Hearing from you all
It really helps to hear that other adopted kids are having/have had the same struggles that Madison has had. It’s especially important to hear it from people who hold the same values around adoption that I hold. Thank you for that. Sometimes I’m hesitant to post stuff because I know it provides ammunition for the anti-openness camp but I also think it’s important to talk about it so that we all can get support from each other and keep working to do right by our kids.
Yesterday I met an adoption mother who is not only on another page, she’s on another planet. It was like walking into an alternate universe, truly.
After a ten minute conversation with her I knew the circumstances of her children’s placement (including way sensitive information); I knew how much her adoptions cost; and I knew details of her children’s first moms’ circumstances. I was very uncomfortable and felt bad for her kids.
She asked me if we were going to adopt again and instead of just saying, “Two kids is plenty for us” when she asked why, I said, “We have concerns about the ethics of the industry.” (Why did I say this? I think partly because I wanted to let her know that we were not on the same planet and partly because I wanted to yank her chain a little. I’m not proud of it but I can be petty like that.) She said, “Thank you! Yes, thank you for saying that!” Which led into a little diatribe on her part about how adoptions cost too much and that sure wasn’t ethical for the poor put-upon adoptive parents out to save the world one child at a time.
Argh.
I said I was more concerned with the the presence of coercion and she rushed to assure me that her children’s parents really didn’t deserve to have their kids anyway. That made me feel so much better. (Not.)
I could tell she was casing Madison before she said anything to me. I’ve seen her around before so I knew she was the white adoptive mom of at least one African American child and I figured our paths would cross sooner or later. Yesterday I saw her standing eyeing Madison and I knew she was going to come and try to find out how Madison came to be my child. She opened by complaining about her own 2-year old daughter’s hair and telling me that they were going to straighten it soon so pretty much from the start I knew we weren’t going to be hanging with each other.
Ahh well.
What disturbs me about people like this woman (beyond their having adopted kids who then have to grow up in families like this) is that they help shape our public view of adoption. Like Madonna who can’t understand why people are so angry with her for “saving a child”, they make adoption an altruistic good deed that’s all about the adoptive parent and totally dismiss the needs of their children.
(Honest to god, this woman introduced herself to Abby with, “Hi, I’m [name] and I have [number of kids].” Bully for you, you sainted bastion of motherhood. Bully for you.)
Why am I ranting about this? So I can say again how grateful I am to the people I know who share my values — both the in real life people and the in my computer people. Why thank you, kind friends. Madison has a better mother for your presence in my life!
Yeah, she was super weird and wanting lots of props for having a lots of children and “saving” more than half of them from their dirty, dirty birth moms. She was gross.
This reminds me of my aunt, who will tell you anything, including about her two adopted kids and one foster kid (all adults now). She talks all the time; I don’t think she can help it. And her views on adoption on cringe-inducing. In her case I feel for her (tragic childhood) and feel for her kids.
But, what this post really reminds me of is what I was thinking about last night when the baby would not sleep. There was a story on the local news about a pregnant woman who works as a waitress. She got a preprinted card in a bill saying “We want to adopt your baby. We are a loving couple, blah blah blah.” She was extremely insulted, and said all the things on the news that one would expect, like that just because she works in a service industry doesn’t mean she can’t raise her child. (She is a blonde, pretty woman, which is interesting too.) Anyway, I started thinking about what kind of tip you leave when you want someone’s baby. I mean, you wouldn’t give your baby to a couple who tipped a measly 15%, right? So, those poor people are probably out a huge tip, and they still didn’t get a baby!
soundsl ike an incredibly insecure woman. those poor children.
I do that ALL the time- not keep my mouth shut when people are clearly idiots, that is. usually i don’t feel better afterwards, but i can’t seem to help myself. and yes, i think for me too it is about wanting the other person to know i am NOT on the same page with them. i do feel for her kids, too- so much.
So frustrating, and so sad for the kids. I’m glad you yanked her chain, hope it gets her thinking a bit, although it sounds like she’s to far gone.
Yes, I am taken back when people tell me how lucky my adopted daughter is, when they tell me how I am doing such a selfless thing, when they complain about the “high cost.”
However, I think you have to realize that it is a topic that a lot of people haven’t had to consider thoroughly and let the comments roll off your back. (Now I know this woman clearly is immersed in adoption, being an adoptive parent, so that is a bit different).
Still, I don’t think any of us have figured out all the ethics, or determined a right or wrong way to behave. I think all the people who have closed adoptions honestly feel in their heart that that is a better way to proceed. It is not necessarily because they are ignorant.
I say this as an adoptive parent myself. I struggle with the ethics, but when anyone tells me there is a certain right or wrong way to handle adoption, I am skeptical. I am not sure what is right in many respects — contact with the birth mother or not, moving to a mixed racial area or not, working with the assumption that as an adopted child that child will necessarily have issues, or knowing that all children are different in this respect.
Questions, questions, questions. We all struggle to take the right path here, and I think we all need to continue to learn from other people and other ideas, but try not to judge too much.
Good grief! I’ve gotten myself into a few of those and although I realize I can’t make them see the light I still can’t keep my big mouth shut…hoping that something I said will rattle in there until it makes sense at a later time.
