Comments on: Second choice vs. Second best

By: (not exactly addressing) second choice vs second best « the night kitchen: writing when i should be making dinner

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 23:46:59 +0000

[...] addressing) second choice vs second best Posted by cynthia under adoption, parenting Dawn and others have written about this whole second choice vs second best thing in adoption recently, [...]

By: Dawn

Dawn — Sat, 31 May 2008 20:08:12 +0000

Molly, I think the danger in that route is that it means that the reason PENNIE had to have an unplanned pregnancy and lose her daughter is for ME. I don’t think everything happens for a reason but I think we each have the opportunity in hindsight to find our OWN meaning in what’s happened to us.

For me, going through infertility was an opportunity to get to know myself better and to learn compassion but I can’t say that my journey will be any comfort to Madison nor that it SHOULD be comforting to her. (Me, I have no truck with my path to parenting either of my kids — it is what it is.)

By: Molly

Molly — Sat, 31 May 2008 19:43:50 +0000

Does it help to believe that everything happens for a reason? If you had immediately gone the adoption route rather than trying to get pregnant, you would not have Madison.

By: -d

-d — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:28:46 +0000

I’ve always looked at similiar to dating. You try lots of different ways before the right way lands in your lap.
-d

By: Sang-Shil Kim

Sang-Shil Kim — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:03:08 +0000

Dawn, thanks for linking, and thanks for writing this. There are some times when I wish adoptive parents would stop trying so darn hard to FIX everything for adoptees, and instead let us hurt, heal, and learn at our own pace, on our own terms.

I know that this will obviously have to be age-appropriate and that children DO need help and guidance, but as an adult adoptee I often feel that people (including APs who are not related to me) are STILL trying to explain things away and make my emotional “ouchies” all better. As you can imagine I find this ineffective at best, and insulting/patronizing at worst.

I wish I could tell these people that not being able to solve all your kids’ pains and problems doesn’t make you a bad parent. Rather, it seems that giving them the space (along with the foundation, tools, and support) to solve those problems themselves would go far in making you a good one. It’s not doing nothing; it’s actually doing something very complicated.