My little sisters
Jun 11, 2008 Adoption
I went out to eat last night with three of my four sisters. So it was my big sister, Erica, and my little sisters Lindsay (no web presence) and Whitney. It was fun but hectic because three out of four of us are too loud (Lindsay is the nicest most listening-est of the bunch).
I have had a shaky relationship with my little sisters up until the last few years and sometimes still I feel totally lost around them. This is because the first arrived when had just turned 14 and the second arrived when I was 17 and I still hadn’t quite got over my dad disappearing from my life. Now that I’ve had my own very small, very time consuming kids I understand how it can look like the teens don’t need you as much as the littles but the 14-year old memory of myself is still a little bruised. (FYI: Teens need their moms and dads just as much as 3-year olds.)
It’s a very uncomfortable thing to be jealous of teensy-tiny babies who then grow up into enviable girls, tweens and teens.
Now I’ve accepted that they have a father I wish I’d had and that as a result, they have relationships with him that I will always miss having. I still feel that loss pretty profoundly and I also — through the loss of that part of my dad — feel the loss of my extended family. My little sisters have gone out to California and met the relatives and recently went to the Friedman family reunion. I haven’t seen most of my west coast relatives since we moved out of there in 1977. I miss the connection, too, in large part because that’s my Jewish side of the family. I hurt for that family history, I really do. But there are six of us (my dad’s kids) and none of us feels like we got enough (even the two youngest because heck, don’t we always want more of our parents?) and I just can’t push my way through to claim the things I wish I had.
My reaction is to stop and grieve it and not try to grab at the things or push because there’s always someone else pushing and it seems like it’d be too easy for us to fall apart and turn into one of those families where people start a fistfight at a funeral or something. You know? And I do know that pictures and mementos won’t heal the hurt anyway. I don’t really remember my grandparents and there’s not a lot I can do about that. i was shy with them when I was a kid and only saw them once as an adult. I can’t ever get that time back.
(One thing though — I have Grampa and Granma’s mezuzah — the one that hung on the doorway of their apartment. I wish I had more but at least I have that. It’s the only thing I have and it means a lot to me.)
In some ways I feel closer to Brett’s grandparents because I knew them a little better and had more of them as an adult. Brett’s family never splintered like ours and so I don’t feel the same crazed worry that we won’t get any of the things — the pictures, the books, the history — that I wish I had from my own family. (My mom’s family has splintered across generations, too, and my mom has missed out on a lot of this stuff so her kids have, too.) It’s something Brett takes for granted and I’m relieved that I can take it for granted, too. This is why we moved back — so Noah could have the memories that Brett has and that I missed. That’s why when Noah was a month old I knew we were going back even if Brett didn’t know it yet.
But this makes me think of Madison and how her family not only splintered, it cracked right from the start. And I know that likely she will grieve the way that I have only harder because in some ways she will have to fight her way into our family (her adoptive family), too.
When she was already here for a few months, Brett’s sister-in-law was pregnant with her first baby. They found out they were having a girl and she sent an email out to everyone saying that it was the first girl-child on Wick’s family tree in so many generations. (I can’t remember how many but Brett’s dad is the only son of an only son and Brett is, of course, the oldest of three brothers.) I wrote back and said, “Actually Madison is the first daughter on the family tree in so many generations.” She apologized and said she only meant the first genetic daughter. Well, all hail genetics, right?
Where will Madison get to feel “real?” Where can she rest and know that she belongs to her family? Will she get cut out of things because she’s not the genetic daughter? And cut out of her birth side because she wasn’t there to participate? When Brett’s dad’s family flag flies (seriously, they have a family flag — Brett comes from a long line of WASPs), will Madison feel proud or like an impostor or both?