Ugh…don’t get me started on the straightening hair thing when it’s done because they’d rather not bother learning how to style it.
Sometimes I get lulled into a sense of security because of like-minded people here on the net, plus supportive friends and family (and even some who didn’t initially get it now do) so sometimes it’s shocking to hear that kind of adoption weirdness coming out of someone’s mouth…then I have to stop and realize that many think like that…sad.
Ugh. That straightening the hair bit? Double ugh.
Thanks for sending her my way. I had already told her that I thought hair-straightening sent the wrong message to our kids, but she wandered over after she talked to you anyway. Wish I could chat more, but I’m off to save some children!
I feel like I have a lot to say about this post, but I just keep coming back to these bits: that interaction sounds super yucky, your responses were right on and I’m so glad you said them, and I agree with what folks are saying that the straightening her daughter’s hair part is especially yucky.
Oh, and I’m glad to be one of those in your computer people, to have you in my computer. =)
Ick. Ick, ick, ick… I know we live in the same place… I hope I never come across this woman.
Oh, yeah, I feel ya. I hate when that happens.
It happens to me almost never but to the missus, it’s a constant. She is in her late 40s and looks it, I’m mid-30s and look 27. All we can figure out is, I’m presumed by this type of person to be the younger mom who got in trouble and chose to responsibly raise my mixed race illegitimate child. (We concluded this when one of them came out and said it to my face.)
She is presumed to be the grandma or infertile adoptive mom who is so, so grateful to have a child to raise that she shares whatever negative ideas and beliefs they’re carrying around.
Needless to say it creates an opportunity to learn quite a bit about what people are really thinking. And a lot of times, that falls squarely into the realm of TMI.
Our kid is 8 now, and recently we left an interaction with one of those people about which she said: Mama, why did that lady tell us her baby’s whole entire life even the private parts? And I had no answer for that.
Because I had to say something, and I’m part of the Preview Channel, here’s what I responded: It’s good to learn that you know your story and your past are private and belong to you, not to anyone who might be curious. That lady hasn’t learned that yet, I guess. How do you think that baby is going to feel when he’s your age?
and we were off into yet another interesting talk about what the kid really thinks…
Ooh, from the little you said in your post, I know who you are talking about. I was standing near Abby and was fortunate enough to receive the same introduction from that lady. She then did a head-count of my 5 kids and then gloated over how she had a few more than me and told me where she got them all from.
Then later, she eyed the puffy bonnet-hat my 5 month old was wearing, and, in a REALLY loud voice in front of a whole bunch of other homeschooling parents, she asked me if we were members of the polygamist-sect in Texas, because, those kids, they wear hats like that. I stared at her in stunned silence (so did those around us), and then, with maniacal laughter, she asked even louder if my husband was a polygamist. It was a fun conversation.
I lurk but never comment (enjoy your blog immensely though!), but wanted to chime in today. Sorry you had such an unpleasant experience with her. I feel so sorry for her kids.
Wait, Sheri, are you *SURE* you’re not from a polygamist sect? Because I think those baby hats are foolproof indicators. Seriously. Maybe you just don’t realize it or something. You should probably ask your husband just to be safe.
(I feel really bad for her kids, too.)
Dawn,
Just thinking over the issues you’ve raised in your blog the last few days. It is amazing how ignorant people are about adoption. I find myself (thanks to you) thinking long and hard about the industry of adoption and being an adoptive parent…particularly now that I’ve hit some of the bumps of teenage behavior with my 14 yr. old. I think the adoption world does a poor job addressing issues from the viewpoint of what adopted children need as they grow and change. I think adoptive parents (me included) underestimate many of the issues that our children must process because of adoption. Thinking about that woman who just ran at the mouth….it was all about her. She wasn’t really thinking about what it would be like to be her child listening in on the conversation. I try to have this viewpoint when I’m discussing adoption with family and friends. I ask, “How would my kid feel hearing this?”
Thanks for being willing to address lots of difficult issues. You keep me growing and thinking.
I met her when she first moved here and have since made sure to always give her wide berth. I have to say in all honesty that I have never understood her family and I never really knew why. There never seems to be any bonding going on. I have not adopted but was always under the impression (correct me if I am wrong) that people adopt children because they really want to be parents, that they really like kids. Not for some sort of statement. Maybe she means well and I am just not getting it but I admit I stay clear so I will probably never get it.
Sheri, I was wondering about that bonnet….
OK, well, I was going to give the woman the benefit of the doubt, but, no longer. (Though the hair straightening - GRRRR - no excuse for that.)
I was going to say that sometimes adoptive parents don’t have other adoptive parents around, and that makes us want to latch on to adoptive parents we actually meet, which includes telling things that might not be wise.
It seems that this woman doesn’t fall into that category.
I will say, however, that I agree that adoption is too expensive. When you have so much money involved, ethics get hazy all around. There aren’t any easy answers. I wasn’t as offended by the “Ohio birthmom and baby drain” article as I imagine some would be. It’s a valid point. The way adoption is, if expectant moms do need assistance, and can’t get it in one state, but can in another, then what’s the right thing to do?
Adoption really doesn’t come with an easy-to-follow map. It’s so incredibly different for everyone.
But, yeah, this woman does sound icky.