Angst and career stuff
Jul 1, 2008 work work work
I’m at a place where I need to stop and reorient myself and figure out what the heck I’m doing and it’s not been easy. I met with someone today and started out thinking I was going to have to resign myself to a certain situation but she asked enough pointed questions that I ended up all trembling and tearful confessing that I don’t know what in the heck to do next but that the way I’m doing things now isn’t really working the way I want it to. So she gave me a sound (but loving) talking to and reminded me of what I really wanted out of this great freelancing gig I’ve been working on. She shook her finger at me and shook her head and patted me on the back when I needed it. Plus she bought lunch because I was pitiful. (Honestly — we agreed that this was so. I was a little pitiful.)
Having mentors is a great blessing especially, I think, for women who have some extra things to overcome. (Like the number of people who think I’m freelancing as a hobby. You know, until my husband gets a real job.)
One of the hardest things in the world for me is to accept help when I don’t have something to trade to make it all even. It makes me feel guilty and vulnerable and like I need to scurry away and hide somewhere. But there are a couple of women in my life (Julia being one, Chris being the other and the one who bought me lunch today) who just won’t let me reject their support and encouragement. I want to be them someday, which is as a good a reason as any to hang in there, right? Because this freelancing thing? It can be ugly and competitive and people will sell you out so if you don’t have some folks who are there to cheer you on, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. And man, I’ve been feeling disoriented and overwhelmed and ready to throw in the towel.
But they won’t let me quit. They believe in me when I’m having trouble believing in myself. (sniff)
July 1st, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I’m glad you got some career support today.I know it’s hard to believe in yourself, but you should know that you have a lot of peeps pulling for you. This many people can’t be wrong!
July 1st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
It’s great that you have people to be in your corner when you are doubting yourself. We should all be so lucky to have those kinds mentors and friends.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm
When you request help even if you have “nothing to offer” at that particular moment, you are giving someone the most exquisite joy that exists in life, the opportunity to help someone, expecting nothing in return.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Kathi D, that’s a lovely way to think about it. Thank you.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I think most writers have rollercoasters of confidence when they think they can do anything and then the next day are so full of doubt they become paralyzed when choosing which cereal to have for breakfast. For that reason it’s great to have a support system that understands.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Kathi D is very very right, and I, for one, really truly love to help other people.
You know, you’re a HUGE inspiration to me — I cannot even believe that you’ve been coping with the extreme stress of supporting your family with your WORK (it must be really hard to have to face the kind of thinking that you have to face, the husband getting a real job thing).
We’re entering a similar situation now, only K still has a job, but his pay will be cut in half. We could only keep the house for a bit longer if *I* had a job and I’m terrified and frustrated that my PESKY Ph.D. makes me pretty USELESS and all I can really do is be a stupid adjunct who makes almost no money whatsoever because the academic market sucks. I will post about that soon, but as for now, I’m just back to my old ways of making the comments about me — hoping to show you how highly I think of your efforts. They totally give me hope that I can find something to do to help support my family too, in spite of my limitations.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:21 am
I’m glad you have them, Dawn. And don’t feel guilty, woman, because someday you’ll get the opportunity to pass it forward.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:49 am
I do believe! It’s true. You are a kick-ass writer in a multitude of ways - which makes it hard for you to focus (because you can do a wide variety) but that is a good thing. I promise.
And…um, you do trade out with me. You laugh at my jokes about my husband and sick kids (who else will laugh with me that them sleeping a long time is a side benefit to kidney failure!) and last I heard I still don’t know what a plug in is or where to load it on my blog. But luckily I have you.