I hope I get better at dealing with my own grief so that I can help her deal with hers someday. And I left dinner last night knowing that we have to get her down to see the Southern side of her birth family somehow. We need to figure out a way to do that.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:47 am
My dad’s dad died right before my little sister’s high school graduation, and so we went through a few months on that side of the family that were emotionally intense and some things happened that shone a bright light on the reality of my relationship with that part of my family. There two things in particular that still hurt - I grieve differently and I’m not in a lot of photos. The photo thing has always been a source of hurt for me because I have one picture of my mom and dad and I together as a baby (or ever), and not a lot of other photos of me from before I was four (when I moved in with my grandparents). I’ve always felt like I didn’t really exist before then, and even though I was in my 20s when my grandfather on my dad’s side died, it made me realize that my dad’s family, as much as they were my rock and my source of strength and comfort, were not as much my family as they were my brother and sister’s.
This all got even worse when MD and I got married the following year, and even though peace was made a long time ago I am always conscious of the divide.
Thankfully, Jamie doesn’t feel it. The barriers that existed for me - I never lived with my dad and stepmom, the age gap between my siblings and I, the apparent lack of understanding of certain family mores and rules - don’t exist for him. Plus as my sister has matured and become her own person our relationship has blossomed. And having Jamie has given me the courage to actually ask her to be a part of our lives, whether it’s to babysit or do fun things with us. I’ve always been too afraid of rejection to really reach out before him.
I feel ya. And I feel for Madison. There are challenges - but your ability to communicate all this (and willingness) are to her advantage. Still, it’s going to be difficult.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:53 am
Ugh — that feeling of not existing? I bet a lot of adoptees who were adopted not from birth have that experience. I’m glad you’ve been able to forge a new way. Family stuff sucks, eh? I’m going to go back to writing about earrings (so much more fun than writing about gloomy relative stuff!) and pretend everything is Just Fine.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Before my grandmother died, she was explaining her will to my dad and I, she left all money to her grandchildren; XXX to the “bloods” and XX to my other two cousins.
Those boys were my uncle’s children that he adopted when they were school age. They were originally his stepchildren. They had been part of our family for 30 years at that point. I was stunned. I asked if she would distinguish between Mallory and the other great-grandchildren that way. My gram was confused, she said “no, Mallory’s ours.” In her eyes Mallory being with us since she was 14 hours old made a difference in adoption. Just weird.
No one in my family or Bert’s sees Mallory any different as far as belonging to us and our heritage. However, Mallory does.
She doesn’t think of herself as a great-great-great grandaughter of a pioneer woman. Neither does she call herself Irish.
She claims her own genetic ethnicity. But as far as previous generations that are “hers”, I don’t think she has any beyond who she knows. My grandmother in my family and her first father’s mother in her adoption. So rarely expresses problems with it, but I know it bothers her sometimes. I wrote a post about it a long time ago when we visited my family’s homestead.
I only have speculative ties on people who died generations before me, and honestly it’s the genetic relation that fascinates me. I can honestly see how an adoptee would say “those aren’t my people.” However I would be completely offended if someone told an adoptee they COULDN”T claim those people. Does that make sense? I think it’s Mallory’s decision if those ties are hers, not anyone else’s.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I can certainly relate to worrying about an adopted child feeling like part of the family. It happened with both sides of our family right from the start. My husband’s family wouldn’t come to a baby shower, “just in case” the adoption didn’t happen. I still think they favor my husband’s cousin’s (biological) child over my daughter–even though my daughter is, obviously, both cuter and better-behaved.
My grandmother had decided to leave all her family treasures to my aunt’s children, “so it would stay in the family” and sent my mother an e-mail that made my blood boil, talking about the importance of blood. (It is to be noted that neither of my cousins have children to whom they can pass on family possessions.) My grandmother has since met my daughter, and adores her, so we’ll see what happens, but the intent was there, and I will never forget that.
We also have recently had rejection from members of her biological family, though not her first mom that we know of, so the poor kid just can’t win.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Lisa, I totally get what you’re saying about it being Mallory’s choice. I do wonder what ties will be most meaningful to Madison — I just hope she has access to them whichever they are. (I remember your homestead post, too.)
June 11th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Jess, my heart goes out to your daughter who surely is the cutest and most well-behaved! (and most accomplished karate master!!!!)
