What do you get…
When you gather six siblings across three marriages who have never been in the same place at the same time into one room to surprise the father they share? Answer: It’s a trick questtion! Because at least one sibling won’t get there!!
So we were trying to have a family reunion for my dad and boy howdy, did it bring out the daddy issues! Tears! Rants! Cussing! (that would be me — all three) Frantic angry phone calls! Rabid emails! (Me and me again.)
And I was not the only one although I was the most, shall we say, vocal. But! I love my father although I grieve my father and like the other scurrying, worrying daughters (and one laid-back son) I had high hopes for the day.
Five kids made it although to be fair three of us live in Ohio and making it there wasn’t so hard. Two flew across country. And one didn’t make it onto her plane. We are sad about that. The one who didn’t make it is the one most lost to us. I haven’t seen her in twenty-five years and the youngest two kids didn’t even know she existed until they were in grammar school.
It may be that my dad will never get to see his kids together and that is heartbreaking but it’s also the truth of our family. Surely you can now see why I’ve been mulling over family-of-origin AND adoption issues this week while I worked my way through all of this.
Grieving — yet again — my dad even as I love my dad reminds me of how Madison is sure to grieve Pennie even as she loves Pennie and that sometimes that grief and that love will look like other things. Nobody could replace my daddy — the one I had or the one I missed. My oldest sister (the one who missed her plane) who had a step dad would surely say the same thing even though my dad released his parental rights because everyone said it would just be fine. And I sure can’t replace Pennie.
(What kind of ludicrous world is it that anyone assumes that anyone can replace your lost parents anyway???)
But I also realize I can never make this all better for her. I can’t protect her from it. I can’t shield her. I miss my daddy and she will miss her mommy. But I can love the hell out of her and I can love Pennie and I can get out of the way when I need to and I can listen with sympathy whenever they talk. That’s all I can do.
Life is so hard. We love each other so much and it’s still so damn hard.
The whole thing made me miss Pennie like crazy but she has plans tonight so tomorrow we will see her. Because that’s another thing. She has her own family of origin stuff (obviously I ain’t gonna spill her laundry here) and so she totally gets mine. I can say to her, “Wow, I am totally damaged in this way” and she can say, “Word. I am totally damaged in my own way.” We bond over this. And we bond over our worries and fears and ridiculously overflowing love for Madison. We used to think that we could make the right decisions and make it all ok and lately we’ve been talking — we can only make it a different kind of hard but we can love her any old way and love each other, too. And step out first with forgiveness knowing that all of us — my dad included — are just doing the goddamn best we can.
I am sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped. It sounds like it must have been a very stressful few days.
I am sorry it is so hard. I am so glad you are full of love on every side. Blessings on all of you.
sounds hard, and i can totally understand why it would bring up all these issues. i too am sorry it didn’t work out.
i think your awaareness of the issues will help though, even if it can’t make things ‘all better’ for madison.
What a bummer from start to finish. I always think that once this stuff is worked out, then it’s worked out, but it always just comes up again and again. Yucky.
That sounds hard.
Perhaps Madison will miss her bio Daddy too? The one that I assume has no contact with her? Penny at least is “there” … they have a real relationship. She knows her smile, can call her on the phone, can visit. No, it’s not the same, but it’s a lot better than that big nothing that’s an estranged parent, or one that one never knows.
Perhaps she’ll feel his absence much more keenly than Pennie’s, who has a real “presence” defined by a “present” relationship. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
I’m sorry this was so hard, and totally understand why it was.
The last line of this post is particularly meaningful to me and how I’m feeling these days, and I appreciate you expressing my thoughts so perfectly!
I think I mentioned my dad issues in a reply a while back. My sisters and I went to see our dad sick in the hospital. My brother made it a few days later. I am so glad we all went. I am so glad my dad told us he was sorry even if he had to add the “IF” as in sorry IF I did anything to hurt you. My dad passed away last Friday, peacefully, at home with his family which did not include us. This week we have to do the visitations and the funeral. I want to ask them all if they know why, why he was not in our lives, if he ever talked about us. I want to know who the hell he was. It is confusing, what to do and how to act through all of this. Peace to you Dawn, it’s just conforting in some weird way to know there are others who have similar issues and like us, just get on with life. I always say life is messy.
[...] Dawn wrote an interesting piece her family dynamics. Dawn is not a stepmother but she is the mother to one adorable daughter that arrived via adoption into her family. In addition to Madison, she gave birth to a son named Noah. [...]
Laura, my condolences. I’m thinking of you.