New question at Open Adoption Support
It’s one of those not open/open adoptions where the families are seeing each other but the child has no idea who the other family is. In other words, everyone knows that the visitors are the child’s first parents except for the child.
You can weigh in with advice over there.
I am always surprised by the way people say, “My child is fine” and the proof is that the child either had no more questions or didn’t bring the subject up again. Silence isn’t always golden. I really do think it’s our job to bring stuff up in a “Hey, do you ever think about…?” kind of way. I’m not talking about hounding the poor dears but if we don’t bring it up how will they know we’re willing to talk about it? We can’t put all the risk on our kids. We have to assume some (lots) of the uncomfortable discussion burden ourselves.
(Listen, the way that Noah is, if we didn’t periodically bring up adolesence and s-e-x talk the kid would think the storks found babies under cabbage leaves. It’s our job to make sure he isn’t forced to live in ignorance just because he’s too shy to ask.)
haha. the noah sex talk reference made me chuckle. with my son approaching eleven we have recently gone through lot of that talk. his dad did lots of is but we discuss freely. nearly choked on my coffee when he tells me about “wrappling the pickle”
my daughter is the same way. 10 and super innocent. not sure how to strike the right balance between not wanting her to live in ignorance and giving her info that she wants/asks for/is ready for and not necessarily go beyond that.
You hit the nail on the head - “if we don’t bring it up, how will they know we’re willing to talk about it?” As the birthmother, I couldn’t have been happier about how my son’s parents handled talking with him. They answered questions all along, had pictures of me in the house and talked to him about it in a way that made it just a part of who he was. He’s 22 now and couldn’t have a stronger self-image. I share our experience in my book, Because I Loved You. I wish all adoptive parents were as respectful of their child as you and my son’s parents are.
Ah, this is a person I referred to OAS from another list I’m on. Glad she took it over there. I didn’t know what to tell her.
Right on!! One of my favorite stories dates back to the pre open adoption era. A wide adoptive mother wanted to ask her son if he was ever curious…because SHE WAS! So one day she saw him staring in the mirror for quite some time, She simply said: “I wonder who you look like, too.”
This opens the door and lets the adoptee know it is not a forbidden subject that will hurt you as his mom. It gives them “permission” to be honest and not hold it all in like a pressure cooker.
I so many relationships, each person waits for the other to open that door and it stays forever shut though both are just dying (sp?) to open it and walk through! It’s like a line in a song that we are are in a prison and each have the key and never know it.
Curiosity about heritage is normal and healthy! If not there would not be so much interest in genealogy.
The “everyone knows but the child” scenario is going to backfire ad kick some people in the ass when the child finds out that that had been the situation. He will rightly feel terribly BETRAYED!
Children are far more resilient and understand things far better than we give them credit for. Children know who “Mommy” is, even if another is identified as their “mother.” “Mommy” is the one who is ALWAYS there to comfort, etc. I feel very sorry, too for the natural mothers in those charades! How awfully painful to ask a mother to be a party to such a ruse.