June 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
You know, you really can’t tell how Madison will feel about all of this. She might feel like you, and then you can grieve together, because it’s not fixable. It’s another aspect of what you know and feel about adoption.
But, maybe Madison will be like me, and not care so much about some things. I for example, care nothing at all for any possession, even things as fraught with meaning as a mezuzza or candlesticks carried across the oceans. The world I’m aiming for is one where everyone belongs, because no one belongs, because we’re all mixed up misplaced unique individuals.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Wow, lots of emotions. I can relate to so many things you wrote and to many of the comments. I won’t try to address them all here. The dad thing is big for me right now. My dad was pretty much absent from our lives even when my parents were still married. He drank and stayed gone spending what little money we had. I got a call last Thursday that is he very ill. Actually my step mother just left a message to call her. This is a woman who NEVER, ever calls me. My heart dropped, I though for sure he was dead. I felt such immediate, immense regret. I was so shocked at how I felt, to think I could never speak to him again. Well, he wasn’t dead but he does have some nasty advanced cancer. We really can’t get enough info to figure it all out.
My three sisters (I am oldest) and I drove to Dayton Friday to see him. I also have a younger brother who could not go that day. Our fathers appearance shocked us but more than that my sisters reaction shocked me. She was one who never seemed to care, always claimed she was over it. I’m still not sure where her reaction welled from, she battled breast cancer last year and so far is winning. Anyhow, my point is what a can of worms this has opened. You are so right Dawn, kids, all kids need their parents. My dad still has no clue how we suffered because he was gone. He told us he was sorry IF he did anything to hurt us. Oh boy, slap me again. Then he tells us how wonderful his step son in law is, ok, I will stop there.
And on adoption, my husband adopted my oldest son. I felt many of the conflicting emotions others mentioned here and my son always felt like an outsider. Lots of painful memories.
On the good side I am way better at handling my grief these days. I have worked through so much it amazes me. I guess that is why my sister who is only 2.5yrs younger than me shocked me with her anger and grief. I am past most of the anger these days and that is such a relief. Sorry to go on I know you hardly know me….
June 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Short story long, my parents divorced when I was two, and I never even spoke to my bio dad after my 5th bday. My mom remarried when I was seven and my little bro was five. Then they had another girl and boy. My mom always favored my little bro, saying how his bio dad abandoned him when he was a baby, and then there was the other two…what about me? I was the oldest and didn’t act or even look like them (I looked like my maternal grandparents-who my mother resented and my bio father, who was hated in my house).
Now, after 28 years of hellacious back and forth and begging my mother to respect me, let alone like me (she doesn’t love me, I know that)…I gave up. I only stayed that long for my two girls, but when I realized my girls didn’t care about her, that was my clue. They knew all along what I fought-my family would never embrace me as one of them. So I stopped fighting it and gave in-we no longer speak.
But my husband’s family? They embraced from the first meeting. I think I fell in love with my in-laws before I realized I was falling hard for my hubby. And I have a SIL who also is estranged from parts of her family…and we both know how lucky we are to come across this perfect family we married into, full of people who love us for us, and who dote on our children.
I would say even if Madison feels splintered, she will never feel lost like I do. You and Brett and Noah and Pennie and everyone else obviously care so much about her. And those who don’t accept her don’t deserve her.
Great post, by the way!
June 11th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Wow, Laura. Love to you in all of this family stuff. So glad you’ve found a way to handle your grief now.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Jennifer, I’m so sorry that you didn’t get the attention you so deserved but so happy that you’ve found new family in your husband and in-laws!!
June 12th, 2008 at 5:08 am
I love the symbolism of inheriting the mezuzah–like an eternal sign to you to feel welcome. Also the symbolism of the flag, like the family is a tiny nation. A person can have dual citizenship in more than one country, and I suppose in more than one family, also.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Ruth “dual citizenship” is a really good working analogy in open adoption.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Oh, it hit post too quick. I meant to say “thank you” because I had never thought of it that way.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Jennifer, I don’t know you but I am so sorry for all you have had to go through.
And thanks Dawn!