I’m editing
Jun 12, 2008 Adoption
I took home some of my on-site work to edit it since I don’t need to see the products to fix my mistakes. Apparently I have this crazy idea that articles like “the” and “a” are not needed in today’s modern product write-ups. Re-reading my copy has convinced me that I was mistaken in this belief.
Last night we talked to Pennie on the phone. She’s moving to a new apartment at the end of summer and Madison was worried that she wouldn’t know where Pennie lives so she double-checked about that and was reassured. Pennie also got a new PINK laptop and Madison is anxious to get a look at that, lemme tell you. When Madison signed off she said, “Bye-bye, birth mama!”
When it comes to adoption language I think people ought to be able to call themselves what they want to be called. And I feel pretty darn cool about using “first mom” in the official capacity of talking generally about adoption because:
- I know this is what many mothers want to be called when we are talking generally about adoption;
- I like the way it shakes up preconceived ideas about MOTHERS by asserting primary — first — motherhood to women who place/lose children to adoption.
But in our regular, everyday experience of Madison’s adoption we use birth mother/birth mommy/birth mama (most often Madison uses “birth mama”) and I like this, too, in fact more than I would like first mama. Why?
Well, I was thinking on that last night. For Madison, her first understanding of Pennie as her mother was that Pennie had been pregnant with her and gave birth to her. This is so essential, you know? She was around two when she understood well and truly that she is OF Pennie and she has great respect — as do all little kids — for the tremendous intimacy of being OF her mother. I feel like preschoolers are such little pronatalists and Madison was no exception. For the past couple of years she and her friends have been fascinated with pregnancy and birth and Madison — like the rest of them — talks about when she herself will be pregnant and give birth. While she certainly is a fan of mine, being as she’s a fan of motherhood in general, she naturally has awe in spades for Pennie her BIRTH mama, the mama who made her and grew her and birthed her.
While she has struggled with sadness that she doesn’t look like me, she has also become more and more proud that she looks like Pennie. Yes, it’s scared her but it’s also undeniable that she was adopted, that she was born to one woman and then came to live with another and lately she’s been owning that with assertive pride. I don’t know if this will stick around but we’re celebrating it while it’s here.
I don’t know if, for her, first mama would have this same complicated connotation. I mean, sure, she would still have this all about Pennie but calling her “birth mama” is all wrapped up in her love and recognition of who Pennie is to her.
Her reaction to Nina Bonita is part of this. And her recent gleeful excitement when Noah told her that darker skin is “super skin” because it doesn’t burn like his pale, pale skin does.
Her increased affection for Pennie seems like an accurate barometer for her increased understanding and acceptance of her adoption story. I know she got it at two (she was about 2 1/4 on this day) and she has struggled mightily but I see that sad day at ballet class as a turning point. Since then she’s been talking more about skin color and she’s been putting more on us. She’s also been asserting herself as a black person. (She uses black now whereas before she more often said brown skinned although she does still use brown skinned.) For example, she has told many people about the ballet class and rolled her eyes saying, “I told mommy, I want a class with more black kids.” Then she saw a show with African dance and said, “THAT is what I want to do!” Before when we brought it up she was very negative about the idea. But she’s noticing and identifying more often with black people in her world.
At the same time, she’s seeking Pennie out more. She’s talking about her more. She’s talking about loving her more. She’s always handed the phone to me after talking to Pennie but now more often she’s coming to take it back.
“She’s my birth mama,” she’ll say as she marches away with the phone.
Lemme tell you, it makes this second mama feel awfully good.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:57 am
You know, I understand that words take on meaning based on their use, and some of the historical use of “birth mother” implied that a woman had no role or value beyond production and placement. So I get why some women are uncomfortable with it. But to me the objection seems kind of rooted in that same mentality - that the physical act of giving birth is a one time thing and so to call someone a birth mother implies that they have no further role. Whereas what I hear you (and many other women) saying, is that in fact giving birth creates an ongoing lifelong connection. Whether the adoption is open or closed or somewhere in between, that woman will ALWAYS have a tie to the child and an important role to play in their lives. She will always have a connection that no one else has and no one can take away. Obviously adoptive mothers create strong and important bonds of their own, but they don’t replace those first bonds. I almost feel like by rejecting the term birth mother we’re allowing ‘them’ to define the value of birth in a way that I think many of us disagree with.
I should add that I absolutely agree with you about calling people by the terms that feel most comfortable to them.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Madison blows me away, again and again. She is a smart, funny child who owns her story in a way that leaves me in awe.
And I love the way you talk about your kids, Dawn. You have such respect for them as individual, quirky, funny people!
June 13th, 2008 at 7:27 am
ah birth mother, first mother…I call myself a first mother in general. Why? Because I didn’t like the way the SW called me Cupcake’s birth mom like I didn’t have a name or other role - anywhere. Ever.
BUT, if Cupcake looks up and me and says that I’m her birth mama - my heart will melt, break, and fill up all at the same time. So my thoughts on “first mother” aren’t necessarily tied to what Cupcake will call me - not one bit. As long as she’s calling me I’ll be happy (unless she calls me tummy mommy….we might need to talk about that one…. haha)