking me to the next place I needed to be. It got hard when I was in it.
As an aside? I’ve also never felt closer to God than I did when we were waiting. I had absolute faith but when Madison came home? Well, I haven’t really recovered my faith since then. I think it was an innocence lost kinda thing.
Your description of the zen was a lot like my experience during our second adoption. I don’t know if it was because I’d been through it before or because I was already a mom, or what. But the ups and downs were much less intense and I was more objective.
Interesting stuff.
Zen? Whew. I was anything but zen-like. A tiny bit of grace was the most I could hope to muster up during the wait. The inquiring and not hearing back was frustrating, but didn’t stress me out.
Having to say No to kids that social workers thought I was a good match for — but I knew I wasn’t was heartbreaking and perhaps the most difficult part of the wait. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom and here was a child waiting and all I needed to do was say yes. But my agency was wonderful and they always told me to trust my instincts. They often told me that moving a child to the wrong home is doing that child a HUGE injustice. Kids don’t just need any old home, they need the right homes.
It was also hard being taken to committee for a child and not being selected. Heartbreaking, actually.
Then, in the end, I was going to be taken to two committees for two different children and I was the only family going in both cases. So I essentially had to make a choice between two kids that I thought I was a good match for. It still makes me a bit sick to my stomach thinking about that.
The wait was hard. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And there are still unsettling things about the wait. But my son and I are a perfect fit. I hate to say he was meant to be in my life, because if things really went as they should have his birthmom would have been able to parent him. But, circumstances as they were, we were meant for each other. So the end result makes any part of the rollercoaster wait worthwhile.
This brings back some bad memories, but it gives me an opportunity to say it again: I gave birth without drugs, but my husband needed drugs to adopt. What a nightmare. But I agree about the zen–people told me I shouldn’t say I was Jewish too, or that I was planning to go back to work, or whatever, but I thought, as you did, what’s the point of lying? The right person isn’t going to find me if I lie, and I can’t base what I hope will be a lifelong relationship on a lie. And the right person did find us, and she didn’t care that we’re Jewish, and she wanted her daughter’s mom to be an accomplished woman who would give her child every possible opportunity.
Renee, clearly you need to have a blog so I can read it!!!
The wait for the bee was not a big deal to me. We were very focused on doing new things and taking advantage of the moment. We went to disney land several times, hiking in Yosemite, sequoia, and around the bay area, learned to ski in Tahoe and Scuba in Ft. Bragg.
The wait for this new guy was a nightmare, but it had far more to do with my feelings regarding adoption having changed, as well as the emotions of knowing what the queen was going through for eight months! We found out about him so early on…..
*sigh*
You seem to be handling this all so well. Good luck to you!
There was nothing zen-like about our wait. We waited just over two years. I would look at other waiting parents and I would swear that they were all the same - the women baked cookies and were going to quit their elementary school teaching jobs, they all had cute dogs, big yards, lived in the suburbs, etc, etc. We were NOTHING like those people and after a while it really messed with my self-esteem. Like Erin we tried to do as many activities as we could possibly fit into the day, but we still came home to an empty house (and somewhere in there our 18 year old cat died so the house was even more empty). We eventually even packed away the nursery that we had set up.
I also felt guilty for not adopting an older waiting child and this ate away at me during long sleepless nights.
BUT on the positive side I spent a lot of time reading about adoption and finding adoption-related blogs. I learned a lot from all of the birthmother blogs and credit them for my growth. I know now that as a result the wait made me a better adoptive mother (emphasis on adoptive). If our adoption had happened right away I don’t think I would be as compassionate towards the birthfamily as I am now. Not that I’m not a compassionate person by nature, but you know what I mean - I’m not sure I would have thought about it to such a great extent.
I also kept telling myself that a long wait was a good thing. If babies were being placed at a fast pace it surely couldn’t be a good sign of the state of affairs in our society.
Just when I thought I couldn’t handle another minute and was gearing up to get through yet another holiday season, we got the call. Ours was a last minute placement so we didn’t have any of that post-match pre-birth activity or emotions. Knowing our little guy now, I’d wait for him all over again.
For my first adoption I already knew Buddy because he was in foster care with my parents. I was mostly waiting for the sw to get things straight with his mom. The agency fumbled communication several times. The hardest part was not knowing what his mom was thinking/wanting/hoping for. And the terrible fear that I was doing the wrong thing for him either way. Many sleepless nights peering into darkness.
Second adoption was quick and the wait was mostly joyful preparing. The only anxiety I remember was about how Buddy would adjust to a baby brother. I had one family choose us and then decide to parent but that seemed good to me because she kept her son. Punkin’s call came a week after that.
We adopted internationally from China in 2005. The wait felt so easy to me then… we waited less than one year from the time we completed our homestudy to arriving home with our daughter.
This time we are yet again adopting from China. We’ve already been waiting 26 months… and it will probably take another two years. Ouch. I’m trying to cling to my faith, but your “innocence lost” comment really resonated with me.
And hey, I came out of lurkdom for this post!
Amy, I love your rustyletter stuff! Feel free to leave that as a link if/when you comment again!
For y’all:
http://www.rustyletter.com
Tonggu Momma — I love it when lurkers delurk!
Thanks Dawn! Our production has slowed down a little since bringing home the little guy…